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I Am Hating Men More And More

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I think your family has had very bad taste in men. You may have learned in the past to have the same bad taste. But you can also look at it this way; You now have an Honorary Doctorate in Assholes. Sort of a asshole meter to help you avoid them from now on.
It is an important part of recovery to realize that not all men are equal. Not all women are either. In fact some would argue that woman can be a whole hell of a lot meaner than men. But for right now you are in a place where you are fully right in hating men. Your living in a cocoon of assholes by the sound of things. But nothing in life ever stays the same, and in time this will all be a memory and you will have yet another opportunity in life to look back and see what an amazing person you are for having gotten through it. In the mean time, hate men all you need too, but do not discount the possibility that there may be a few good ones out there too.
Wishing you well.
O
 
I just finished reading "The Gift of Fear" this morning! I think it has a lot of usefull information in it, however at this time I'm such a nervous wreck at the edge of panic every day that I'm not sure if it's intuition or something else that I'm feeling.
 
OFD,

You verbalize beautifully, and are very in touch with and aware of your feelings. I quite simply do understand what you're feeling and why. I also understand your frustration at not being able to get this thought pattern out of your head and 'get over it".

It's awful to feel like you do, and think you're being very hard on yourself. :) Others are the ones who wish us to 'get over it', and our shame/guilt makes us say that to ourselves. Getting through it, understanding it ( which you do), and managing it are much less self-judgemental things to say to yourself.

I posted a 'thanks' to someone on the previous page who articulated her progress through this particular mind-set, and where she is now.( Sigh. I can't remember who it was, sorry!) My experience has been the same. I'm 'down to' despising only certain men now, and the one who got past my defenses is an awesomely kind and rock-like presence in my life. Once in awhile my head jerks me around and I'll have a shot at distrusting and being fearful of him also, but he weathers the storm consistently ( God bless him!).

Please take care, and even while having these awful feelings just plain be patient with yourself. You've had a crappy, crappy time of it and more than deserve kindness-especially from yourself!

Hugs,

Anni
 
Hi, thanks for the message and sorry I missed you.

It seems like there were 3 significant people from your childhood that you write about who have caused you a lot of pain:

Your grandfather
Your stepfather
Your mother

But was there anyone else or do you think they may have been someone else?

It also might help to separate them out individually and look at each of their behaviour in turn. If you can try to be as objective as you can and just deal with the facts of what they did without the emotion (for now at least).

If you start with your grandfather, what were the circumstances leading up to beating you up -


I wrote a big long response earlier today and then when I posted it something went wrong and it never came up, an entire hour wasted.

So I'll write something AGAIN...


I have never had a step-father he was only my mums boyfriend, he is the most significant of all the people that ever abused me, or at least the worst. I will never forgive him. He took my mother from me, he treated me like the most worthless peice of crap. I lost everything but the clothes on my back because of him. All he wanted in life was for me to dissapear and have my mum to himself. I'm not going to go into the story right now because it will take forever, but he can kiss my ass.

My grandfather beat me because we initianally got into a petty fight. I am really embarrassed to say because of the crap I get for it, but I am a bit of a Michael Jackson fan. Say whatever the hell you want (I'm a devistated fan in mourning, so you don't want to mess with me on this!), but back in the days of my teenagehood I idolised him. My grandfather said something not very nice about him and I got upset, then in the middle of a disagreement he turned around and made a racist remark about MJ, and told me to stop being stupid over a n*gger. I got pretty pissed and said 'don't you dare call me stupid' and he came marching across the room and got in my face yelling at me. I was sitting down at the time, and he was standing over me with his fist right in my face, and I said 'get your fist out of my face' and pust his fist away, then he suddenly snapped and started punching me. I tried to get away from him so I kicked him to try and get away from him and he started kicking me and hitting me more. Then he grabbed me by my wrist and dragged me out of the chair while he was still hitting me, but before he had a chance to do whatever he was going to do my mum came to see what was going on because she could hear me screaming, and then she started yelling at him to get away from him. Then we both went to my aunties house for the night. My grandfather wouldn't talk to me for 3 and a half months, and any time that he did it was something snide and angry. My entire family other than my mother took his side, saying he had things to deal with and it was hard for him, and one of my cousins was so mad she didn't want to talk to me. I had bruises on my legs and on my arm, and he is twice as big as me. But God forbid HE should do anything wrong. I was even told by my cousin what she had heard about our fight, and it was just a bit different to what had actually happened. My auntie even confirmed that when I spoke to her recently (after yet another fight with my grandpa, but it wasnt physical that time). So it's nice to know that people would take the side of someone who is a known alcoholic (but oh, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic of course), who is known to have a temper (but that's only because he has a lot to deal with, so he's allowed to angry), and who used to beat my mum when she was younger (although that never really happened did it? It's just my mums delusions). My grandfather is the closest thing to a real father I've known, and we do get along. But he can be a wanker sometimes, and I sure don't care for his racism, which he denies. Sorry, but calling people gooks and blackies and n*ggers is racist. And just because I'm a grown up now doesnt mean he can talk that crap in front of me.

Another now significant person would be my real father who I met when I was 18, we don't get along at all. He is so angry, another alcoholic, and he thinks the entire world is against him. If he's mad at me he will send me messages on my phone calling me a drama queen and a wimp, if he tires to give me things and I say no thanks he will get in a huff and call me stubborn and tell me I appreciate nothing that people do for me. He takes every situation and blows it out of proportion. On my 21st he got a friend to call me in the middle of the night to asked if I cared about the fact he has cancer, and why don't I come visit him. She was trying to be nice, but when I told her about the things he's said and done she was shocked and said she had no idea. I see him occassionally but I can't stand walking on egg shells around him. All the names he calls me are the same things my mums ex-boyfriend called me, so I take it very personally. It is one of my triggers being called these things or having someone get angry at me. So I can rarely cope with my dad.

Most other people were smaller incidences. The first sexual encounter I can remember was when I was 5, with my mums friends son who was 7. Whenever we stayed at their house when we'd go to bed he would keep asking for sex, and he would lie their and say 'can we have sex?' over and over and over and over and over for hours. I almost caved in once, I remember saying 'fine just do it' and taking my clothes off, but then he ended up going off doing something else before anything happened. I know because of our age that might seem petty, but even now it disgusts me.
Then their was a guy that used to catch the same bus as me on the way to school when I was 11, he was 19 and went somewhere else, but he would always sit and talk to me. He made me feel awkward because he was a bit odd, I think he had dyslexia. Then one day he asked me out, and it freaked me out. I tried to avoid him but it didn't work so my mum made me called the bus company and tell them, then they sent 2 people to meet me at the bus stop and when I got off the bus they stayed on and when he did get off they told him who they were and to stay away from me. From then on he'd sit on the bus and stare at me with this hateful look.
When I was 8 I was at a friends house and her brother who was 14 kept groping me, he would just stand their touching my ass all day, and when my friend wanted me to stay the night his brother said I could sleep with him in his room. This certain incident I had the guts to tell him to back off, I said if he touched me one more time I'd tell his mother, and after a bit of protest he finally backed off.
I did have something going on with a guy I met while I was in America, he would write mushy love letters and call me all the time and we'd spend forever chatting on the computer, I had spend 24/7 with him while I was over there. I know what yall are thinking, what can I expect from someone in another country. Well I didn't persue him he persued me. And even getting a letter from him terrified me. I couldn't read his letters or cope with the things he'd say. But my therapist said I should use it as an opportunity to get used to that kind of thing because it's no as direct as if he were actually with me, I could do it in my own time. And it started to work, I would read his letters over and over until I was used to it, and eventually I was starting to get pretty stoked by it.Then he suddenly dissapeared and went off with aother girl. Then he came back to me. Then he went back to her and told me to suck it when I confronted him. Then last week I got a message from him with his appologies, that he just wants me to be happy. Bugger off. I was shattered, not just because he went off with someone else, but because he ruined a really great frinedship, and we were very good friends. And he betrayed any ounce of trust I gave him. I thought maybe he'd prove me wrong, but he proved me right.
In highschool I copped it a bit, I didn't really have a lot of friends, and on top of that, I was um, a bit more developed that most of the other chicks. It was a bit of a downfall as a kid, I looked so much older than I was, when I was 8 I could pull off 12 or 13. Now that I'm 22 I look 17. But back then it caused me to get a lot of male attention by men a LOT older than me. And in highschool it got me a lot of attention for a while too. One guy in particular (and I swear if I ever meet this guy again I'll bloody smack him) gave me HELL. And at one point he was obsessed with my rack. He humiliated me in front of my entire class during drama one day, he had to do poses that I had to copy, so he purposefully did one pose that would mean that I would have to grab my chest in front of everyone. I knew exactly what the f**k he was up to so I just refused to do it. Then I went to a councellor and they spoke to him. It didn't stop him giving me hell, but at least it wasn't sexual anymore.
Plus being told by friends that guys have the right to break up with thier girlfriend after a few months if she doesn't want sex, that guys HAVE to have sex, then having someone offer me money to 'hang out', being followed home, having a friend ask me on a date, then after I say no keep having a crack when he's drunk, having a guy sit behind me on the bus and sticking his hand through the back of the chair to start touching me, or some random guy I've never seen in my life sit next to me and put his arm around me and start playing with my hair asking me to be his girlfriend, guys driving past yelling out perverted comments or calling me a slut...
I could go on and on with these, but I think you get the idea. And no, I am not the kind of person to intentionally attract this attention. I don't wear lots of make up or wear absolutely nothing, I don't find myself attractive at all. In fact I dispise being told I am pretty by anyone.

Anyway, I can't think of it as anything but negative, any guy trying to initiate anything more than friends makes me run in the other direction, I dread it. And there are times when it is literaly terror that I feel, not just 'don't touch me'. I am not an intimate person, the thought of kissing someone, bleh. I couldn't have sex because I'd think they just want it for the sex. I couldn't hold hands with someone or tell them how I feel. I am so comfortable alone, but it's so lonely.
 
On the RARE occasion, I will walk somewhere, but not without my dog Jake. When his hackles are raised, I swear he looks pre-historic. And any kind of behavior like you describe would raise his hackles all the way to his tail! My advice? Get a big ol' mean dog that you train from puppyhood (besides, being the master of a big ol' mean dog is therapeutic), and don't go walking if you can get around some other way, but when you do, take your dog with you.
 
On the RARE occasion, I will walk somewhere, but not without my dog Jake. When his hackles are raised, I swear he looks pre-historic. And any kind of behavior like you describe would raise his hackles all the way to his tail! My advice? Get a big ol' mean dog that you train from puppyhood (besides, being the master of a big ol' mean dog is therapeutic), and don't go walking if you can get around some other way, but when you do, take your dog with you.

I'd love to get a dog (I actually would like to adopt a greyhound), but I am renting and my house is too small. I have other pets though, one is a python and he seems to work a treat, I've had grown men pretty much run out the door when they see him. Whenever someone comes over for the first time it's usually 'heya, how have you been, what have you been up to since I saw you last, wow your house is really n.... what's in that tank?'. And then they never come back.

I have just finished studying Companion Animal Services though so I spend a lot of time around dogs anyway!
 
This is meant to make you laugh so I hope you do. Instead of a dog, get one of those stiff leashes with the collar. They sell them in joke stores. It is supposed to look like you have an invisible dog. I tell you, any woman who starts walking an invisible dog will eventually scare off most men!
Woof-Woof. Sick em'!
:rofl:
O
 
Oh MY GOSH .............Do I LOVE A HEALTHY MALE BASHING. FUNNY HOW DOGS WARD THEM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! h A hA HA AH
 
Haha and I'll tell it to sit every time I cross the street and take to the oval near my house and train it to sit and come, 'no leave that other dog alone! Come here!!! NOW!!!'. And I will hug and pet him and squeeze him and love him and I will call him George...
 
Hi OFD,

I read the last update regarding your grandfather - in my opinion, that would have been a horrific attack and assault on your own sense of self, identity and values as well as your physical body. I can see how that coupled with the other experiences you describe would really affect how you viewed men and how you believe they regard you.

I think I said before when we pm'd that it is so good that you are getting all this stuff out because you're only 22 and you are really working hard with these painful memories.

I'm also glad that you are angry rather than afraid because that is a good sign that you do actually realise that you were just an innocent victim caught up in these messed up people's lives.

It will take time to move on to the next stage of your recovery but I believe you will get there. You sound like you have some respect for your therapist's knowledge and insight which is good because that is an important relationship for you to have. I also think she is right to tell you to come here and vent because this is where you can safety expose your feelings and emotions without getting hurt.

Keep posting okay?

Helena
 
Hi OFD,

I read the last update regarding your grandfather - in my opinion, that would have been a horrific attack and assault on your own sense of self, identity and values as well as your physical body. I can see how that coupled with the other experiences you describe would really affect how you viewed men and how you believe they regard you.

I think I said before when we pm'd that it is so good that you are getting all this stuff out because you're only 22 and you are really working hard with these painful memories.

I'm also glad that you are angry rather than afraid because that is a good sign that you do actually realise that you were just an innocent victim caught up in these messed up people's lives.

It will take time to move on to the next stage of your recovery but I believe you will get there. You sound like you have some respect for your therapist's knowledge and insight which is good because that is an important relationship for you to have. I also think she is right to tell you to come here and vent because this is where you can safety expose your feelings and emotions without getting hurt.

Keep posting okay?

Helena

I will, I usually only intend to write short things, but then I get myself so worked up that I end up carrying on for an hour. Like I've said before I'm at that resentful stage were I spend my time venting at any given opportunity. I can't wait for this stage to be over!
Even though I'm only 22 I could possibly have had PTSD for a very long time, it took so long to get diagnosed. Things started taking it's toll when I was about 11, that was when I was first told I had depression (if I get told I have depression ONE MORE TIME!!!). And then I started having nightmares about a year later. But this was at a point when I was too young to understand the things I saw seeing, so I had no idea what affect it was having on me. And look what happened...
 
Hi OFD,

I'm just once again struck by how many human beings wreck havoc in the lives of others, with no conscience no regard, and mostly no dam consequences. Violence, abuse, betrayal or all of the above has landed us all here. This havoc seems to be so pervasive and so endemic that it makes the top of my head feel like it's going to pop off because it's so overwhelming.

At least in my travels I got to this place. It sometimes makes all the difference in my day to visit here, read the stories, the various reply posts and once in awhile laugh!

I want to get one of those 'invisible dogs'! You're right, even the kooks out there might think twice about accosting someone who looks like an even bigger kook!

Take care!

Anni
 
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