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Husband Has Not Been There For Me

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tiredmomma

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Hello all,

First of all I want to say that I would not be able to post this if I had not already experienced a wash of love and support from the people of this forum. I have yet to read an unkind, inconsiderate word. Thanks to all who make this such a wonderful place.

I need to know how you feel about the behaviour my husband exhibits. Is it normal because I push him into it? Is it my fault, should I absorb some of the blame for his cruelty?

First of all, our relationship is such that if I do not say anything (bad) or complain, he will be silent. If I do complain - he lets loose a litany of angry, extremely hurtful things - such as, bad mother, lazy, incapable of working, this is his house, he pays for everything, so he’s going to take it away, etc. Over the years, I have complained less and less - it’s too costly to me. His parents say to just disregard his statements. I have learned to seek their advice less and less as well.

I can’t even mention wanting to talk about things anymore, he blows up. His parents think he's depressed - they expect me to try and help him - give him omega three everyday, like a child...they even mentioned jokingly slipping anti-depressants in his food.

2 years ago I was suicidal. He told me he did not care if I went through with it, and after refusing to talk to me for a day, my friend called and I guess my husband told him exactly how he felt, because my friend told me I had to get out of the house and away from him. So I ended up locked out of the house for a couple days, until he had to go back to work and needed childcare... We never resolved this, and I'm certain he would react the same if it happened again.

I'm certain he (unintentionally or not) sabotages my healing - like interrupting my sleep hygiene, I feel he is such a barrier to my healing! And it's not as if I haven't talked to him, had conversations with him about the importance of my healing behaviours to him where he has listened and acknowledged what I'm saying. At first (about a year ago) I asked him for help, but then I just started asking him not to interfere - but he continues to do so, and now I’ve just started to live around him.

I just don't feel any emotional connection to him anymore. I'm frustrated I've done so much to change and better myself, he has no interest in developing emotionally, I'm certain he wants a Stepford Wife, as long as I behave as such, he seems content.

Erin
 
You've two major issues as I see it, with an ending of your choice. You admit to pushing at him, and state "Is it normal because I push him into it." Sorry, but that is your fault. Secondly, it sounds as though you are honestly as bad as one another in regards to how you treat each other. This is called enabling behaviour. Hatred against hatred, equals enabling behaviour.

Result = Either you are both in love, maybe fell out of love, though want to fall back into love OR either one of you, both of you, don't feel the first is applicable and need to be honest with yourselves, which isn't a one sided argument, it is a discussion between you both as adults and without crappy behaviour from either.

The result is not for any other person to tell you or advise you on, this is your decision.
 
I said "Is it normal because I push him into it?" as in could I be warranting this kind of treatment... not as in I am certain I am pushing him into it. If I knew that I would work towards stopping the behaviour that is pushing him.

Wow, I am just blown away right now. This really strikes me as a harsh response, considering my post's preamble... I mean, I'm feeling a wee bit judged... seriously?
 
He's being abusive to you. I don't mean to be blunt, but he is. I recognize that behavior all to well. There is no reason for one human being to treat another that way. Even if you did something to cause him to act that way towards you; he should be adult enough to resolve the problems or walk away. If you do a google search on emotional abuse, you might see it for what it is. It's never normal to treat someone you love badly. There honestly is no real excuse. Please take care of yourself. It's really not a healthy situation to be in. When I was in a similar (from what you described) "relationship" it was slowly draining my life away.

Tiger
 
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