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I Cannot Understand Why I Avoid My Own Father?

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Jacuzzi6452

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As a child I think I have 2 memories of my parents together right before they separated. I can't begin to make any sort of sense or timeline of my childhood, but all I know is that my mother moved me and my other 3 siblings far away and we were raised with her and (now husband) boyfriend. My father and I would chat on the phone every so often and for whatever reason I never wanted to talk to him on the phone. I didn't and enjoy and the only reason I did talk to him was to make him feel happy and like he mattered. I never wanted to chat with him mainly because of what we would talk about. He made me sad to be around. He was so far from us and I saw him seldom and he was always just very depressing to talk to. Then, I grew up with a stepfather who was anything but nice to me. When he was nice it made me quite uncomfortable to the point that I didn't want to be around him. Now, for whatever reason I try to keep myself as far as possible from my stepfather. We have no relationship whatsoever and my mother resents me for it. As for my real father, we don't talk at all. He made me feel quite guilty for never moving in with him when I was growing up and after some time, we just stopped talking. I believe he wants a relationship again because of what my cousin told me. I think he's just quote on quote "waiting for me to call." People keep saying I should but I'm so far along in my life now (21 years old) going backwards would be far too difficult & painful for me to rehash with him. I want to be clear when i say I do not hate him. I don't fear him. I just have no desire to have a relationship with him. Is it odd to feel this way about your father? Sometimes I wonder if I avoid him for some subconscious reasoning I have yet to understand.
 
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