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How Was Your Anniversary?

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Kaii

Confident
The anniversary of the day we found Sarah's body in the woods has just come and gone. I am glad it is over with, I thought I was being sucked back down into the darkness again.

Honestly, as soon as the fall came and the leaves started to change I started getting squirrelly. To hear those leaves crunching under my feet when I walked, to smell the wet, earthy smells. To feel the cold Fall rain on my face, it was enough to send me back to that day over and over again.

I started avoiding and hiding in the house again. I started staying in my room all day, only leaving the house when I had to. I started bringing my dog everywhere with me again. I started having panic attacks when I had to go anywhere alone.

I felt really low and defeated, because I had been doing so well in the weeks leading up to the anniversary.

I visited Sarah's grave. I've been back to the site (as part of my therapy) on three occassions, but I'd never been to visit Sarah's grave. I'd been avoiding it for so long. I really wanted to go but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I even had this flowered grave marker wreath that I'd bought for her and stuffed in the back of my closet, out of sight. Everytime I had to open the closet I KNEW it was in there, even if I couldn't see it. It was a relief to finally go and put it on her grave.

I visited Sarah's family after I visited her grave and I finally met her children. Her beautiful, beautiful babies. God love them, poor little babies with no mother to love them and tuck them in at night. I could just weep at what has been stolen from them :(:cry:

But, it's over now. The day has passed. I spent much of it in bed, reliving that damn day. Then I had a good cry.

And now, it's behind me. The anniversary is over. I feel like that heavy "Anniversary" weight has been lifted. I was dreading it so much because I was making progress in therapy, but I did it! I made it through and it's okay and I'm okay.

I MADE IT!!
 
I started avoiding and hiding in the house again. I started staying in my room all day, only leaving the house when I had to. I started bringing my dog everywhere with me again. I started having panic attacks when I had to go anywhere alone.

Congratulations Kaii, you made it!

I do the same things around the anniversary and when I'm having a trigger, especially taking my dog everywhere I go. And I hide in the house but I don't stay in my room, I just leave all the curtains and blinds closed, so that no one can see in and I can't see out. Makes me feel safe knowing that no one can see in or if there's actually anyone home.
 
I'm glad I'm not the only one, because sometimes I feel like no one in my day to day life understands what I'm going through. Except for my bf, I think he understands because he was there the day we found Sarah.

Now that the anniversary is over with, I just need to get out of this rut I'm in. I need to get my ass out of bed and leave the house. I don't know where my motivation has gone but it's non existent at this point. I shall assemble a search party and send out the hounds! ;)
 
I'm glad you made it through such a very difficult day, and the time around it.

It's hard to have a seasonal association with things. For me it's Spring, and everyone is happy about it except me. It feels like I'm literally surrounded by the feelings relating to what happened.

You've managed to do some really tough things. I'm not surprised your energy's still low. I hope you manage to get your - ahem - behind out of bed, but don't be too hard on yourself. You're bound to be experiencing some emotional fallout.

Take care,

Hashi
 
I have a seasonal anniversary to deal with this time of year too and it is encouraging to know that you managed to get through yours, ......Congratulations!!! :)...........and thank you for sharing!!!!!
 
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