Hello, My name is Tammy, I'm new here, I think I could fit several groups here but I'll focus on most recent PTSD, it started a year ago this month on the 10th to be exact. My husband of 25 yrs shot himself in front of me and our son who was 19 at the time.
Nights I can't sleep, day time I don't want to get up. My husband still lives, the 45 he put in his head didn't kill him, but left him really messed up. My days start out holding his pee jug, then crushing his meds and giving them in yogurt, dressing him and putting him into all of his braces to keep his limbs from dislocating from their joints, and then putting him into a wheelchair, combing his hair and brushing his teeth, and fixing him breakfast, his right arm works well so i cut up his food then he feeds himself "Now" at first this wasn't possible.
The horror of that moment in time will haunt me till the day I die, it's there just below the surface every time it's quite, at night when I should be sleeping. I have days when I hate him. I have days when I want to run away. I have days I could just lie down and cry like a baby. I feel like I'm drowning.
I knew my husband had ptsd, anxiety and depression, sleep disorder but he wouldn't take treatment refused his meds, but never ever said anything about suicide.
He was on the internet talking with friends laughing and enjoying himself then he just picked up that gun and cocked it put it to his head and pulled the trigger, I remember so clearly almost like slow motion, holding him together and see this piece of brain matter on the wall and thinking " Lord, maybe that was the part of him we wanted to change".
How can I move forward when I'm stuck in the moment.
He never talks, just keeps his head covered always says he's cold, does he want to get better? I don't really know, he's starting to get some movement on that left side, it's time for him relearn to live, I can't move forward until he moves too.
God has gotten me so far, each and every obstruction he has removed, he has put people in my path that gave me someone to turn too when i've needed comfort.
Our days in the hospital were the worst I felt judged like people thought it was my fault, I had no one to lean on, no shoulders to cry on. My inlaws acted like and told the nurses it was mine or my sons doing, she didn't think her son would do such a thing. We spent 3 months there, never leaving him for more than a day here or there to check on my son. Our son was in collage but he failed his finials they were happening at this time, now he hasn't gone back, hasn't found a job, hes lost too and drifting in this swirling mess my husband has created.
I'm sorry this is so long but sometimes I just need to let it out, at night when I have no one is when I'm most vulnerable to the memories. Thanks
Nights I can't sleep, day time I don't want to get up. My husband still lives, the 45 he put in his head didn't kill him, but left him really messed up. My days start out holding his pee jug, then crushing his meds and giving them in yogurt, dressing him and putting him into all of his braces to keep his limbs from dislocating from their joints, and then putting him into a wheelchair, combing his hair and brushing his teeth, and fixing him breakfast, his right arm works well so i cut up his food then he feeds himself "Now" at first this wasn't possible.
The horror of that moment in time will haunt me till the day I die, it's there just below the surface every time it's quite, at night when I should be sleeping. I have days when I hate him. I have days when I want to run away. I have days I could just lie down and cry like a baby. I feel like I'm drowning.
I knew my husband had ptsd, anxiety and depression, sleep disorder but he wouldn't take treatment refused his meds, but never ever said anything about suicide.
He was on the internet talking with friends laughing and enjoying himself then he just picked up that gun and cocked it put it to his head and pulled the trigger, I remember so clearly almost like slow motion, holding him together and see this piece of brain matter on the wall and thinking " Lord, maybe that was the part of him we wanted to change".
How can I move forward when I'm stuck in the moment.
He never talks, just keeps his head covered always says he's cold, does he want to get better? I don't really know, he's starting to get some movement on that left side, it's time for him relearn to live, I can't move forward until he moves too.
God has gotten me so far, each and every obstruction he has removed, he has put people in my path that gave me someone to turn too when i've needed comfort.
Our days in the hospital were the worst I felt judged like people thought it was my fault, I had no one to lean on, no shoulders to cry on. My inlaws acted like and told the nurses it was mine or my sons doing, she didn't think her son would do such a thing. We spent 3 months there, never leaving him for more than a day here or there to check on my son. Our son was in collage but he failed his finials they were happening at this time, now he hasn't gone back, hasn't found a job, hes lost too and drifting in this swirling mess my husband has created.
I'm sorry this is so long but sometimes I just need to let it out, at night when I have no one is when I'm most vulnerable to the memories. Thanks
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