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How To Stop Blaming Myself

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Anna Roberts

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My trauma is bullying-related. I was bullied nearly to the point of suicide for five years. I've been out of the situation for a year now, but I'm still not 'over it' and my doctor and I are still trying to find the right medication for me. I'm very prone to side-effects, and I have treatment-resistant depression, so it's taking a while.

The thing is, I can't stop blaming myself for what happened. While the bullying started in middle school, I'd never really had any friends before that, so I was socially awkward. I didn't know what to say in social situations, and I didn't know how to make friends. I was also far too tall for my age group (though the stress has since stunted my growth and I haven't grown since it started) and very skinny. I was also an atheist in a VERY religious school (though it was a public school), and I'd tell anyone who asked that I didn't believe in God. I was also a lesbian in this very religious environment, and I made the mistake of coming out. I was also a very good student, and made the mistake of 'flaunting' it by getting good grades. I tried not to tell anyone about my grades, but that was kind of hard to do when other students ripped my report cards and test papers out of my hands before I could even look at them myself. I am also extremely weird, or so they said. (And I believe every single thing they said, because it's all true and they were right and I was wrong, obviously, because they knew better.) They also called me crazy well before I had PTSD and called me a freak and a whore and other horrible things.

But, honestly? I might as well have been asking for it. I was too confident, too this, too that, too wrong. It probably doesn't help that all the teachers and staff in my school blamed me for what was happening by saying I was talking about the wrong things, which was why I couldn't make friends, and that I was being too weird, or sitting at the wrong tables (even though we had assigned seating). They even tried to tell me it wasn't happening, and that I was just being a baby about the situation and that everyone was just trying to be nice. I even had one person tell me that someone was just trying to be friendly when he threatened to follow me home, rape me in my sleep, and kill my entire family and my pets.

I'm sorry if I sound incoherent. I'm really upset. It's all my fault that I was bullied. I should have switched schools. I should have been less weird. I should have been friendlier. I should be over my PTSD by now. I should be trying harder to get better, etc, etc.

Someone please help me find a way to stop blaming myself.
 
My trauma is bullying-related. I was bullied nearly to the point of suicide for five years. I've be...
No it is not your fault.
Bullying is a mob mentality. All it takes is one mean person to start it, then others just follow along.
Even with all you stated it did not give the right to bully so,don't excuse their behavior by blaming yourself
 
I was bullied by all the boys in my 6th grade class. They called me ugly, stupid and all sorts of names. Thankfully I had 2 girlfriends who cared for me and loved me and invited me over to their parents' houses and things like that. So at least I don't feel unlovable. Later in life, I was married 23 yrs to a wonderful man, so I am so grateful for him. Life with him was fun. I am a widow now though, so my life is not as nice as it once was.

When we are bullied, it is the bullies that are to blame, bullying is WRONG! It is evil and it is awful. Don't blame yourself, it was not your fault! Also, if our parents did not teach us the things that we needed to be good friends and how to make friends, it is not our fault either! Mine had very few social skills, so of course they didn't teach me! Later on, once they got established in the community, they gave parties and had friends from church. My mother invited folks over from her job too. So one can learn social skills from other too.

One thing you can do when you meet folks is to ask them what they need and want from you. They might say something like to be a good friend, and then you can ask them what constitutes being a good friend.

Throughout my life, I have had various folks who have been friends who belong to my church, or who live in my neighborhood or maybe they took a class that I went to. There are many ways to make friends and many places in which you can make friends. Also, think of what kinds of things you would like in a friend and be that way toward others. Being a good listener is a good thing too. Folks like it when they know you are listening to them. You can ask them interested questions about what they are talking about. This way they know you are listening to them and are interested in the details.
 
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