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Husband has PTSD

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by msktaylor0207, Jun 22, 2006.

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  1. msktaylor0207

    msktaylor0207 New Member

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    accidently posted this in another thread.. OOPS

    I knew within a few weeks after my husband came home from doing a year tour in iraq that he had PTSD... i suffer from it from a car accident, so i know a little of the signs. but it scared me BAD. here we are a little after 2 years since he got home, hes leaving again and im terrifed! his anger fits have only gotten worse, weve fought, and its even gotten physical. he was arrested a few weeks ago for attempting to kill our family dog because he lost control. he cant sleep, and when he does he has nightmares. i often am woken up by him sobbin on my shoulder. we left 11 days before our first child was born and came back when she was a year old. so as if being deployed wasnt hard enough he had that on his mind the whole time. we now have our 2nd child and even though he was here, he feels extreme guilt because he wasnt there for our daughter. so hes separated himself from our son. it kills me inside to see him like this and i know any other women would have left him a long time ago. but all this started to happen after he got home. a few months ago after he tore our house apart out of anger, he went and got help. he saw a pschyc who diagnosed him with PTSD and depression and gave him pills which didnt last long. i left the house for 15 mins and i come home to both my 3 yr old and at that time 2 month told screaming bloody murder, my daughter at the door of the bedroom, my dog pooped in her room, and my husband passed out from the meds. so now his unit has orders to deploy. i finally wrote my congressman/women about this situation and how i dont feel its safe for himself or even anyone if he deploys. and i keep thinking people arent going to take it seriously and think "oh, well this lady just wants to keep her husband home"... well you know what yes sure i do ,but if they lived with what i live with and see everyday they would see my husband needs help FAST! im affraid if he deploys, hell lose it and kill someone over there, whether its hodgie or another soldier. i feel hes fully capable of it, because myself and others have seen first hand what he does when hes mad. and it doent take a lot to get him to snap either. its such a scary situation.

    sorry i wrote a novel, but i just need some advice on what to do, how can i be a support system for him? im going to be there for him 100% through it all, but im at a loss for what i can do other then "just be there". i keep trying to get him to go back to his Dr who is a vietnam vet, and just try to get him to go vent and let it out to someone who can relate. but hes always training and right now hes on the other side of the country at school. so hes never able to go to his apts.

    when he gets back from school, hes going to get evaluated AGAIN, i guess to determine his deployability? the congresswomen is what started that, but what happens to people with this kind of PTSD? would they put him out? would they give him another MOS for a desk job or something? im so nervous about whats going to be going on. and most of all im nervous they arent going to take this seriously. theyre more worried about having boots on the ground then they are about their soldiers health. i can almost guarantee if he doesnt snap over there, hes going to come home and kill someone, whether its himself, my family or just someone. when it all could have been prevented.

    hes always talking about going on rampages and killing everyone over there. and a lot of times he says its because they kept him from his family. hes got so much hatred, and takes it out on people he cares about. just could really use some advice!

    thanks!
    ~shary
    once again im sorry its so long!
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Welcome to the forum Shary.

    Wow... you have PTSD, and now your husband! Interesting combination...

    Honestly, there is not that much you can do for him directly, though there is a lot you can indirectly, and that is too look after yourself and your children first, then be concerned about his welfare, otherwise, he will drag you and your children down to where you don't want to be. Tough call, but its a decision that you need to take seriously, because you stated all the obvious traits above, ie. you come home to an emotional nightmare, him passed out, children in tears, etc etc... it is already beginning, so be careful and take care of you and the kids first.

    I know exactly what your husband is going through, what he is feeling, the lot. I am a young veteran from the Australian Army, which constant operations caused my PTSD. He should actually be quite fine whilst on operations, because it basically becomes our home, our safety net, and where we are allowed to vent our anger in the most appropriate manners that the military encourage. We want to be home, but that causes us so much pain, but in actual fact, being deployed at this stage is not a bad idea for his sanity... though that could also backfire if he is heavily depressed already.

    Shary, does he acknowledge that he has PTSD? I say that, because being diagnosed and actually acknowledging the issue is two very different things. Does he really know what PTSD is, and how it affects him mentally and physically? Does he know it has no cure? Does he realise that PTSD could kill him if left untreated?

    What I do recommend, is that your husband gets medicated ASAP with the correct drugs to treat his primary symptoms. It will generally take a month or two for the drugs to take full affect, but atleast that will take some of the hurt away from him. What he needs to do, is begin educating himself on PTSD, and that he knows he is not alone. Many of us have it, many of us have been through the worst off it, and many of us have come out the other side to live some sort of normal life once again, though definately with modifications to appease our PTSD. It is not curable Shary, and that must always remain firmly planted within a sufferers brain to help prevent relapse. It takes years to educate and learn techniques that work for each individual, and how to cope with their PTSD symptoms, as each person is unique as such, and what works for one, definately may not work for another. It is very much an effort of trial and error, pretty much the same as doctors do with prescribing drugs to treat it, trial and error. Some drugs may cause one person to have severe side effects, whilst not affect another, so it is constant trial and error with all facets of PTSD.

    The military does not really support people with PTSD, because its not within their scope to achieve the mission, nor ethos of the military itself. Military organizations run on discipline, and lets be honest, discipline often goes out the window with a person suffering PTSD in full flight. They will end up on the wrong end of discipline each and every time, which just drives home the possibility that your husband will either need to leave the military, or will be medically discharged because of his PTSD.

    I would say, that your husband needs to get on here and chat with a few off us who have walked the path he is walking now. Denial is the largest forefront of PTSD, and a sufferer needs to get past it quickly so they can get on with learning what is happening to their body and mind, why they do certain things, what triggers their symptoms and how to avoid certain aspects that trigger symptoms. Avoidance of PTSD cannot be maintained, but sometimes avoidance of particular instances that trigger a persons symtpoms is essential in their treatment. Military environments by themselves are generally a trigger to those who got PTSD from operational environments.

    What you may want to do though initially, is chat with your husband about a few known facts to help his immediate anger issues, and that is firstly, anger is not an emotion, it is an action of underpinning emotions. The [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread12.html"]iceberg of emotions[/DLMURL] depicts exactly the cause of anger, and how a person must find the emotions underpinning their immediate anger to successfully get past the extreme anger concerns. As you are working out, the anger is the brutal part, I went through it, and with pure luck my wife is still with me today, though I no longer suffer it to those extreme levels by learning these exact concepts of underpinning emotions that cause anger. He needs to understand why he is getting angry, and that it isn't acceptable to unleash it upon you or your children.

    The [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread63.html"]PTSD cup[/DLMURL] explains why he gets angry at the drop of a hat, and paints a graphical picture off what is going on mentally to cause sudden anger outbursts. Use it, show him, make him understand. Then, have a look at [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread157.html"]how to manage anger better[/DLMURL], print it out if need be, and go through it with him over and over, until he can learn to get some off this anger under control.

    Don't fall into false pretences here either, that these are going to cure him of his anger issues, because these are just known factors associated to educating him to get some of his anger under control, but has years of work ahead of him to learn how to control each and every symptom, recognise their presence as they arise, and how to control symptoms, and his life in general, so that he can be the father he wants to be, the husband he wants to be, and the person he wants to be again. Its tough to admit, but once done, things begin getting easier. Years of hard work, but well worth it at the end... and I am walking proof that all this works, as are others here who are now on the other side of PTSD, let alone others here who are currently working through their issues to resolve their lives and get to the other side of this nasty illness.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
  4. msktaylor0207

    msktaylor0207 New Member

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    i think it was hard for my husband to understand what PTSD is. even thru dealing with me and my PTSD he would always say he didnt beleive in it. he didnt understand exactly what happends to someone with PTSD. his Dr told him that he had a pretty bad case of PTSD and my husband i dont think buys it. but hes starting to understand it a little bit. its just taking time. my issue came from a near fatal car accident back in 1999. my twin sister and i were passengers in a car going 110 mph and we crashed. i still to this day have nightmares of seeing my twin dead (shes alive though, but was pronounced dead twice and has extensive injuries that she is still dealing with, 6 broken bones in her neck, no kidney, no spleen, and other less major injuries) but its very hard for me to drive in a car unless i am driving. i was denied 4 times from joining the army because of it. i went thru intensive counseling sessions which they just wanted to medicate and i just wanted everything to go away. do this day i will have flash backs while my husband is driving and i start screaming and in my head i feel like we are crashing, when in reality were on a flat normal road. its been almost 7 years and im slowly finding control over my reactions, but the nightmares are still there. im trying to get my husband to understand it doesnt mean your weak, it doesnt mean theres anything WRONG with him, it has to do with a traumatic experience whether he thought it was traumatic at the time, its showing that it was

    hell tell a few people here and there that he has PTSD, but i think people will look down upon him, when i think if they know, they can understand more of where hes coming from. and that hes not an angry person just because. hes dealing with some things inside that he wont tell me about. and its probly a lot my fault, because when he came home i asked him not to talk about iraq when im around. for a few reasons, 1 being i get extremely upset thinking about that year while he was gone. and 2 i dont want to know what he did over there for fear of looking at him differently.

    i think day by day he can see a little of how the PTSD is affecting him and what reactions can be linked to the disorder. he doesnt want to get medicated because of how it makes him feel. he got very suicidal when he was on the last meds. and it scared the crap out of both of us. i found him a couple of times with telephone wires in his hand. i walked to the basement and i could tell he had been trying something down there. all i saw was a rope tied around a pole and the punching bag looked like maybe he was going to stand on it and roll it out from under his feet. the more i think of the things hes done the more i get scared if he deploys what is going to happen to him.

    as for his anger, he tells me that his workplace is what gets him so fired up, and then if something even so small at home doesnt go the way he wants it to he explodes and theres no stopping him. and when things cool down and i ask him whats going on, he just says its work. and he hates where he works, what he does, who he works with... which in my opinion hes working with the stupidest people in the world! who i dont trust to hold my pen! let alone trust them with my husbands life in war. so i think it scares him that hes going to have to go with these guys. its almost a guarantee that not all of his unit will be returning home. they are so unprepared its killing him. hes one of the only few that have actually been to iraq, the rest havent deployed or went to afgahnistan. my husband is VERY good at what he does and is one of the most knowledgable between all ranks, and hes an E-5. he trains and teaches e-1 to officers. so i feel like his unit could care less about him mental state. they want to take him because hes good and with him they have a better chance of living.

    i am constantly talking to him trying to feel my way around what his moods are at different times. i feel like im constantly on egg shells around him. and when we argue or fight i dont know how many times ive said its unexceptable for him to take it out on me or the kids. when he has bad days hes always yelling and then it puts the rest of us in moods that doesnt help anyone. weve sat and talked about what to do when the other is mad. which is dont instigate, dont push it, just let it be. take some time for space until things have cooled down and then talk it through.

    if they put him out of the army, im scared of what will happen from there. all he knows is the military. what kind of job will accept someone with PTSD like this? and now because of his actions stemming from this, hes got this arrest in his records. that cant be good. hes constantly theatening people which im sure someday will cause trouble for him and in turn for the whole family. when he suffers, we all suffer so to speak. indirectly or directly. i cant wait for him to get back from this school so we can try to work things out and help eachother.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Shary,

    What you need to be cognisant off, is that you and the kids are first priority. Sorry that sounds brutal, but facts are facts. PTSD is full flight is dangerous, I won't beat around the bush with you. Chances are its all hogwash to him, believes little in it, and most likely thinks he can continue in the military with it. Rude shock coming, and its all bad news. He will not be able to continually cope with military stress if PTSD is at work. Seen it so many times, never once has it succeeded. It used too, because it was acceptable to just go punch it out, and so forth, but all militaries are changing, where violence is acceptable to a point, or if it gets out of hand, or gets made public, heads roll. I doubt very much he will last in the military much longer. The fact is, you need to be looking at how and if he is eligible for compensation or welfare because he got PTSD from active service.

    This is not a permanent thing, but will most likely be needed for a couple of years to allow him to sort himself out, before getting into civilian work, with much less stress around him... or more PTSD friendly work environment for a better term.
     
  6. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Shary,

    I agree with Anthony, brutal as it is, you have to look after you and the children first. Please start to educate yourself on the effects of this illness on children. Statistics here in Australia show that children of Vietnam Vets have higher rates of depression and everything that goes along with that. Their mental health and the physical safety of all of you HAS to be a priority. I know where you are at, only I didn't have children while Anthony was going through the worst of it but it was still horrible. He used to use alcohol to fuel his denial and anger was just another part of that. Believe me, my husband with a belly full of rum and anger in full flight is one scary man. He has a big booming voice at the best of times and the size to back it up........very scary. We do however have children now.......his son and ours, with one on the way. Sometimes I still have to remind him about anger, big scary voices and dealing with me and the children. He just doesn't understand that sometimes, that big scary voice is just too much in great volume for wife and children. Even with the oldest, who is a big, loud and at times obnoxious teenager, I sometimes have to remind Anthony about anger. If he is pi$$ed off at the teenager, I usually remove myself and the little one from the environment.

    I can't vouch for your military but if they are anything like ours, your husband will not get looked after and they will continue to deploy him while he remains in the service. His mental health will not be their priority, no matter what they tell you or your husband. You need to consider that the military focus is their priority, they need to put 'bums on seats' and the better skilled they are, the better it is for the military. Harsh but those are the facts, military objectives first, welfare of personnel second. Anthony was the same, good at his job, able to switch off emotionally (not the same person that I knew at all), highly regarded. His last deployment he didn't want to go, they wanted him to, he went. Four months after he returned he had a serious motorbike accident. Add the PTSD symptoms and he really didn't return to work at all from that point on. I will say, like you have experienced, that he was more angry for the small time that he was working. Like your husband, work stuff would bother him and he would come home already angry, start drinking (if he hadn't been to the mess on the way home) and so it would start. Eggshells were just part of my daily existence.

    As Anthony has mentioned, PTSD is not curable and you will have a better understanding of that than I do. I do not have PTSD but I live with it every day and have done for 5 years now. Shary, your husband needs help but he will only seek that help if he acknowledges that he has a problem. From what I have seen with PTSD, it is unlikely that he will be able to remain in the military and although that seems a scary prospect, in the long term it will probably be better for all of you. Try not to beat yourself up about what support you can and can't provide. There is a lot that you can't do for him, that he will have to do for himself. As for talking about Iraq, I would be surprised if he would talk to you about his experiences in any great detail anyway. If he feels like talking then only his mates (who he went overseas with) or a professional with an understanding of military onset PTSD will be able to help him with that. You probably don't need to burden yourself or your family unit with two of you carrying the same stuff anyway.

    Sorry this has been so long winded, you struck a chord with me on so many levels. It is hard being in a relationship with children at the best of times. Trying to manage a partner with PTSD in full flight would be almost impossible under those circumstances. Medication will help, individual counselling for you and him (you need support too!!!) and PTSD education will improve your situation. There is a lot of hard work ahead of you but then you don't sound like you're afraid of a little hard work. Please keep posting, take care of you and those little ones,
     
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