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How/when did you realize that you were avoiding?

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C mom

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First of all, let me say that all of you are so brave. I read these threads and I can't imagine the struggles that each and every one of you is trying to overcome each and every day. That being said, I am wondering... How did you realize that you were avoiding?

I have watched my husband of 14 years turn into a completely detached, unemotional and unrecognizable man in 3 short months. Long story short, he was involved in a tragic boating accident with my dad 4 years ago and my dad did not survive. I love my husband very much and hate that this happened to him. He never sought any kind of treatment and I think that everything has just bubbled over. He has moved out and barely has anything to do with me or our 2 year old son. I'm guessing that over time, I have become the main trigger for him. He says that divorce is the only answer and denies that the accident has anything to do with his apathy toward everything. I'm absolutely at a loss and heartbroken. I have read enough to know that he does not have the capacity to support me or our son right now, and nothing seems to get through to him that his life is falling apart around him. I would do anything for this man, but I don't recognize this person anymore- and neither does anyone else.
 
sadly that is usually how I figure out I've been avoiding. I've hurt someone and they have called me out on it. But when I'm in avoid mode it's really hard to get out of it until it runs its course because I just can't deal with whatever is going on in my head at the time. All I know is I have to escape. It took alot of counseling to figure out that I can't outrun my drama. Plus, in my mind I really am doing the best thing for everyone involved by bailing

Is there any chance he would go to therapy?
 
The first time? Many years later, with a whooooooole lot of distance between myself & my past, and tons of repetition. Oh. I appear to do this thing that people have been accusing me of doing, for ages. Huh. That's strange. Wonder why I do that? ...a few more years later. Oh. That's why. Huh. Makes sense, I guess.

I'm just not that smart, though. A lot of people tend to figure shit out a lot sooner than I do.

After the first time? I either recognize it after the fact, or someone has called me on it. Oh. Shit. This, again.
 
sadly that is usually how I figure out I've been avoiding. I've hurt someone and they have called me ou...
Thank you for all of your responses.

He has started EMDR but has only had one or two sessions of treatment and has stated that it was focused primarily on work-induced stress and anxiety. However, he is currently "taking a break" from therapy. This leaves me wondering what happened in his last session...I could definitely see him thinking that everyone is better off without him, though.

Also, I am wondering what his "rock bottom" will be...
 
His rock bottom may be scary....

But at the same time, if that's what it takes, don't prevent him from hitting rock bottom as this would be enabling type behavior imho. It's sad that some of us need to practically lose it all before seeing the light.
 
I noticed myself avoiding certain things. I had triggers and ups and downs. I went to counseling. Intellectually, I get it-that I need to push myself to go back to work, to exercise, etc. The legal battle wore me down....it went on for 8 yrs total. By the time justice was service, it had consumed me. I became so work down that I avoid everything. I have let my house and my appearance go. I stay in bed 23 hours most days. I don't feel depressed, (but I know I am), Im content, just exhausted mentally and physically and suffer with much pain. So while it came on little by little, it was actually a loved ones passing that put me over the edge...not the actual trauma.
 
Would you say that denial is a part of avoidance? What are your thoughts?
Everyone else can see my husband's behaviors and choices as very distorted, all or nothing, or black and white mentality. He dismisses any other alternative choices that would have a positive outcome. It's like he refuses to hopeful. Through all of this, he denies that this new cold, apathetic, angry version of him has anything to do with the boating accident (the details of which are absolutely horrifying). I know I can't make the diagnosis, but I know what I've seen, and I've watched my loving husband disappear and a stranger emerge. We've always been so close, it's hard to see him dismiss 14 years of marriage as if it meant nothing.
 
I think it's more that avoidance allows the denial. If I avoid the thing that reminds me of the event ...then I can deny the event ever happened. And for me it is hard to be hopeful. The scary monsters that cause ptsd came out of nowhere so you never know when it will happen again. You have to keep your guard up and be ready to run.

I don't know if he is dismissing your years of marriage or if he is backing away because he knows he has already failed to save one person. What happens when he fails to save you? . Living under that kind of guilt is soul crushing
 
Wow. Every time you guys reply, I learn something new. My husband hasn't been able to answer any direct questions about why he feels this way- just that it is the ONLY option. He will speak freely about sports, politics, even the steps he is taking to separate himself from me and move forward with divorce. However, the second anyone asks him about anything deeper (how can you walk away from your son? Are you even aware of how deeply you've hurt your wife? WHY are you even doing this?), he doesn't/can't give an answer...to anyone. In my case, it feels like he gets angry that I'm hurting because I won't just accept that this is how things have to be. It's been so hard begging for answers and getting nothing but anger and resentment in return. I'm so incredibly grateful for your responses. I know they may not be my husband's specific answers, but I feel as though maybe I've been able to get a glimpse inside of his head. This may be as close as I'll ever get to some kind of closure...
 
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