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How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

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You're not dead yet. Write up a list of EVERYTHING that you want or wanted to do throughout your lif...

I def have to remember that.

Also the self compassion piece from DDQ. There are so many things I want to do. I feel overwhelmed. And embarrassed about the things I haven't yet done. I know I need to be kinder to myself and not compare. I know I'm only 30 and have an entire life ahead. But i look at some of my peers and just feel... so behind. So behind on things I dont even want lol. But when they ask what have I been up to? You mean finally fighting my way out of trauma that has decimated my entire life. It's an accomplishment to me. I'm more internally organized and stable than ever before and I feel amazing. But to everyone else it feels like I'm saying nothing, not much.Ya know just random jobs here and there, mostly hiding in my room. Nope not married, nope no kids... Ugh :( I'll stop this rant while I'm ahead. Sorry DDQ. I'm just really focused on this today. This morn i felt hopeful about creating a life I want, this afternoon, after trying to take action, i feel completely overwhelmed. Sigh
 
@Beans I am living a life now. Sometimes a bit of intrusive grief, intrusive maladaptive daydreaming pushes through, a bit of shame, a ton of humiliation pushes through, dissociation lingers, or I avoid or depersonalise or derealise pushes through. But with all I have been practicing I can push through all that, be kind to myself and reset myself back to dealing with the present.
 
If I can do it, so can you!
I am doing it @cactus_jack! I really am doing it to such a high level, on and off, now.
You're not dead yet.
Indeed I am not dead!
Write up a list of EVERYTHING that you want or wanted to do throughout your life. EVERYTHING. All of it. Then start working on them.
I am doing this every day. I am working on it every single day, some days more than other days, but I am doing it.

Thanks for your pep talks, and your challenging my distorted cognitions.
 
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I am finding it hard to sit with the shame of not having had a life with a job, career, frie...

I'm reading back through this thread and this post describes how i was a little bit ago. Seeing how much progress you've made with all the work you've done is super inspiring and gives me a bit of a map to base my recovery on. A lot of the things you've been doing I'm doing as well and I can tell they've worked for you so it helps me to push on.
@Beans I am living a life now. Sometimes a bit of intrusive grief, intrus...

Idk if this was specifically an issue for you but does the relating to others and just... i guess enjoying things get better the more present you become. I'm getting there, but feel discouraged when i'm doing things I should do ( should as in good for my recovery, the mindfulness, yoga, just getting out there with dif activities) but have no real satisfaction from them yet. Everything in my life is centered around recovery, not by design but just by virtue of doing anything other than hiding in my room lol I have to use a ton of skills. Sigh I know the being present and stuff will get easier at some point. But i'm hoping to find some joy and fulfillment at some point rather than just doing stuff to become more functional with no real satisfaction coming from it.
 
I so know what you are talking about @Beans. I have gotten to a point just a little bit past that. Still waiting for a lot of stuff to normalise, but I do get some satisfaction from exercise, Mindfulness, social activities, being present, cooking, doing volunteering etc now. I am working up for a job.
 
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Yes I totally feel like this. I also feel a little (jealous or resentful) because women can get away with this but I feel it's harder for men? I am extremely feminine/submissive and this makes it almost impossible for me to deal with the world/work/men/conflict/competition. I am fine and have gotten so much better, but someone is keeping me. I am currently for all intents and purposes, a housewife. I don't understand (me in myself) why you'd want to do anything else if you are like I am and you could stay home. These women around here in these more affluent towns, with whom I'm intimately acquainted having run a service business in the area for 10 years that put me in their houses. Getting the kids off to school and going shopping in their giant SUV's (and flirting with me) wasn't "having a life" as far as most of them were concerned because it was their husbands who were successful, and everything was his (including her). Sitting around their swimming pools in the afternoons drinking wasn't good enough for them. The ones I'm thinking about are all divorced now.

So, although I am much better, I am worse in terms of feeling like myself, which means I'm very submissive and I have a really bad startle reflex and I'm really vulnerable when other people are around so I don't do it (people). I have no more desire to be among others, I don't feel compelled to talk about "who I am, what I've done, what I'm going to do," or any of that stuff. (what do people do really, what do they talk about? They compare.) I don't care anymore if I measure up as far as anyone else is concerned except for my partner. I just want to have enough, I want to be left alone, I want someone to be with me. Right now I have that. Intimacy was all I ever wanted. None of the other stuff ever mattered to me. I was just pretending for all the people who were looking at me. Trying to act the way I thought they wanted me act. It's hard not to fit in. The other main thing people do together is drink and we don't lol.
 
This shame is diminishing as I begin to create a life. I'm beginning to feel like I have things to talk about. Oh and just bc i currently am not participating in an interest doesn't mean I can't talk about it. Hopes and dreams and things I want to try once I lose a little more weight all count. Idk why I felt unless I am in something and competent I didn't have a right to talk about it. Sigh. The scales are falling off my eyes.
 
This was about moving from Stagnation to Generativity. It is a normal part of an adult's developmental development stages.

I know and I realise now that why I am going through with this is a normal part of the developmental phases of being adult. So struggling with this means I have made space to move forward and grow as a person. I didn't get that for the longest time.

As a child, I got stuck in Mistrust, Shame & Doubt, Guilt, Role Confusion, Isolation & some Stagnation. I did do some things that were okay and some good stuff in my life. However I was so completely dissociated, I never had a feeling of being there/here. I missed out on connections with others and community.

So I was split up quite a bit, and I was so absent, dissociated, depersonalised & derealised. That is sad. I had a hard time, but things are different now I am making decisions and showing up for my own life.

I kept getting used and abused, and manipulated, and treated so poorly. I didn't have a sense of being here in this now, or of existing in this time and space. So I had no sense of time, that things would past, I was just totally stuck in reexperiencing the traumas, over and over and over again, and being retraumatised again and again and again. So it was so really tricky to unpack.

I have had to do a wide range of strategies to start getting on top of this for myself. I had to do really small incremental steps, again and again.

I really feel for anyone who struggles with this as it is really tough going. But everyone struggles with their identity and life choices in middle age, so we are not such aliens and weird, we just have extra layers, which can seem overwhelming at times, to work through.

So I am now working on grounding and being in my body, working on my boundaries, having a life, making decisions, working on how to communicate with people.
 
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When I get to actually being able to on ground and be in my body, have some boundaries, live my life, make decisions, and improve my communication with people, well that will be quite the day. When I started off looking at distorted cognitions I thought I will never get anywhere with this, it seemed too complex and so out of my reach, and beyond any space I could every be in and understand, but I kept learning and working on learning because starting is so much better than not starting, and even when it seems impossible, one tiny baby step forward is the way to go. I can now deal with distorted cognitions more and more each day. I have improved immensely in that arena. Sure there is work to be done, and improvements to be made, and fine tuning to engage within, but I am doing it. I have found a new place to live, and I move in today. I would never have thought that would have ever been within my capacity because how strong the helplessness and hopelessness is within me.
 
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