Anna Roberts
Learning
My trauma is bullying-related. I was bullied nearly to the point of suicide for five years. I've been out of the situation for a year now, but I'm still not 'over it' and my doctor and I are still trying to find the right medication for me. I'm very prone to side-effects, and I have treatment-resistant depression, so it's taking a while.
The thing is, I can't stop blaming myself for what happened. While the bullying started in middle school, I'd never really had any friends before that, so I was socially awkward. I didn't know what to say in social situations, and I didn't know how to make friends. I was also far too tall for my age group (though the stress has since stunted my growth and I haven't grown since it started) and very skinny. I was also an atheist in a VERY religious school (though it was a public school), and I'd tell anyone who asked that I didn't believe in God. I was also a lesbian in this very religious environment, and I made the mistake of coming out. I was also a very good student, and made the mistake of 'flaunting' it by getting good grades. I tried not to tell anyone about my grades, but that was kind of hard to do when other students ripped my report cards and test papers out of my hands before I could even look at them myself. I am also extremely weird, or so they said. (And I believe every single thing they said, because it's all true and they were right and I was wrong, obviously, because they knew better.) They also called me crazy well before I had PTSD and called me a freak and a whore and other horrible things.
But, honestly? I might as well have been asking for it. I was too confident, too this, too that, too wrong. It probably doesn't help that all the teachers and staff in my school blamed me for what was happening by saying I was talking about the wrong things, which was why I couldn't make friends, and that I was being too weird, or sitting at the wrong tables (even though we had assigned seating). They even tried to tell me it wasn't happening, and that I was just being a baby about the situation and that everyone was just trying to be nice. I even had one person tell me that someone was just trying to be friendly when he threatened to follow me home, rape me in my sleep, and kill my entire family and my pets.
I'm sorry if I sound incoherent. I'm really upset. It's all my fault that I was bullied. I should have switched schools. I should have been less weird. I should have been friendlier. I should be over my PTSD by now. I should be trying harder to get better, etc, etc.
Someone please help me find a way to stop blaming myself.
The thing is, I can't stop blaming myself for what happened. While the bullying started in middle school, I'd never really had any friends before that, so I was socially awkward. I didn't know what to say in social situations, and I didn't know how to make friends. I was also far too tall for my age group (though the stress has since stunted my growth and I haven't grown since it started) and very skinny. I was also an atheist in a VERY religious school (though it was a public school), and I'd tell anyone who asked that I didn't believe in God. I was also a lesbian in this very religious environment, and I made the mistake of coming out. I was also a very good student, and made the mistake of 'flaunting' it by getting good grades. I tried not to tell anyone about my grades, but that was kind of hard to do when other students ripped my report cards and test papers out of my hands before I could even look at them myself. I am also extremely weird, or so they said. (And I believe every single thing they said, because it's all true and they were right and I was wrong, obviously, because they knew better.) They also called me crazy well before I had PTSD and called me a freak and a whore and other horrible things.
But, honestly? I might as well have been asking for it. I was too confident, too this, too that, too wrong. It probably doesn't help that all the teachers and staff in my school blamed me for what was happening by saying I was talking about the wrong things, which was why I couldn't make friends, and that I was being too weird, or sitting at the wrong tables (even though we had assigned seating). They even tried to tell me it wasn't happening, and that I was just being a baby about the situation and that everyone was just trying to be nice. I even had one person tell me that someone was just trying to be friendly when he threatened to follow me home, rape me in my sleep, and kill my entire family and my pets.
I'm sorry if I sound incoherent. I'm really upset. It's all my fault that I was bullied. I should have switched schools. I should have been less weird. I should have been friendlier. I should be over my PTSD by now. I should be trying harder to get better, etc, etc.
Someone please help me find a way to stop blaming myself.