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General I am Making His Life a Living Hell!!

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Hi Andrea

Ahh efexor-xr, the same one hubby is now on. Talk about a crappy adjustment period for the guys & us! Hubby has not been in the best of moods since starting it either. Still it is early days & we just have to wait & see how it goes. Hope your taking care of yourself.

Carp
Thanks for the codeword idea, now we just have to think of one we can both remember!

Anthony
When you said about the fly landing on you I thought of hubby straight away & had a lightbulb moment, that peeves him something shocking now. I get it now-thanks.
 
Carp,
From mood swings and medication to code words and communication you have made everything so clear to me...I wish that was all of it but i am certain that it is not :-( I understand he is just a mess with his emotions and feelings right now.. PTS (following your lead) is somewhat new to him and everything he is going through (he was diagnosed, but its been recent that it was gotten pretty bad) as well as it is very new to me, and i am doing everything in my power to learn as much as i can in in order to make his life a lil bit less stressful. I feel, as i read your post that you were talking specifically about my husband..you explained everything he does exactly! the only difference now is that YOU have expalined WHY he does the things he does as well..something he has not been able to explain to me at all.. and what to do in the case that we get into an argument...or need "alone" time.

Its weird because the other night me, my husband and his mom and brother were outside in the yard just spending time with our dogs and i could see that he was in a decent mood...he looked relaxed and he even had a smile on his face which made me so happy so i went to put my arm around him to hug him lightly to show him that everything is going to be ok and as i did that he stepped away from me..and he was never like that before and i simply just went back to where i was standing and didnt do anything about it... later on that night i asked why he had done that, if he was unconfortable with me and he told me he didnt remember moving away from me... so i let it go... i just thought to myslef how horrible is this?!! he doesnt realize what he did...he didnt even remember doing it...
All in all, i do want to try the code words..i feel its important because sometimes arguements go on for what seems like forever and yes we end up hurting each others feelings.

Firstly, when I have reached my threshold and cannot listen to whatever is being said anymore, it is usually because it is being repeated or too tentatively addressed. I need direct short and precise 'matter of fact' sentences, not beating around the bush, which starts winding me up towards hysteria when analogy and past events are discussed in a build up to the point. If I can't concentrate, get to the point

Ohhh and how can i almost forgot and this?! To me this is sooo important!! Keeping things simple!! i have been doing this all wrong. I do have the tendency to drag out conversations, and make a hundred different points, and say things 4-5 different ways when all i get is a blank stare. I do understand better now that you dont need that. I just wish he would have explained it like you just did...would have saved alot of time, energy, and heartache.
Thank you so much.
 
Yeah Jen,

I was talking about those with PTSD. How are you doing by the way?

Andrea,

Chicks to do that. We always talk in more than one way as it is not confusing for us generally (at least I have never found it to be so!) - consider it verbal multi-tasking. We women are very good at that. Unfortunately guys generally barely tolerate that and usually complain to their mates about it. Add PTSD and there is no tolerance for it, male or female. Funny, I can usually be straight up with those at work but always find it difficult with Anthony. I'm learning. Be careful not to change yourself so much to accomodate your husband that you end up bent out of shape and can't remember who Andrea is. He has to do some work too!! It is not so much about the spouses changing themselves as adopting strategies to cope with the PTSD and the challenges it brings. You might wonder how I know some of the 'bloke' stuff.......I have been working in a male dominated industry for 18 years and I listen. That doesn't mean I could ever really figure them out - they are such strange creatures.
 
Hi Kerri Anne
Im doing ok I do most of our business myself my husband does one day a week thats all he seems to be able to handle it is still hard to see him be so different and have no confidence like he used to years ago.
I have made an appointment for him to see Martha at the clinic next week now I have to make sure that he goes.
He still seems down but life has to go on doesnt it!
Thanks Jen
 
Hi Jen

Glad to hear your going ok & that your hubby has an appt next week. Good luck & my thoughts are with you.
 
Thanks Jods do you wonder sometimes why bother if they dont want to help themselves? I have just been talking to a friend about my husband and she asked what medication he was on I had a look he is taking so many different tablets for different problems. He seems like a zombie at times and that is not much fun to live with! We have to be so strong dont we?
Jen
 
Hi Jen
The main reason I bother with my hubby is because I love him too much to let him go & we have a 3yo plus his 2 girls (9&14). I know what you mean about the meds & them not being with it. It hurts like hell to see them so out of it & know that there is nothing we can do. I'm only strong because I see a psycologist every 6/8 wks just so I can get all the crap off my chest. I have also made sure that I have a positive network of friends & family to fall back on when I need it. But we are women & I think its just that maternal insticts that come out in us that want to make it better, but sometimes we just can't and we have to accept that.
Hope your having a great day!
 
Hi Jods I know exactly what you mean. You have a young family that would make it hard both my kids are in their twenties my son is in the RAAF so he is not at home my daughter is still at home but she works hard and I dont see a lot of her she is there if I need her for comfort she can see what her father is like.
I have friends I dont like to talk to them to much about him they know he has problems. I think I am embarrassed to get into it to much about him with them. I dont want people over as the house is always a mess my husband has so much crap everywhere. I work pretty hard so dont have a lot of socialising time but would be nice to have someone over for a barby every now and then like we used to. He has lost all his friends that seems to be his choice that he lost contact with them.
Thanks Jen
 
But we are women & I think its just that maternal insticts that come out in us that want to make it better, but sometimes we just can't and we have to accept that.

And that is it in a nutshell for women partners of those with PTSD. Its not even conditioning, its bloody instinct. Don't get me wrong, I think in someways the male supporters have it harder because blokes just don't get the emotional stuff as well as we do. On the other hand its hard for us because we care and we want to help but for the most part it is up to them. I used to take it straight to the heart as rejection when I would attempt to care for Anthony in some way and he wasn't interested. I sometimes still do but I am working on that as well.
 
This coming from someone with PTSD and who reguarly blows up at my husband. Your not making his life worse. Your what makes it better. Your what keeps him motivated to keep going. Hes not angry with you. He just angry he cant "fix" whats wrong with him. He's angry that the meds arent working. Hes angry that after all this, he still feels like hes going to loose it. When I get like this, the best thing to do is to relieve any added stressors and just be nice to me. Give me my space and wait for me to come around. The other day I completely lost it. My husband told me hed take care of the house and the baby and I could go lay down or go shoping or do something for me for a while. I was too stressed to to go out but I did go lay down for a few hours. When I woke up, the baby had her bath and was in the bed, the house was cleaned, and he greeted me with a hug. Im married to an angel. But coming from a womans point of view who is married to an Iraqi vet with PTSD. I know just how you feel. When David gets like that I want to fix everything and then when he wont let me I get ill and very persistent that if hed just "listen to me" everything would be okay. Its hard finding that medium. Good luck though. The only think I can tell you is to give him your unconditional love and support, but dont force it on him.
 
Hi Cdunny,
Thats really good advice.
Hopefully my husband and i will reach that point in the future..Where there is complete support and understanding. Im glad your husband is the way he is and is so helpful...i hope to be like that someday soon
 
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