• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I Am Hating Men More And More

Status
Not open for further replies.

Onefineday

Confident
First of all I am sory if this offends anyone, I know that my views on men can be pretty harsh sometimes depending on how I feel, I can be incredibly blunt when I'm mad, so yall have been warned! Not a lot of people are willing to have the tolerance to understand, and please, I am really asking that nobody says 'oh well they aren't all like that' 'I'm a nice guy I'm not like that' 'you ned to realise that there are nice guys out there', etc. I really don't need to hear it, it's for me to learn on my own and as much as people try to tell me, it would be like me telling someone to stop having panic attacks and actually expecting that to solve the problem. So should you get offended, you should stop reading now! :naughty:

As I may have mentioned before I have a few issues with men. The only way I can really put it for people to understand, I have never had a positive male influence in my life, ever. They have ALL been abusive in some way, so now it is inmy head that they are all like that, they all want something from me, wether it's sex, control, they get some sort of pleasure from trying to fool me, whatever.

Well last night my issues were pulled out of the closet again, I had a bit of an incident with my neighbours. I was sitting in the bath and heard someone banging on my bedroom window and on the screen door. By the time I got dressed and went outside they were gone, I thought it was my cousin because she is having some issues lately and it was the middle of the night so I couldn't think of anyone else who would come around at that time. So I grabbed my torch and ran down the street to find her because when they were banging at the door they sounded frustrated. As I came back home my neighbours came outside (my house is attached to another house and my neighbours are both men, brothers, friends, I don't know), and I could tell by the way they were talking that they'd been drinking. One of them said 'can I strangle hold you?', I don't know if he was talking to me or not, but it made me realise I had to get the hell inside.

About 30 seconds after I got inside they started banging on the door and on the window again, I turned off all the lights and just hid in the dark hoping they would go away, but they didn't. One was at the door, the other was standing by their door. I started freaking out because they wouldn't leave, and teh guy at my door was saying sleazy crap, trying to get me to come outside, that he 'just wanted to chat', and that I should come party with them. I knew EXACTLY what he meant though so I didn't answer the door. After about 30 minutes I grabbed my phone and snuck into the kitchen and called the police. The cops showed up and as soon as they pulled into the driveway I heard the guy at my door swear and saw him run back to their house. The cops spoke to them for about 15 minutes and then came to ask me what happened, then he said they'd obviously been drinking too much and that I should lock all my doors and windows. He said do not answer the door if they come back, instead call the police again.

They didn't come back, but I was so scared the whole night, I wanted to go to my grandparents but I couldn't call them. Every time I heard a noise my heart jumped into my throat, Go only knows what they would have done had I answered while they were at the door. I was so scared, I thought I was going to get raped or something because he was sounding so frustrated. I am just so angry that this happened, I have lived here for 4 years and never had a problem, they have lived here for about 2 years and we have barely spoken, in fact I can only think of one time I actually SPOKE to them. Which made the situation even more scary for me. I live by myself too, and it's not fair that I should have to live in fear in my own house, it's bad enough that I can't even walk the street with having some stupid pervert following me trying to offer me money to 'hang out'.

I must be some sort of pathetic joke to men, I have never in my LIFE got respect. I can't even look at a couple walking down the street now without thinking the guy must have talked her into sex, that he doesn't really care for her he just wants a trophy. All they seem to want is sex, or to hook up, they are fake, and I can't believe ANY guy who says he cares for me. I have tried before, bu he ended up going off with another girl and just leaving me in hte dark. I don't know what it is about ME that attracts all this, I've lost friends who can't back off when I have said I'm not interested, I've been sitting on hte bus and had some guy stickhis hand through the back of the chair and start touching me, I've some guy with a girlfriend and a baby ask me really personal questions and ask what I'd say if he asked to kiss me. Ever since I was a kid these things happened, I remember being 11 years old and having grown men pull up next to me in their car chatting me up because they thought I was older than I was.
I passionately dispise being told I' attractive, my grandfather always says that, even with what happened last night he said it was because I'm so attractive. It makes me want to f***ing vomit when he says that, of all the men that make me sick when they say that, he is the one that makes my skin crawl when I hear it. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but even as I write this I want to start screaming and throw something, I can't tell you how much I hate it. And I have asked him to stop, but he won't and he gets angry at me. Again he's not being sleazy, he's just being a grandfather, but I swear to God if he say it one more time...

I am going insane with my hate of men, an the thing is, I can be FRIENDS with men with absolutely no problem, and I DO want to be in a relationship. All my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, etc., I haven't even gone out with one guy. The fear that runs through me sometimes is enough to make me never come back. I remember watching a movie with a friend and he started holding my hand, Jesus Christ I was terrified.
I have started seeing my therapist again because I have seen her for about 10 years and she has met one of the people who abused me first hand, she knows exactly what he was like. I saw her a few days ago and told her what I need to move on from, she said to me she could tell I was so angry and that my eyes would flash every time I got mad about what I was talking about. She said there is no way I can ever fully get over what happened growing up, which I have understood for a long time, but how can I live with such a dispise? I have tried so hard to not think and feel the way I do, but it's too late. I have literally brainwashed myself into hating men. But I know there is a different reality. Although I can't see it, and I can't believe it's there. I just cannot be convinced that there is anything different than what I see, and even if it did exsist, it certainly doesn't for me. I seem to be some sort of f*** head magnet, all I ever do is attract drunk, sleazy, abusive, lying idiots.
All I want is respect from someone, a guy who gets it and is willing to treat me like a human being, for him to take the time to understand. Just RESPECT, it's all I want. I'm not a slut, I'm not a toy, I'm not a joke, I'm not a trophy, I'm not someone you can abuse, I'm not someone you can lie to, and I'm not going to take crap. I'd rather be alone my whole life, at least I know I'm with someone that respects me. I'd rather hide from it so I don't get hurt again.

Please don't lecture me about how I'm close minded and stone hearted and that there are decent people out there who will respect me , unless someone says 'I know exactly how you feel', you won't be telling me something I haven't already heard before. Nobody seems to get it, nobody seems to understand and everyone seems to have advice as though telling me to move on is going to solve my problems. If I hear one more person tell me that all men aren't like that or that they want to set me up with someone...
I'm sorry if all this is hate filled, I'm just so mad right now. I hate living with so much hate.
 
I really like that you said what was helpful to hear and what was not. And I Do understand. I was certainly angrier at men when I was younger. Now it is mainly that I don't trust them. I may like them but I don't trust them. Some of the most devestating experiences I have had were being blindsided by " nice, gentlemanly guys". It really is hard to tell the good guys and bad guys apart.

I was married and as much as I 'loved' him (to the degree that it is possible for me to get attatched) I could not relax...physically trust. He died of cancer a few years later and sad and grieving as I was...my lizard brain was overjoyed to be alone/safe. I doubt I will be able to manage a romantic or live-in relationship ever. But I am okay with that now. When not in a PTSD flare I am a busy happy person. I won't sacrifice that for risky relationships.

Therapy helped a lot to get me to a better place...that worked for me. The other thing that helped was martial arts. I did Kenpo Karate for a few years. It built my confidence in protecting myself...gave me kudos for being distrustful and alert...channelled my anger...and put me in situations where I had to hit and be hit...lessening the charge from being beat relentlessly as a kid (I could fight back).

You will find your path OFD...it won't look like anyone else's...so what. That was a frightening experience with the neighbors and I too would be freaked out. It sucks. You have a right to your anger.
 
I agree you have a right to your anger..I have been in a man hating stage for a very long time but there are times that I have a glimmer of hope that I will find a nice one. I cannot find one of them either...though..I have seen them and know that they are there. That gives me hope because I have seen some nice ones. I have oftne felt sick and nauseated and angry that I cannot go out without someone coming on to me or acting like a complete jerk...So..I just wanted to let you know that I totally related to your post!
 
I once believed that all men were abusers and all women were victims, to the point that I couldn't engage in sex for fear that I was being abusive. I hated all men too and yet I am one and so I ended up hating myself, even though I am dedicated not to lie, cheat, control or abuse. I hated to be in the same class as other men. It took me a long time to work through that anger, (which has never completely gone away), and even to this day I am still very cautious and suspicious of men. In general, I don't trust men. Maybe that's a good thing, because it keeps me on my toes and allows me to remember the potential for abuse when dealing with men.
I don't know if my post will be helpful to you, but as a man who was severely abused by other men (as a child), I thought you should know that in respect to hating and mistrusting men, we are not that different. I also think you're anger is healthy, and I hope this is helpful for you in some way. Finally, I hope you find the happiness and respect you deserve.
 
Dear One,

What a terrifying experience. I am so glad you called the police, but I am saddened that you had to be a prisoner in your own home. It seems to me that there should have been consequences for them for the threat of your personal safety. I don't know your circumstances, but I would like to encourage you to move. To knock on your windows and doors with leering comments and continue at it....that seems like outrageous behavior. I believe you are at risk for future violence from them.
 
Oh I could definetly not move. They could have raped me and I still wouldn't leave. I moved house 13 tmes in my life and have lived in this home since I was 17, it's the longest I've ever stayed in one home. It's the only safe place I have, and I know I have at least this one security in my life. I have everything I could hope for, and I truly believe I got this home because I deserved it, but that's another story in itself. My biggest fear is having to move!

Thanks to everyone for understanding, I have been expecting somebody to get really mad at me as that's the first thing that usually happens.
 
I can't even look at a couple walking down the street now without thinking the guy must have talked her into sex, that he doesn't really care for her he just wants a trophy.

Onefineday,

I know where you're coming from. I feel the same way! I have never had a positive experience with men and it is extremely difficult for me to look at a man and not see him as someone I or someone else will get hurt by.

Thank you for opening up and sharing that story with us. It couldn't have been easy. Congrats to you for calling the police. That also takes courage. Also, good for you for knowing that you are not a toy, a joke, something to abuse, etc. It's all too easy for someone to believe that after so much abuse.

I understand that you don't want people to tell you "not all men are like that". It's something that you will hopefully get the chance to learn first hand because you do deserve to see that. I, as well, hope to learn that because right now that seems extremely impossible.

You aren't alone in these feelings and if it ever happens again, continue to call the police. You do deserve to feel safe in your home and no one should change that. Do whatever it takes and defend yourself and your home.

Take care
Manic
 
Boy...........I've been right where you are at for a majority of my life.

There does seem to be a ton of jerks out there......just is what it is I guess. I think it is truly a function of our society's lack of respect for women. And how they watched their father's treat their mother's.

It is very very bad for everyone.

I was extremely angry and hated men for so long...........yet longed to love and be loved.
I can spot a*holes a mile away now. Hopefully someday our world will be different with regard to this.

I did find a wonderful one who respects and adores me...........so even with the predominance of jerks.......don't give up. I know, it's terrifying.
 
Not all men are assholes, looking to take advantage of women. Yes, there are some out there that do, but not all......

You will never attract anyone worthy, unless you stop with the man hating, and lumping all guys in the category.....Try learning to love yourself, with all of your faults, and soon enough, some nice guy will be banging on your door, for the right reason......
 
I will not try to say any of those things you do not want to hear.

I can't remember exactly what I said in your intro but I am glad you are here, thank you for the courage to say your mind and hope that this forum helps you.

I am sorry that you have had these bad experiences. I cannot say I know how you feel or what you should or should not do.

Just that I am one man who cares that you feel so bad. A simple offer of compassion without ANY expectations from you.

ISH
 
The first man to rape me gave me these candy covered peanuts. I hated those candies for many years. We often hate to protect ourselves from being abused again. I know women who not only hate the men that have abused them, they hate the women they know, because they hate themselves.

Hate keeps us warm when we're in an abusive situation, but when we find a refuge or safety, it's time to exchange the hate with something else. What do you want instead of hate?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top