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Husband's Playing Mind Games... I Think

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Notrueself

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Last night my husband said he would bbq, but when it came time he told me to do it. So I did. When it was ready, I dished up our son's plate and our son went out to eat right in front of my husband. I was fixing my plate thinking my husband would see our son's and come in. I came out with my plate and my husband asked me if it was ready. I said yes and pointed to son's plate. He said you never told me. I said I was sorry but I figured once you saw son's dinner you'd know. He gave me a very sarcastic thanks and went to get his dinner.

Here's the thing. The way this played out is the kind of stuff I had to deal with daily in my first marriage. And it always happens in front of the child and I never feel like I can defend myself beyond what I said. And it always catches me off guard and I get maxed out trigger wise. I feel triggered from the past and the present so it's hard to ground.

I don't know if I'm over reacting. Maybe I should have told him it was ready. It seemed like a no brainer. This just felt so manipulative, like I was being set up for a fall. Could this be my past coming back to haunt me? I feel like people won't believe me (my T, especially) because it feels like I'm overreacting. But these "little" things feel so familiar... and I don't know what to do, or where to turn. Sorry for the long post, just kinda needed to vent...
 
My mom's like that... Unless she receives a gold engraved invitation? "How was she supposed to know???"

She's not abusive, it's just a very different mindset.

- I think... Other people are coming out with food, clearly, food's done. ((And if not? I'll find that out when I go in, or if I don't know? I'll ask. No worries.))

- She thinks... Other people are coming out with food, when will I be called for my turn? // If I'm not called, then maybe it's just the kids food that's ready. Or maybe I'd be in the way. Or, or, or, or. I had better wait here until I'm called.

So it's her trying to be "nice", not to be assuming, but to wait to be asked... And then if she isn't asked? Then her feelings get hurt. ((Here I was trying to be nice to you, and you couldn't even BOTHER to show me the same courtesy??? How hard is it to tell me the food is done?.... Aaaaaaaargh. ))

While it drives her insane to be "left out"... It drives me bonkers from the other side, as well, as she's constantly stating the obvious / it's her trying to include people in the same way she wants to be included / but it comes off as treating everyone else as incompetent. Yes. Mom. I know. Really. Yes. Mom. I know. Mom. Mom. Mom! Just. Stop. I can tell what time it is!!! I know I'm running late, that's why I'm rushing around! FFS I'm not a complete moron, here :banghead: I can use my eyes! ((Well I was JUST asking if there was anything I could do to help! // No. You weren't. You were telling me I was late. // Well how hard is it to ask me.... Aaaaaargh. >.<))

My sister is the same way as my mom, my brother and I are the same as my dad. Just 2 different communication preferences; passive aggressive v direct // waiting for someone else to ask-invite you, versus asking-finding out for yourself.

***

So could your husband be setting you up for failure? Maybe. Or he could be like my mom, and it's just different communication styles / different versions of what "polite" looks like.
 
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Yes. Mom. I know. Really. Yes. Mom. I know. Mom. Mom. Mom! Just. Stop. I can tell what time it is!!! I know I'm running late, that's why I'm rushing around! FFS I'm not a complete moron, here :banghead:

OMG, if you put "dad" in the place of "mom" then you have my daily life (you know, since the annoying man lives with me)! I swear he still thinks Im 12 and treats me as such. I have to constantly tell him "dad, Im 35...an adult..." and then he gets all upset, stomps out of the room like a child and slams his bedroom door. I guess its mean but ive gotten to the point where I say "there he goes, stomping and out the room like a child" but come on, its over the smallest freaking shit!

@Notrueself I dont think you're overreacting per say, because little stuff adds up to big stuff in my opinion. So a little slide comment, if it happened once, no big deal (or something I can let go of) but if it happens every day or things like it every day, now its a big deal.

Ive gotten to this point with my dad, whom loves to do what you described, all day long, I do not put up with it; he gets mad and stomps out of the room but im setting boundries (or learning how) and one of them is you talk to me with respect and you get it back, but respect is earned therefore you treat me with disrespect, well its not tolerated (all situations handled differently) but point being, I dont tolerate it and I certianly wouldnt tolerate it in front of my child.

I would have said something of the effect of "well, Im sorry you didnt notice we had dished out the food", placed back on him as he is a grown adult and it is not your responsiblity to tell him when anything is ready. He is responsible to go see as any other grown adult would.

That my opinion anyway. And no sorries needed, you are allowed to vent and its healthy to do so! Im glad you're here venting! :hug:
 
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OMG, if you put "dad" in the place of "mom" then you have my daily life (you know, since the...
Thank you. That also makes sense. I'm worried about arguing (or perceived arguments)in front of my child but at the same time I don't want him to learn that's how dad's talk to mom's. I too need to learn boundaries and it's great to put the responsibility back on him. I need to remember that.
 
It's actually a lot worse for a child to never see their parents arguing or disagreeing because this is how children learn about conflict resolution. If mom and dad never argue, the kids turn 18, go out into the world and are utterly lost as to how to effectively resolve problems.

It's ----too much---- arguing that is bad.
 
Im sorry but I disagree, arguing in front of children, in my opinion, can damage the child and certianly isnt good.

Teaching the child good conflict resolution is to have a level toned discussion where both parties have an end resolution. So say the issue is the wife went out and bought some clothes when they couldnt afford to. There could be a fight but you are fighting over the subject and fighting over subject rarely if ever become resolved. An end resultion is "we cant afford to spend like that right now and we need to tighten up how we spend until we can afford it" where both parties feel respected and feel their voice is heard. Fighting over "why did you go out and buy clothes? You know we cant afford that! All you are is....blah blah blah" isnt good to do in front of a child.

And neither is one parent talking down to another or making snide, disrespectful remarks. What is that teaching the child? That its ok to disrespect your partner, in my opinion.

Just my opinions.
 
I stand by what I said.

Arguing isn't necessarily yelling or screaming or raising your voice.

My opinion is based on what I've heard -------from the mouths of therapists------ that clients who had parents who never argued can be difficult to help in this arena because they didn't learn important life skills as a child.

People in the real world WILL yell and scream. Its simply a fact of life. It's important to know how to handle this. If you don't have first hand experience you're likely to not know what to do when an adverse situation arises.

If you disagree, please feel free to do much research online. My opinion isn't just based on what I feel. It's based on real world results.
 
I do agree the child needs to see some disagreements between parents and healthy resolutions. My issue is I feel the power is one sided, and when I'm triggered is probably not the best thing for my child to see how that plays out. What he does need to hear from me (if I'm able) is, "I'm not able to discuss this with you right now, we need a time out and then come back to resolve this issue when we've cooled down." (Or something to that effect.) Being triggered that's something I need to work on.
 
My issue is I feel the power is one sided, and when I'm triggered is probably not the best thing for my child to see how that plays out.
Also, your husband being an asshole to you in front of your child isn't OK. The sarcastic 'thanks' is modeling straight-up bad behavior. But I understand how that puts you in a bind - your husband starts acting like a child, in front of your child, and he's basically abdicated parenting.

These kinds of communication issues don't seem to resolve themselves too effectively, especially if both parties don't see the problem equally. A third voice (counselor) can both mediate and challenge in a way that keeps the people in the marriage from simultaneously having to work on their own communication/listening AND being referee. Any chance you can get some counseling for the two of you?
 
I think the argument about arguments on this very thread actually models good arguing and healthy working through of a disagreement.

Those that come from abusive situations, tend to equate argument with life and death danger... and that's not always the case.

@Notrueself - it makes sense that this would remind you of past abusers and how they used to expect you to read their minds too. As others have said, in the case of your husband, I don't see what you describe as mind games but rather, as poor communication and boundaries of self. You both are assuming the other will think like you do. A LOT of people do this who are not flat out dangerous abusers but more ordinary flawed human beings.

If you can, communicate more, find out where the differences of opinion are, and negotiate a solution - which sometimes may simply be understanding each other better. If you and your husband can't find a peaceful way to work through this type of disagreement together, couples counseling would be a great idea.
 
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