Friday
Moderator
Despite the sexual abuse I have suffered, sex is the one thing that can distract me from a flash back and make me feel safe. It makes no sense! Having someone on top of me makes me feel safe and protected, how does that work? It messes with my mind pretty bad. it.
Sex is my hands down favorite grounding technique. It's the one time where I'm completely present, aware, & interacting. I'm wholly in the moment, and there is no future/no past. Masturbation is something like a distant 14th. (But simple snogging comes up to a distant 2nd or close 3rd). It's the interaction between other people that makes things click for me. Like tumblers in a lock, it's just the right combo of all senses needed and being used to pull me completely into the present. Orgasms can & are awesome resets (for me) and if I can catch a panic attack very early on, I can usually "hotwire", jump start, "and now for something completely different" my brain... But nowhere near as effectively as sex can & does. Sex nixes not only panic attacks -at any stage of them-, but full on flashbacks.
No childhood sexual abuse.
My libido & sexdrive were already wicked high before I got PTSD / there is little to no change in my before & after. It's just that after, it's a useful tool in addition to being one of my favorite things, ever. Yep, got a little compulsive about sex back when it was the only tool in my toolbox (when you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail), but once I added more tools? Sex is still as fun and as useful as ever. Adding tools didn't mean I lost out.
Yep. I feel safe tangled up with someone, half or wholly under them (honestly, whether I'm safe with them, or not). Love that feeling. Sex or no sex. ((Just like masturbation/orgasm can be a substitution for sex, there are substitutions for feeling protected & safe under. Which isn't automatically sexual. SPD kids/adults, ASD kids/adults, ADHD kids/adults (et cetera) often use weighted blankets, tight wrapping, and other substitutions to elicit a similar feeling of calm/ safe.))
Also hafta say I'm with your spouse on the BDSM as therapy thing. I can & have enjoyed some BDSM relationships... But it's a highly skilled area, that demands a lot of both skill & trust, and comes along with a high risk of doing more damage in unskilled hands, even "just" as play. That puts your spouse in a very, very dangerous position. Either in damaging your relationship by the inherent risk of one of you being hurt by the other, or you yourself becoming damaged outside the relationship by someone who doesn't know what they're doing... And your relationship suffering as a result of your new trauma. Plus the self harm issue. Plus the potential for pain to pleasure changeover and your own sexlife becoming boring... The list of risks inherent in exploring BDSM either inside or outside of your marriage stacked against potential gain? I would be exceptionally wary, as well. (Read full on balk.). And I enjoy it (even though it's not my "thing") / have nothing against it.
Last edited: