Onefineday
Confident
First of all I am sory if this offends anyone, I know that my views on men can be pretty harsh sometimes depending on how I feel, I can be incredibly blunt when I'm mad, so yall have been warned! Not a lot of people are willing to have the tolerance to understand, and please, I am really asking that nobody says 'oh well they aren't all like that' 'I'm a nice guy I'm not like that' 'you ned to realise that there are nice guys out there', etc. I really don't need to hear it, it's for me to learn on my own and as much as people try to tell me, it would be like me telling someone to stop having panic attacks and actually expecting that to solve the problem. So should you get offended, you should stop reading now! :naughty:
As I may have mentioned before I have a few issues with men. The only way I can really put it for people to understand, I have never had a positive male influence in my life, ever. They have ALL been abusive in some way, so now it is inmy head that they are all like that, they all want something from me, wether it's sex, control, they get some sort of pleasure from trying to fool me, whatever.
Well last night my issues were pulled out of the closet again, I had a bit of an incident with my neighbours. I was sitting in the bath and heard someone banging on my bedroom window and on the screen door. By the time I got dressed and went outside they were gone, I thought it was my cousin because she is having some issues lately and it was the middle of the night so I couldn't think of anyone else who would come around at that time. So I grabbed my torch and ran down the street to find her because when they were banging at the door they sounded frustrated. As I came back home my neighbours came outside (my house is attached to another house and my neighbours are both men, brothers, friends, I don't know), and I could tell by the way they were talking that they'd been drinking. One of them said 'can I strangle hold you?', I don't know if he was talking to me or not, but it made me realise I had to get the hell inside.
About 30 seconds after I got inside they started banging on the door and on the window again, I turned off all the lights and just hid in the dark hoping they would go away, but they didn't. One was at the door, the other was standing by their door. I started freaking out because they wouldn't leave, and teh guy at my door was saying sleazy crap, trying to get me to come outside, that he 'just wanted to chat', and that I should come party with them. I knew EXACTLY what he meant though so I didn't answer the door. After about 30 minutes I grabbed my phone and snuck into the kitchen and called the police. The cops showed up and as soon as they pulled into the driveway I heard the guy at my door swear and saw him run back to their house. The cops spoke to them for about 15 minutes and then came to ask me what happened, then he said they'd obviously been drinking too much and that I should lock all my doors and windows. He said do not answer the door if they come back, instead call the police again.
They didn't come back, but I was so scared the whole night, I wanted to go to my grandparents but I couldn't call them. Every time I heard a noise my heart jumped into my throat, Go only knows what they would have done had I answered while they were at the door. I was so scared, I thought I was going to get raped or something because he was sounding so frustrated. I am just so angry that this happened, I have lived here for 4 years and never had a problem, they have lived here for about 2 years and we have barely spoken, in fact I can only think of one time I actually SPOKE to them. Which made the situation even more scary for me. I live by myself too, and it's not fair that I should have to live in fear in my own house, it's bad enough that I can't even walk the street with having some stupid pervert following me trying to offer me money to 'hang out'.
I must be some sort of pathetic joke to men, I have never in my LIFE got respect. I can't even look at a couple walking down the street now without thinking the guy must have talked her into sex, that he doesn't really care for her he just wants a trophy. All they seem to want is sex, or to hook up, they are fake, and I can't believe ANY guy who says he cares for me. I have tried before, bu he ended up going off with another girl and just leaving me in hte dark. I don't know what it is about ME that attracts all this, I've lost friends who can't back off when I have said I'm not interested, I've been sitting on hte bus and had some guy stickhis hand through the back of the chair and start touching me, I've some guy with a girlfriend and a baby ask me really personal questions and ask what I'd say if he asked to kiss me. Ever since I was a kid these things happened, I remember being 11 years old and having grown men pull up next to me in their car chatting me up because they thought I was older than I was.
I passionately dispise being told I' attractive, my grandfather always says that, even with what happened last night he said it was because I'm so attractive. It makes me want to f***ing vomit when he says that, of all the men that make me sick when they say that, he is the one that makes my skin crawl when I hear it. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but even as I write this I want to start screaming and throw something, I can't tell you how much I hate it. And I have asked him to stop, but he won't and he gets angry at me. Again he's not being sleazy, he's just being a grandfather, but I swear to God if he say it one more time...
I am going insane with my hate of men, an the thing is, I can be FRIENDS with men with absolutely no problem, and I DO want to be in a relationship. All my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, etc., I haven't even gone out with one guy. The fear that runs through me sometimes is enough to make me never come back. I remember watching a movie with a friend and he started holding my hand, Jesus Christ I was terrified.
I have started seeing my therapist again because I have seen her for about 10 years and she has met one of the people who abused me first hand, she knows exactly what he was like. I saw her a few days ago and told her what I need to move on from, she said to me she could tell I was so angry and that my eyes would flash every time I got mad about what I was talking about. She said there is no way I can ever fully get over what happened growing up, which I have understood for a long time, but how can I live with such a dispise? I have tried so hard to not think and feel the way I do, but it's too late. I have literally brainwashed myself into hating men. But I know there is a different reality. Although I can't see it, and I can't believe it's there. I just cannot be convinced that there is anything different than what I see, and even if it did exsist, it certainly doesn't for me. I seem to be some sort of f*** head magnet, all I ever do is attract drunk, sleazy, abusive, lying idiots.
All I want is respect from someone, a guy who gets it and is willing to treat me like a human being, for him to take the time to understand. Just RESPECT, it's all I want. I'm not a slut, I'm not a toy, I'm not a joke, I'm not a trophy, I'm not someone you can abuse, I'm not someone you can lie to, and I'm not going to take crap. I'd rather be alone my whole life, at least I know I'm with someone that respects me. I'd rather hide from it so I don't get hurt again.
Please don't lecture me about how I'm close minded and stone hearted and that there are decent people out there who will respect me , unless someone says 'I know exactly how you feel', you won't be telling me something I haven't already heard before. Nobody seems to get it, nobody seems to understand and everyone seems to have advice as though telling me to move on is going to solve my problems. If I hear one more person tell me that all men aren't like that or that they want to set me up with someone...
I'm sorry if all this is hate filled, I'm just so mad right now. I hate living with so much hate.
As I may have mentioned before I have a few issues with men. The only way I can really put it for people to understand, I have never had a positive male influence in my life, ever. They have ALL been abusive in some way, so now it is inmy head that they are all like that, they all want something from me, wether it's sex, control, they get some sort of pleasure from trying to fool me, whatever.
Well last night my issues were pulled out of the closet again, I had a bit of an incident with my neighbours. I was sitting in the bath and heard someone banging on my bedroom window and on the screen door. By the time I got dressed and went outside they were gone, I thought it was my cousin because she is having some issues lately and it was the middle of the night so I couldn't think of anyone else who would come around at that time. So I grabbed my torch and ran down the street to find her because when they were banging at the door they sounded frustrated. As I came back home my neighbours came outside (my house is attached to another house and my neighbours are both men, brothers, friends, I don't know), and I could tell by the way they were talking that they'd been drinking. One of them said 'can I strangle hold you?', I don't know if he was talking to me or not, but it made me realise I had to get the hell inside.
About 30 seconds after I got inside they started banging on the door and on the window again, I turned off all the lights and just hid in the dark hoping they would go away, but they didn't. One was at the door, the other was standing by their door. I started freaking out because they wouldn't leave, and teh guy at my door was saying sleazy crap, trying to get me to come outside, that he 'just wanted to chat', and that I should come party with them. I knew EXACTLY what he meant though so I didn't answer the door. After about 30 minutes I grabbed my phone and snuck into the kitchen and called the police. The cops showed up and as soon as they pulled into the driveway I heard the guy at my door swear and saw him run back to their house. The cops spoke to them for about 15 minutes and then came to ask me what happened, then he said they'd obviously been drinking too much and that I should lock all my doors and windows. He said do not answer the door if they come back, instead call the police again.
They didn't come back, but I was so scared the whole night, I wanted to go to my grandparents but I couldn't call them. Every time I heard a noise my heart jumped into my throat, Go only knows what they would have done had I answered while they were at the door. I was so scared, I thought I was going to get raped or something because he was sounding so frustrated. I am just so angry that this happened, I have lived here for 4 years and never had a problem, they have lived here for about 2 years and we have barely spoken, in fact I can only think of one time I actually SPOKE to them. Which made the situation even more scary for me. I live by myself too, and it's not fair that I should have to live in fear in my own house, it's bad enough that I can't even walk the street with having some stupid pervert following me trying to offer me money to 'hang out'.
I must be some sort of pathetic joke to men, I have never in my LIFE got respect. I can't even look at a couple walking down the street now without thinking the guy must have talked her into sex, that he doesn't really care for her he just wants a trophy. All they seem to want is sex, or to hook up, they are fake, and I can't believe ANY guy who says he cares for me. I have tried before, bu he ended up going off with another girl and just leaving me in hte dark. I don't know what it is about ME that attracts all this, I've lost friends who can't back off when I have said I'm not interested, I've been sitting on hte bus and had some guy stickhis hand through the back of the chair and start touching me, I've some guy with a girlfriend and a baby ask me really personal questions and ask what I'd say if he asked to kiss me. Ever since I was a kid these things happened, I remember being 11 years old and having grown men pull up next to me in their car chatting me up because they thought I was older than I was.
I passionately dispise being told I' attractive, my grandfather always says that, even with what happened last night he said it was because I'm so attractive. It makes me want to f***ing vomit when he says that, of all the men that make me sick when they say that, he is the one that makes my skin crawl when I hear it. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but even as I write this I want to start screaming and throw something, I can't tell you how much I hate it. And I have asked him to stop, but he won't and he gets angry at me. Again he's not being sleazy, he's just being a grandfather, but I swear to God if he say it one more time...
I am going insane with my hate of men, an the thing is, I can be FRIENDS with men with absolutely no problem, and I DO want to be in a relationship. All my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, etc., I haven't even gone out with one guy. The fear that runs through me sometimes is enough to make me never come back. I remember watching a movie with a friend and he started holding my hand, Jesus Christ I was terrified.
I have started seeing my therapist again because I have seen her for about 10 years and she has met one of the people who abused me first hand, she knows exactly what he was like. I saw her a few days ago and told her what I need to move on from, she said to me she could tell I was so angry and that my eyes would flash every time I got mad about what I was talking about. She said there is no way I can ever fully get over what happened growing up, which I have understood for a long time, but how can I live with such a dispise? I have tried so hard to not think and feel the way I do, but it's too late. I have literally brainwashed myself into hating men. But I know there is a different reality. Although I can't see it, and I can't believe it's there. I just cannot be convinced that there is anything different than what I see, and even if it did exsist, it certainly doesn't for me. I seem to be some sort of f*** head magnet, all I ever do is attract drunk, sleazy, abusive, lying idiots.
All I want is respect from someone, a guy who gets it and is willing to treat me like a human being, for him to take the time to understand. Just RESPECT, it's all I want. I'm not a slut, I'm not a toy, I'm not a joke, I'm not a trophy, I'm not someone you can abuse, I'm not someone you can lie to, and I'm not going to take crap. I'd rather be alone my whole life, at least I know I'm with someone that respects me. I'd rather hide from it so I don't get hurt again.
Please don't lecture me about how I'm close minded and stone hearted and that there are decent people out there who will respect me , unless someone says 'I know exactly how you feel', you won't be telling me something I haven't already heard before. Nobody seems to get it, nobody seems to understand and everyone seems to have advice as though telling me to move on is going to solve my problems. If I hear one more person tell me that all men aren't like that or that they want to set me up with someone...
I'm sorry if all this is hate filled, I'm just so mad right now. I hate living with so much hate.