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How to tolerate feeling helpless?

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Justmehere

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Something came up today that has me feeling super helpless. My therapist impressed upon me that I am actually helpless in this situation, and that I probably need to sit with that feeling and tolerate it a bit more than I typically do.

I don't do helpless. I just don't. Nope. I am physically repulsed by the feeling itself. I rather eat dog :poop: than feel this helpless... but I also know my therapist is right. There are times where everyone feels and/or is helpless and it's good to be able to tolerate it.

Can anyone relate to struggling with feeling helpless? What helps you to get through it? I'm using a lot of the same stuff that helps me with panic. Seems to be working to get through this.
 
I'm using a lot of the same stuff that helps me with panic. Seems to be working to get through this.

Thank you so much @Justmehere I feel this way too and have been wanting to find some good ways to cope with feeling helpless. Build an immunity to it I suppose would be really helpful. What kind of stuff do you do for the panic situations? Eager to learn more, sorry I am of not use to use to you to help you.:hug:
 
Don't like the word, at all, so I like to avoid it completely.

I am not helpless. Not ever. It's just that my sphere of control changes from one situation to the next. Sometimes I have lots of control over lots of things (truly brilliant), and sometimes the sphere of control shrinks right down so that the only control I have is the way I react to the situation around me. And that's ok, because that's actually the most important thing for me to keep control of.
 
Can anyone relate to struggling with feeling helpless?

(Raises hand)

I'm afraid all I have to offer is this-- my sense of helplessness is somewhat alleviated when I am able to dial in the times and moments when I actually have not been. As is ever the case, I am reminded to take my own advice. I recently had an experience that has amplified this feeling in me to crazy-making proportions *even though* I was an active agent and facilitated a desired outcome.
 
What infuriates me is that when I'm actually helpless? I'm not only fine, but don't feel helpless.

It's the times when I'm not helpless, but am deliberately choosing not to do A-Z that crush me. And, guaranteed, a massive symptom spike that will include all the times where I was actually helpless (like my brain going "See? Is this that? No! ...Move! Move! Move!... Before it becomes that!") aaaaaand all the times when my inaction caused very bad things. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

I very quickly become dysregulated as f*ck. Flashbacks, panic attacks, waves of awfulness, SI... :wtf: It's just really, really awful.

I've come to learn -the hard way- that for myself? Sitting with it is the worst possible thing that I can do.

Instead I need to

- Really clearly define what I'm doing, and why... As well as the consequences of those actions (I include deliberately not doing things as actions)... Why those consequences are acceptable.
- Ideally lay everything out with someone I trust and make sure I don't have a hole in my logic big enough to drive a truck through, or can find a better choice than the one I've made.
- Burn. Off. The. Stress. (Or be prepared to get drop kicked into a depression.)

^^^
Doesn't mean this is the right thing for everyone. Just what I've found I need to do in my own life. Because 99:100 when I feel helpless? I'm not. I "just" am morally opposed to the choice I'm making, at every level. Which needs to get addressed pretty damn quickly. Because I either need to get right with myself, or change my choices around, so I can be.
 
Sometimes, it can be a relief to accept that you aren't actually responsible for EVERYTHING. (Or everyone.)

I hate the feeling too. I was apparently raised to feel it's my job to fix everything for everyone who wanders through my world. It's a huge responsibility. :bag: So, as much as I really WOULD like to be able to fix, literally, everything. Sometimes it's a relief to play around with the idea that some things are not my job. A good friend introduced me to the expression "That would be above my pay grade!" The idea grows on you.

There's a lot of stuff I REALLY wish I could fix. There's some stuff, though, I only think I SHOULD be able to fix. It helps to recognize the difference. :) (a little!)
 
There's a lot of stuff I REALLY wish I could fix. There's some stuff, though, I only think I SHOULD be able to fix. It help

Thanks for this one Scout, it really does help a lot. I felt so helpless today but I am not feeling helpless now. I had to sit with the situation and adapt to it somewhat. I cannot fix what is wrong in another but I can help myself when I am feeling better. I think the emotions get in the way sometimes for me. i really lifed what Friday had to say and found that extremely helpful. There are consequences to feeling stuck at times to watch out for me. Thank you for for this thread, great discussion.
 
What kind of stuff do you do for the panic situations?
I use a lot of DBT style skills like here: Distress Tolerance. Lately, I've been using 4 square breathing a lot. Simple, easy, and can be done anywhere - a neat trick a doc taught me to signal my brain to downgrade out of fight or flight. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, out 4 seconds, repeat 4 times. It helps with my panic, and my general freak out about this whole helpless thing too...
sometimes the sphere of control shrinks right down so that the only control I have is the way I react to the situation around me.
This is my more typical way of handling helpless - I get super focused on reacting well. It can help! But this also sometimes crosses over into self directed perfectionism for me. :eek:
It's the times when I'm not helpless, but am deliberately choosing not to do A-Z that crush me. And, guaranteed, a massive symptom spike that will include all the times where I was actually helpless (like my brain going "See? Is this that? No! ...Move! Move! Move!... Before it becomes that!") aaaaaand all the times when my inaction caused very bad things.
YES. Totally! Actual helplessness, means either actual trauma is happening, and then I'm in total survival mode... or I just really can't do anything anyhow. Choosing to be helpless? It feels like choosing to let death walk in to the room. It feels like choosing to be a victim even when I'm not actually a victim. My brain goes into overdrive. We stirred it up on purpose in therapy today and I actually physically ran out of the room. I think I stunned my therapist and me. I seriously almost quit therapy for 1/2 a second until I pulled out of it. I think I actually really surprised my therapist. It was the right choice to work with it, because I've got to learn to deal with it, and she handled it super well, but my brain just said, "no, nope, not gonna sit here and just be helpless, NO WAY."
I hate the feeling too. I was apparently raised to feel it's my job to fix everything for everyone who wanders through my world. It's a huge responsibility. :bag: So, as much as I really WOULD like to be able to fix, literally, everything. Sometimes it's a relief to play around with the idea that some things are not my job. A good friend introduced me to the expression "That would be above my pay grade!" The idea grows on you.
That's a good way of looking at it. It seems responsible to accept that indeed there are things above my pay grade, outside of my skill set. ;) I am a fixer. I used to be a compulsive fixer, of myself perhaps most of all... ugh. It took some time, but I've learned to let that go in major ways... but it's still so hard.

In this situation, I'm letting go of something that truly isn't mine and is something that can't be fixed... I'm trying to believe I have to accept it. It's becoming one heck of an internal fight, and I can see now why I have been avoiding it for sooooo long.
 
What helps you to get through it?

Talking myself through it.

As in having a plan of action. Stupid plan better than no plan.

It's when I can see all of the ideas I have backfiring, in 50 different ways each, that I'm lost & frozen on spot.
& what helps for *that*, usually just having simple phrased f*cking directives. Go there. Don't stay here. Don't go there. Different place. This shit will wait. This shit first.

None of that applicable? Being somewhere I can throw a fit about helplessness at and be safe enough for another day. Requires myself to not be stupid enough to run off with that tendency the worse my thinking & ability to plan is, the more tempted to /just run/ I am. So sitting on my ass, acknowledging helpless / stuck somewhere at the moment? Has fricking advantages. As in having time on my side, instead of not. Now calm down nuff to think.
 
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