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Relationship Husband Of Ptsd Wife Needs Guidance

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Kriamjolee

Learning
My wife and I are at one of our lowest points. We've been married for 11 years, together for 16. She was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by her father throughout her childhood. He was more physically aggressive with her mother than with the kids, and she always protected her mother from him. Taking weapons, hiding her Mom in her bedroom. It was ugly to say the least.

Her major point of trauma was the horrible December in 2000 when he shot her mother and them himself. We were living together at the time, and her brother called us in a panic hoping she would be able to stop the fight they were having. We got there too late. We missed the event by seconds and, unfortunately, saw the horrible aftermath.

I've been with her since. Things were a blur for a couple of years. But, she is such an incredibly strong woman. She really seemed to cope well until she had a break down about 3 years ago.

Since, she's been retraumatized more than once after witnessing a random shooting and separately a stabbing. The childhood abuse, the death of her parents and everything else has culminated in severe depression and complex / chronic PTSD.

We got her to see a psychologist after the break down and she has been put on a regiment of meds. Though they seem to do little to stabilize her mood, stave off the depression, or lessen her anxiety anymore. She stopped seeing her doc for a bit because it got too hard for her, but is now back with him. He did a great job ripping away the hard exterior she's built up throughout
her life, but holy hell... What a volatile situation this rebuilding process is.

Unfortunately, I have reach my own breaking point. Everything I've been attempting to do to help alleviate her pain and sadness just seems to blow up in my face. She accuses me of manipulating her for my benefit. She recently told me she is repulsed to even look at me because I've hurt her so much. I, honestly, have been questioning my own sanity. Her perception of the recent past is so far off from mine. I don't know who's right anymore.

I recently started talking to a therapist, too. I feel like I'm losing myself, let alone my marriage.

She's now moved to our basement. We've been avoiding each other as much as possible. She said that we're toxic.

Wow. I'm rambling on and on, and yet, I have barely scratched the surface.

I've been lurking on these forums for a few days and was relieved to read that I'm not the only one that struggles to be a supporter. It's been eye-opening, especially seeing how little self-care I've been allowing myself. I guess I feel selfish, or like my problems just aren't worthy of our time while she is struggling.
...
I'm going to just cut myself off, or this could go on forever.

Thank you for reading. Any questions, insight, guidance or criticism is welcome and greatly appreciated.

Peace,
--Kris
 
I am a sufferer, so I'm not sure if how much I can do for supporters, but you mad it quite far, thats a lot of success you had till now. I don't know much about isolation stuff, because I'm not that type, when anxiety bumps up, I cling even harder to HER and search some relief in knowing that she exists, that we survived so long, and that we can survive more, thus I don't know much about isolation in such a way. Though my natural state is isolated from world, minimal social interactions with people and so on.

You aren't crazy, thats for sure, a crazy person wouldn't be able to achieve all that good so graciously.

Well, advice I hardly have any, and at this time all I can offer are virtual hugs, but at least take those, and know someone out there cares!

:hug:s fom otaku.
 
Thank you otaku. I appreciate your insight.

I bawled tonight after going downstairs to see how she's been doing and found our wedding picture face down.

I need hugs so badly. Thanks for those.
 
I don't have any advice for you, but I think its good that you've joined the forum. There are a lot of supporters here who have been through similar situations and can help guide you through it all. It is quite difficult to be a supporter....I'm a survivor myself, and it amazes me sometimes that there are such kind and understanding people out there who are willing to support us. Kudos to you.
 
Thank you Solara. Though I don't feel kind and I certainly don't feel like I understand a damn thing. I feel weak, exhausted, and petrified. But it's fantastic to hear, nonetheless. I appreciate your time and input.
 
Have you read the PTSD relationship book? I know that it is highly recommended here on the forum.
 
My youngest just came in and gave me "big monkey hugs" before she went to bed. It's amazing how much a hug helps.

@otakujome
Your message brought tears to my eyes, though. I have felt so rejected recently. Having someone, anyone, ask how I'm doing is an emotional shocker. I don't know how to respond...

I'm okay? I mean, I'm lost right now. I feel like I'm... morally ... philosophically... spiritually torn. But, I'm okay. I know that these situations will only make me stronger in the long run. I just need to remain rational.

... I guess.
 
Yes, hugs are great, knowing someone cares about you.

I used to have the same problem with "How are you" questions, I still do for the most part...

What I can suggest is positive thinking, hopefully it help someone.

You seem like a great parent :hug: I don't remember hugs from parents... you seem like a great person to call "daddy"... I'm in a mix of emotions
 
@Solara
Is it this one?
41x4qmFijhL._SY400_.jpg
I sure hope so. I just ordered it.
 
I hope I'm being a good Dad. I've really tried to be very honest with my girls, but at the same time, tried to keep them from a lot of the drama recently. They're such wonderful,smart girls. They know something is up, but have just been so sweet about it. There have been a lot of times (prior to our... separation, if that's what this is) that my wife and I would be "talking things out" in our bedroom and have shooed the kids away to give us time to talk. I don't want them to feel like we don't want them around. I just played balloon tag the other night (I love that we can have so much fun with completely made up games). We've been playing a card game, Dixit (highly recommended family game for all ages) a lot recently. But, I still feel bad pushing them away when I need grownup time.
 
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