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I Am So Confused....Mixed Up...Emotions All Over The Place.

Discussion in 'General' started by pandora, Sep 14, 2007.

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  1. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

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    OK...I am having a bad night again and I am trying to figure out logically what it is that is making me want to ball my eyes out...yet i don't feel this is a sad cry. I don't know how to explain it...not at all.

    I don't really feel sad, i feel really overwhelmed with emotions right now. i am mad...at the situation. I am fu**ing frustrated that I have a hard time trusting and letting anyone in. I am frustrated that I have to even explain these things to help myself understand them.

    I guess it is a good thing that I do feel angry...finally. i know i am not in denial...i was for a number of years and was a workaholic to cope.


    I know I need to really have a heart to heart with this man i have been seeing. He calls everyday..or we use the webcam. We have gone shopping...went for a drink.....and in the restaurant....my hands were shaking so bad (so totally humiliating to me) He kept asking me if i was OK ( I don't think i have ever had anyone ask me this and feel concerned. He also kept winking at me to almost give me the "You are safe" look. We talked quite a bit. Then...one of my Dads sisters sons came up to us and of course I jumped and made a loud noise ( because I was really shocked) thankfully we were leaving but by the time we got to the car my entire body was shaking like a leaf...but he kissed me and held me in the parking lot. he seems genuine...It is nice but so scary at the same time. i REALLY am not used to this type of treatment and as nice as it is and sounds I feel like i want to run...I am not dealing with the happy emotions? i don't know anymore. I feel so mixed up and confused right now.

    Yesterday was a really bad crying day and quite stressful with my son. i cried a lot...i have NEVER really cried in front of someone, let alone a man. he called and I could not answer the phone at that time. i couldn't speak. So...i asked him last night after I told him i had a bad day....(now this is huge for me...I NEVER admit bad days, i hide them.....but i told him and i also asked him if it would anger him ( he was very surprised by this) We actually joked because he really is not this type of person....I see that in him. Then he said maybe you should have anwered it and i could have helped you. LIke..WTF.How can such a nice comment just about throw me over the edge. Someone wants to help me. Those words seem unfamiliar. how do i let him help me when i am so used to dealing with this on my own with little supports. it feels funny but it feels good. I am happy about it but all i can feel is intense emotion. I don't want to get hurt again as well. I am so confused right now....I feel like I want to scream.
     
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  3. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Pandora,

    One of the things that you will learn on your journey to healing is that anything can throw us for a loop. Because we have suppressed feeling much of anything for so long, our own feelings are even foreign to us.

    Having someone treat you normal or nice just brings up all sorts of thinking and feelings.

    Why are they being nice to me?
    Why would they want to?
    What do they want?

    I could go on and on with the questions but I think that you get the picture. The questions themselves cause us to get confused, and ask more questions. Vicious cycle.

    Asking for help is very hard for us, we have always had to be independent. We have had to be our own support system. We used our own coping skills. Most of the things we have done to get by, were not healthy.

    Asking for some support is and can be a good thing. It doesn't mean that you should hand over all control. You are only asking for some moral support, a shoulder to lean on.

    Come here ask for help, support, advice, or to just calm down. When you get a little more comfortable with asking for help, then maybe you can start asking your friend.

    You know that the answers to getting healthy, are in your past. In order to get there you have to go back..

    You're doing great, and I think you are just thinking to much of the what if's in this new relationship.

    Hang in there hon, you're doing great......

    Wen
     
  4. Awakening

    Awakening Well-Known Member

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    Oh I can so relate to your post, in as far as seeing your mind is racing and you have all the jumpy emotions.

    BREATHE. In and out, deep long breaths. Sit silently if you can and let the voices of all the emotions settle a little. Remember, they are just feelings. You are safe. You are safe. Look around where you are, look outside yourself. What's in the room, what's on the wall. Then back to yourself your feet are firmly on the floor, you are okay.

    You seem to have contradicting feelings/thoughts from the above post. Don't answer the phone, leave me alone vs being touched by the offer of help. You also seem to want to become even closer yet at the same time what to run away from fear of getting hurt again. No wonder you feel all over the place right now.

    And then there is the anger & frustration.

    Now this may be of no help at all, but something I do when this is all jumping around is grab a piece of paper and write it down. Sometimes my head is so scrambled I couldn't even write a straight sentence. So I just make a mark, any mark, scribble on the page. Sometimes that then turns into words like a feeling - angry, or something apparently random - garden. Sometimes I will time myself and say you have 20 minutes (whatever seems appropriate) to get this all out. Sometimes its a combination of scribbles, drawing, words, and sometimes towards the end I get a sentence.

    Sometimes I even the rip the f-er up!!! Then I grab a magazine and tear out all the pages, or make balls out of them and throw them all round. It helps me feel like I'm releasing some of the thoughts, emotions and getting it out of me.

    After my time is up, I make myself stop thinking no matter what (hard I know). Usually I tell myself that after the time, I will - go for a walk, do a household chore. Some people suggest taking a bath or a relaxing thing but for me I first need a distraction that requires me to think of something else other then what's going on in my own head.

    Also, feeling vulnerable is okay (or so my therapist keeps telling me). Apparently it's part of being human. So don't beat yourself up for it, it's part of being alive.
     
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