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I am So Fedup With Treatment

Discussion in 'General' started by ptsd_cracker, Sep 4, 2007.

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  1. ptsd_cracker

    ptsd_cracker Member

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    I am so sick and tired of everything. :fight:That's me and I just want to stay down for the count. I have spent $1000's if not $10,000 on therapy, medications, books and treatment. 6 hours a month in therapy for a 1 1/2 yrs. Yes I could have gone on a trip or partied with my friends but no I have wasted it on trying to get better. Now I'm so screwed I don't know what to do anymore. I have no $$ and only one friend left. The family has left me out in the cold:brrr: and could really care less as long as I don't make them look bad. I really think I may be going crazy because the hospital is looking good. A bed, a roof, and food.

    My therapists have all seem me :smoking: and now they just say go ahead because none of the pills have worked. Congratulations they figured out something i knew 10 yrs ago but that's not even helping me anymore. I feel like :crazy:.

    Now they are telling me that hypnosis might work if I'm able to relax enough. My body has not relaxed in almost 2 yrs. Heck my body can override sedatives and sleeping pills no problem. 7 days without sleep is nothing for me.

    So do I just give up on treatment and save the $500 per month and put it to something more useful.:smoking:
     
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  3. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Ok, now that we have that out in the open.....Exactly what are you fed up with??? Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, flashbacks, ect.....What is stopping you from moving forward???? What is getting in the way??? What haven't you faced yet??? What part in all of this do you own????

    Seems like for someone to spend that much time in therapy and to get no where.......Well something just doesn't smell right.

    So is it possible that you aren't being totaly honest with yourself?? Are you giving 150% to your healing????

    Smoking pot may be helpful for calming you down, but I wonder if at a certain point that you are hiding behind it, using it as a crutch maybe?????

    Just a bunch of questions. Some that I had to ask myself at one point. When I really gave it some thought, and some honest answers..... I began to heal.

    Wendy
     
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    If you have been in therapy for 10 years with still no avail, I would say give it up, yes. Why? Because you haven't been open and honest with your therapist yet. All you do is go there, tell yourself your in therapy, but don't tell your therapist every aspect of your trauma / feelings, which is what they need to know in order to truely help you. You cannot help a person that refuses to be helped, knowingly or not.
     
  5. ptsd_cracker

    ptsd_cracker Member

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    Thank you to those who need to criticize me for being frustrated in this process.

    First off I don't want to :smoking: I do it because I don't want it to be a habit and that's why I went into therapy to start with.

    Secondly, yes everything is bugging me, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the vomiting, the panic attacks, the crying spells,and the fact that I have received no answers or explanations as to why I got the wrong treatment for 1yr. Also the fact that I have to sell my house to continue to afford treatment.

    Thirdly I haven't been in treatment for 10 yrs. I'm only coming up on 2 yrs. and the first 1yrs worth of treatment was inappropriate.

    Fourthly all 4 professionals that have worked with me have all stated that they wish all their patients applied themselves or had the same determination.

    Fifthly, I came here to get some support, understanding and friendship. Thank you to those who need to criticize me for being frustrated in this process.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Sorry about the 10 years, my mistake. The year and a bit you have been in therapy though, if you are working hard then why are you still having the symptomatic breakdown now? That is my point to you. I am not here to criticise you, I am here to help you. Denial is a wonderful thing, we all think we're working hard on ourselves until we really break down under symptoms, then we know we have only been lying to ourselves.

    If the right things were being said in therapy, you would not be having such drastic symptoms one and half years on. It is not me asking whether I should attend therapy, it is you. That means you obviously have concerns about it yourself, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question you are. I don't have therapy any more as I no longer require it or visits to the doctors as long as I manage myself and work through my thoughts and feelings. I do that in my way, each is unique and different.

    Tell me what you have accomplished in therapy thus far please! What have you spoken about and what have you adopted from your therapy into your lifestyle thus far?
     
  7. nobody

    nobody Active Member

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    hello ptsd_cracker

    i understand you are frustrated but give these people a chance. they are not being critical of you. they really just want to help you.
     
  8. ptsd_cracker

    ptsd_cracker Member

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    "Why am I having such a symptomatic breakdown now?" Could it be that my therapist tried to molest me... could it be that I have had 6 traumatic situations in the past year.

    "Tell me what you have accomplished in therapy thus far please! What have you spoken about and what have you adopted from your therapy into your lifestyle thus far?"

    I have accomplished not killing myself and being to leave my house for short periods of time. I have done exposure therapy, cbt, memory re-framing, medication, abuse treatment center, yoga, meditation, body work , filing complaints, MMPI test and just plain old talk therapy. I will be trying hypnosis within the week.

    I meditate, do yoga and exercise on a twice daily basis ( I have done this for 10 yrs). I eat very well balanced diet void of processed foods, caffeine, etc. I eat foods high in B vitamins. I try to maintain a schedule for sleeping times whether I sleep or not. I have been extremely compliant with all medications given, even when it has caused me serious side effects requiring emergency treatment. I have educated myself on my condition and have attained a fluid understand of the effects and treatment equal to any doctors knowledge.

    I have been extremely graphic in uncovering what I have experienced, my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions to the point that all 4 doctors have broken in tears. All 4 agree that I have had to have been dealing with a psychopath. All 4 don't understand why I haven't killed myself yet and why I don't want to. 2 out of the 4 agree that the treatment I received including the forced hospitalization should have never happened, that I was traumatized and it worsened my condition. The other 2 doctors have had complaints filed against them. What am I suppose to be discussing in therapy? What are the right things?

    I was once like you. I could manage my symptoms on my own for many years. I have a high paying job at a bank, I have a house that is 2 yrs from being paid off, my car is paid for and I use to volunteer 20 hours a week.

    How did you get ptsd? What type of trauma did you deal with? How many years have you been in therapy and how long did it take to get your symptoms under control?
     
  9. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Cracker,

    You sound very very angry right now. That's okay, just recognize your anger. I'd be pissed off too if I had those therapy experiences. I do know of others on here with similar issues surrounding therapy.

    Now therapy takes time. One year of correct therapy is just starting (according to how MOST therapists work... even the ones that specialize in our disorder) so try not to get too discouraged. I know it's a frustrating process especially when you don't trust them.

    Remember that therapy can only go as fast or slow as you can and that only you can apply what you learn there.

    Also, being on the forum, at first, can be very triggering and can be tough to handle sometimes. It's taken me a long time to learn to just walk away for a bit (and I still don't do so great at it.)

    Have you read anything in the information forums? Have you read about our trauma section and how it works?

    Anthony's story is kicking around the forum somewhere, so is mine, so is most people's. You just have to run a search of our names and look for threads that we've made and you will find it.

    Your doing well. Remember to look for your positives. Your still alive, you've learned lot's of techniques, your still trying to heal and you learning to trust a therapist. Also you came here and are reaching out! All very positive.

    bec
     
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  10. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    PTSD,

    Bec gave you some really good advice....Also with the fact that your therapist tried to molest you, and the other 6 traumas that you have had in the last year...These add to it, and need to be dealt with separately also. They are enough to set you back some.

    You have self awareness and are taking care of yourself pretty good. Give the forum a chance. See if Anthony and the others can help you out some. Maybe you will get your life on track again.

    Wendy
     
  11. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    What originally put you back into therapy? Were you in therapy to learn how to manage symptoms the first time? Relapse sucks and that seems to be where you are right now. But you did it once and no reason you cannot do it again.

    I say stick with the therapy. I did lose my farm, it was a beautiful place. I loved my farm and all my animals (had over 200). I had my last baby at home there. It was truly a very special place to me. I have been renting in Kansas now since December. I know how scary losing your home is and in itself enough to make you sick all over.

    Retirement... What retirement? Yep, lost that too. Therapy and hospitals. Almost a grand every time I got hauled into the hospital. 3 or 400 bucks a pop for ambulance service in the real bad times. No insurance did that for me. But luckily I am not miserably in debt with the doctors. Just what I still owe on my home. My home ended up being worth half of what it was a month after I bought it, they found an illegal toxic dump site next to my farm. I could not even pay anyone to move there! Come to think of it that might have been a major reason I finally had my final "good" breakdown (just dawned on me!)

    So point being I can relate to that. But I am so grateful I did not give up on therapy even if I got damn close. I almost started smoking too. But I found my way out without doing it. I don't need it now. Even came off all my medications now and I was given lots for years of all kind.

    I suffered and functioned for many years with this too. Eventually I could not work or function very well. It hurt and I was angry. Then everything collapsed big time.

    Now I am doing OK. I can't work but I won't try to push myself to another breakdown. I slowly take on new things very little at a time. Bank is empty and we live check to check now. But I feel fine about that now. I believe as I get better so will that.

    See you are opening up and giving us so much info now we have can start getting a good idea where to help and let you know you are not alone. Because what you are going through right now we have all experienced at least some part of. Even with the therapist, you are not the first to have a care giver do something to them. We understand what you are going through.
     
  12. ptsd_cracker

    ptsd_cracker Member

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    The first time I experienced these symptoms was 10+yrs ago but I was undiagnosed. I also didn't have the flashbacks but I did have the nightmares and insomnia, etc. It also wasn't even close to as severe as it is now. I somehow was just able to adapt back then.

    I went into therapy this time because I knew after the torture and murder attempt (almost 2 yrs ago) I would need help dealing with it. But it's been mostly downhill since then with a slight up turn in the last 4 +months.
     
  13. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Then you are like many here. Most of the forum is people who had it for years and functioned until the "big one" came. I am so sorry treatment was delayed until then. Something I learned and will just toss this out, flashbacks are not always reliving as in hallucinations. You can just "shut down" from a situation causing you to emotionally be there again. Again, just tossing it out since I do not know how much you have learned about this yet.

    If you were not diagnosed yet you were not managing symptoms yet, you were covering them up. Yes, there is a difference. We can be so skilled and adapt to the symptoms that we can function. We are stuffing it down deep in us. Covering it up. Just like a litter box (OK, bad but accurate comparison). Eventually all that shit is going to overflow like you experienced. That is when the bad of the bad comes out and we have no choice but to heal as we can no longer stuff it in. It will fight its way out and show as uncontrolled PTSD. Exactly why you saw a doctor.

    The downward spiral can last a long time so I don't think what you are describing there is off either. But the slight up is still up!

    The good part of healing and working through issues is eventually you get to a point you hashed out about everything in you. Got to the root of every emotional pain you have. The symptoms just sort of lift away and stay away as long as you do not try to take on too many stressors at once. You can maintain feeling pretty good and slowly ease yourself back into life. You will learn when you need a break and subtle signs of when to push through the pain for a better end.

    You will hurt here no doubt but so many here can light the path for you as many of us have walked a ways down it. Hope are ready for a journey!
     
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