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General Hubby Want's To Isolate, From Everyone, But A Select Few

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amethist

MyPTSD Pro
I was wondering if isolation for all but a select few is common among sufferers. As this has come after a few bad weeks for my husband.

Yesterday my husband had more bad news, and it came while I was out.

His friend who he has know for a very long time has been ill for almost 2 years, with some kind of poisoning, which needs to be drained constantly into a bag from his mid chest area. This had become blocked and the poison was backing up into where it was draining from. He collapsed paramedics where called, luckily they arrived in time as his heart stopped again, but they did manage to bring him back. This has happened before, and he is now in hospital, being cared for and maybe this time they can find out why this is happening.

This coming after hubby found out last week that his dad had prostate cancer, has rocked him again.

So now he has said he does not want to know about anyone at all, apart from my 2 daughter's, their partners, our 2 grandchildren, his community support, me and our cat. He will not now answer the phone, the door or open any post.

He wants out of this life, but not in a suicidal way, just out and away from everything that causes him bad stress. He told me today he cannot cope with any of this right now, and does not want to know about anything bad happening to anyone he knows. He is insistent on this, and I have said I will do what I can for now to keep it that way.

He wants the quite, peaceful idyllic life that just does not exist, though I do understand what he means.

I have suggested he talks to his GP, maybe a complete change of medication or something, but he said no the medication is fine, its the outside world that wants changing.

So how do you keep everything away from them, when you know that the slightest thing could tip them even further next time.

Any ideas would be helpfull.

Amethist.
 
Maybe that's why I want to run. If I don't know anybody around me, I won't have to deal with my reality. Your husband and I sound like we're on the same page. Does that help? No. Is he seeing a therapist? Get him in there. I am trying to face my demons. He has to face his. Don't try to force him back in to the world. Let a therapist do that.

Al
 
Thanks Al.

He has seen a therapist, but this is all new to him. I have suggested he goes back, but for now I am going to let him settle and then suggest it again after his community support comes to see him on Monday.

Back to baby steps for now seems to be the best idea. as well as letting him lead the way to what he wants for a short while.

Amethist
 
Mine all but disowned his family when he first had his breakdown - wouldn't speak to them on the phone, wouldn't go up and didn't want to hear about them either. To this day he continues to keep them at arms length - doesn't ring for months at a time, visits maybe twice a year despite only being 90 minutes away, doesn't want them to visit and rarely answers their text messages. They are quite a "high maintenance" family - but they're great, they really are and it's sad to see him pushing them away. I can count on the fingers of one hand the people that come in to our home regularly - my parents, our two neighbours and erm... perhaps I didn't need an entire hand!

On the other hand (ahem!) I can see entirely where Hubby is coming from. If only... and if I as a carer / supporter feel that way I can only guess that he would feel 10 times more so. In fact I nearly pulled it off a few years ago. There was a house fr sale on the edge of our town, detached in about an acre of land and in the middle of other farm land. We went to see it five times and loved it - although it was teeny tiny. So, we looked in to a mortgage - got one agreed... and then it was as if he forgot the plan and denied all knowledge of ever agreeing to put in an offer. It took a bit of explaining at the estate agents I can tell you. Sorry - I'm rambling!

I presume that is is their way of coping - as the pressure mounts they try to reduce the number of external stressors. I hope you can work through it with him and that his friend is okay x
 
As a sufferer too, I do absolutely understand where he is at, and yet can imagine the conflict and isolation of your position as a result. Somehow, sometimes, everything just gets too hard. Decisions are too hard. Relationships are too hard. Good things are awkward and overwhelming. Bad things are too stressful and distressing. Going places is too hard. Deciding when or if to go places is too hard. Managing the inner world takes absolutely everything I have, and so, as more and more resources have to be poured into managing it, the resources being dedicated to the outside world have to decrease. It's easier to just... not be there, not do that, and not to know.

Like all defence mechanisms, it's designed to be adaptive and self-protecting, and so has important self-preservation value. But as with most defence mechanisms, it outlives its adaptive value quickly. I think you're right ultimately, I think you do need to give him a little time and space and respect his wishes to the extent that you can without completely constricting your own life. When the time is right, gentle encouragement for him to seek therapy again may be really important, which he may perhaps be more amenable to when the recent influx of difficult stressors plateaus out a bit and he's hadsome time to adjust to it.

I'm often secretly relieved for everyone else that I live alone and have no supporter in my life. I read of all of your experiences as supporters and my heart aches with almost grief and guilt at the knowledge that I would ask someone to live through all of that if I had someone. It makes me feel bitterly relieved that I don't... and somehow lonelier all the same. But all that to say that your loyalty and strength of character are humbling and give courage to those of us who wonder what's the point in even bothering with the world sometimes. Thanks for your honesty and goodness, they help to remind me that such things do actually exist in the world.

And sorry for such disjointed off topic ramblings as well.

Maddog
 
Hi Amethist,

I can understand where your husband is coming from. I have done a great deal of isolating myself. Particularly with highly demanding people. I guess the important question to ask your husband is what is his rational for not wanting to interact with certain people. In my case, I made the decision to disown my family and have no contact with my husbands family as it made me worse - feeling unhappy, unsupported, being controlled, being critical of me. So, in this respect it was the right thing for me to close contact with them. I am happier (and healthier) because of it.

My husband does not isolate himself though. He has a life that I accept is his, and he can be in contact and socialize as much as he wants - just not with my family, and I have asked that he does not discuss my condition with anyone (I see this as my business). So, you don't need to isolate yourself, but be aware of the parameters your husband has on talking with people he is close to.

I go through periodic times where I did not want to deal with anything, or anyone. There was simply too much 'noise' in my head, to deal with the outside world's 'noise'. I think this is a normal reaction. I would say to my husband, "tell me the options I have" and I would make a decision as to what I wanted. Or "can you take the lead on this and make a decision, I can't think right now". Or, I would ask for time to deal with it when I was in a better frame of mind. I trust my husband by the way, and it sounds like your husband trusts you to make a decision that is best for both of you. That's a good thing.

As I began dealing better with the 'noise' in my head, I have gradually been introducing people into my life that are not high maintenance. People that don't know about my condition and can serve as a 'positive' detraction for me. It is going well, but I choose who I want to be in contact with, when, for how long and in what form. I think it is important to allow your husband to make these choices, when he is ready. And, that day will come.

Love to you, xxoo
 
Thank you PTSD sufferer, how you described it is how my husband describes it.

He tells me to decide when I ask him a question at times, says he can't think as too much going on in his head.

Toria it is his own family who is isolating from, as they are the ones who insist on telling him about all there and the rest of the worlds problems. He has asked me to find out all that he needs to know about his dad and that is it, no one else.

maddog yes I understand the defense mechanism, a bit like the self preservation mechanism, as this is what my husband calls it.

He is going to talk to his community support on Monday and see his GP to be referred back to his therapist. These are his decisions, as I had said last night it is up to him to ask for the help, as no one can force him to do anything, if he decides he does not want to talk to anyone else just yet.

After 4 years of this and almost 3 knowing it is PTSD, this is the first time he has wanted to isolate like this. Possibly because now his head is clear of some of the medication, and he is now beginning to feel more and more each week.

Amethist
 
Pain avoidance. I'd rather isolate than hurt anymore. Plus I got taught to fear change. I never learned to grieve or express empathy properly... it is in the most awkward of social situations and personal relations... I am so keenly aware of where I am still broken. I feel at times when friends suffer... mechanical or completely inadequate... even unable to express empathy no matter how much I want to.

Great topic Amethist, and I hope your Mister is gonna be able to work though this with support. I just had a friends husband diagnosed with kidney cancer, and other than one email, I've been silent, and remote. I need to step up... but no matter how I want to empathize, I'm deeply affected by the kidney cancer diagnosis... it rockets me right back to a big source of pain. I tend to limit my interactions with others... still more than I would like to. I just know how fragile I am. When I broaden my relationships... the risk for hurt and pain grow exponentially.
 
Rife with misspellings... it's just been that kind of day. Glad you overlooked them and saw the content and what I was trying to say.
 
Yesterday evening hubby explained in the best way he could, how his brain feels when someone, like his mother overloads him with information. Plus how it felt when he heard his friend was back in hospital again.

He said it was like an electric shock shooting through and around his brain, like one of those Plasma bulbs. this then leads to a headache and flight mode, and this is why he then wants a drink, to calm the storm that he feels raging in his brain. Not a storm of anger, but a storm electricity.

Now he says the storm is calm, like it has been unplugged for now.
 
I'm always isolating from all but a few. It's just that some I always can handle to be around others I have to be in a special mood to feel good to be with. And if that is impossible I get really moody and exhausted for days. I like those people..just that something is nagging me...just don't know what.
 
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