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I Cease To Care But Really It's Just Panic

Discussion in 'Anxiety, Panic & Hypervigilance' started by becvan, Mar 1, 2007.

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  1. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    well I think the title sums it all up. My panic attacks are through the roof. having them about every five minutes... all day all night.. not just plain old anxiety.. no no.. it has to be full blown panic attacks.. pffft.. found out that zoloft withdrawals include both dizzyness and this zappy feeling, which I have nicnamed the zaps. I have both of them. Both these feelings make me panic. The feeling increases I panic more. Plus I'm so freaked out about having another seizure that every time I get dizzy or the zap I think i'm going to have another seizure and die and the panic REALLY hits. it has not been good lately.

    Been trying to keep functioning.. forcing myself to talk to people on the phone, do an errand here or there.. and I'm so done. I'm done done done. NO MORE. I just can't do it. I was woken up this morning by my dad bitching at me, and two really BAD letters in the mail. That was the start of my day and it's just gone downhill from there. Add the panic and withdrawals on top of it with no relief in sight.. and you get.. I DON"T CARE.

    That's right folks, the I DON'T CARE attitude which really means I do so but please f'k off cause I just can't deal with it anymore.

    Hell I'm not even sure what the point of this thread is other than I hate zoloft, I hate panic, and I DON'T CARE.

    :wall: :dontknow:

    bec
     
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  3. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    That damn Zoloft. Very sorry bec. Any time frame for when the crap will be completely out of your system? Can't say I've ever had panic, but I see it in front of me quite frequently. Try to hang in there.

    Jim.
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Most I know of for time frame is from someone else with a high tolerance to drugs which was four weeks.. i have a very very low tolerance.. so probably double that.. I had to cold turkey off of it as of Feb. 17th.. so um.. April if I'm really freaking lucky...

    yeah it's not pretty is it? I'm one of those lucky ones that can hide it really well. so other than getting agitated.. you can't tell what's happening.. then as soon as i'm alone or with matt.. i just lose it.. i'm afraid of showing others it.. too much judgement for me.. LOL mind you my own family is unaware that I have amnesia.. LOL i'm a hell of an actress...


    bec
     
  5. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    April?? That is truly terrible bec. Wish I knew how to help. Evie is sleeping currently, but can almost hear her shouting DON'T TRY TO FIX IT UNCLE!! Truly though, that is a long time, I feel for your situation. Suppose the bloody doctors never informed you of the risks either.

    You can hide it eh? Didn't know that was possible! Evie, bless her, is definitely not subtle. More of an open book really. Must be difficult for you, needing to hide things. Especially from family! Give them a kick in the pants from me!

    Jim.
     
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Bec, just remember it will be a brief ride. You are doing so well even if you do not think so. Coming off that shit is pure hell. I wish I could be more online tonight buy my computer is so fried I am on hubs and running battery down right now. So my time is limited...

    The fck it and I do not give a fck attitude is very very normal. Just try the meditation site I referred you to. It will annoy the shit out of you right now or help.

    The symptoms are hard, I still go through it. I know what you feel. Just give the time to get the zoloft out and when it is you will stabilize. You will feel worlds better in a matter of days when it happens. It is actually already happening for you, it is just you had such an energy surge coming off you walked Cougie for 3 hours! Feeling the pain from that and being ill, plus stress... You need to remember this is OK. Face it hard and challenge it, I know you can. You have it in you. Face it head on and say make it as bad as you want and then say fck it. It will ease. Totally letting go and going into the symptoms will let it ease. Right now so much is on your plate you are fighting it.

    I am here for ya so just give a shout. This computer is about to die so must sign off... Sorry if I rambled I just get it.
     
  7. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    i wish i could do something to help you bec, you have helped me so very much. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    cathy
     
  8. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Thanks guys.. new symptom hit. uncontrollable crying.. oh joy... must be something happening.. cause I can't stop.

    I stopped fighting it after posting this thread.. just thought f'k it.. the only way it's going to get worse is death.. that's when the crying hit.. still have the zaps and panic and dizziness and will get the joys of eyes puffed shut tomorrow.. but I'm thinking these stupid tears are probably good for me. I feel less like i'm going to explode/implode or crawl out of my skin and more calm... LOL despite the fact that i have tears pooring down my cheeks.. yeah that makes sense.

    Sorry V: no cam tonight.. i just can't do it. I need to cry in hiding. I can admit it.. but showing it is a whole nother ball game that I'm not ready for..

    If this is good.. I don't want to see bad.. at all.. but thanks for the boost.. I need it as I feel f'king usless as it gets right now..

    Funny thing .. I can't sleep unless I listen to Pink Floyd the wall for some reason.. it's the only thing calming me down enough to sleep.. so I had to go and buy a boombox (whatever the hell they are called now) as matt took mine (music helps him sleep too so i can't take his away as it's keeping his panic attacks and nightmares in check) and I need to listen to it.. no idea where that came from or why it's working but I'll take it.

    At least I can stand being in my own skin.. felt like tha for the last half hour.. first time in days and it was getting totally unbearable..

    *hugs* to all of you.. thanks for being here for me.. it means worlds to me

    bec
     
  9. Linda

    Linda Well-Known Member

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    I unfortunatelly can't help any better than thinking of your...
    But you are fighting for so long time, that really looks like this is another bad period in the process, so then it will be improvemnt.
    My thoughts are with you.
    Linda
     
  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    When the swelling goes down and you can read...

    You saying to hell with it and going into it and crying is what you needed. I hope it gave you some emotional relief. And I am happy to hear you got the little boom box! Listen to what ever takes you there, what works just works and all that matters.

    You sound like with the crying you may be hitting or getting close to hitting a depressive stage which is normal too, you may feel upset. If you get like this don't forget the self talk. I know the crying really screws up your eyes but if you can and your body wants to let it out I would say let it. Crying is not a skill mastered yet here. (I teared up over a baby commercial yesterday and I only used to do that when pregs so no clue what happened there LOL)

    I know what I should be saying, I know how this should be handled, I know all the "rights"... But I feel like such an ass and hypocrite today trying to give advice. I am having a slip up day. But I did go through the phase you are right now. It does and will get better. I was lucky enough not to get the zaps though. But you are doing this right, just remember that and go into the emotions and allow yourself to mourn and grieve even if you are not sure why you are (your subconscious does), go into the panic, tell it to kill you, challenge it to. Know full well when you really go into it that way the symptoms will ease. Not 100% of the time but a good chunk of it will work. I know you are scared of the seizures too. But you are no longer on the meds that caused it, so challenge it too. Easier said than done but when you get so fed up with the symptoms you will hit the phase you will face this fear. Because it will get intense enough you don't give a shit anymore. I think my fear of dying was just so often that I decided please kill me with this, come on do it! Then it was like walking through a paper wall. Relief. My symptoms faded and it was weird. I can still do this most of the time but not always. But it is a very useful tool to have once you learn to use it.
     
  11. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I feel much better today. I cried my eyes out until 7 am this morning. I finally took an Ativan and slept all day long. My eyes are puffy but not as bad as usual. I feel better for crying my eyes out. Have no idea why I cried.. but it calmed me down lots.

    Still panicking but I no longer care. That bring it on attitude does wonders. I'm like it's either going to kill me or I'm going to live through it.. so who cares. Not fighting them is making a hell of a difference. Still have all of it.. just feel much calmer about it now. I swear the crying did it.

    Thanks for the help and support. Yes I have to keep up with the self-talk. That seems to be the key to surviving this bad.. mountains.. in the road.

    Bec
     
  12. slhlilbit

    slhlilbit Active Member

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    I know how you feel and there are when i feel the same way.
    comming off the meds is hard enough , dealing with family is hard too. You need some stress free time. I hope you feel better soon.
     
  13. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Hello becvan,

    Glad to hear its a little better. Gosh, thats a little scarry sounding. I think someday, if this crazy world lasts that long we'll look back at all these med concocktions and say, What the heck was that?! We'll probably have some weird little nannobot to swallow that will zap our brains with electricity or something like on the TV show Star Gate. Then again may be not. Nothins' ever that easy! I'm on Ye Ol' Paxil. They say its a roughy to get off of too. I wonder sometimes how these drug companies get by with saying these drugs aren't adictive! Whats up with that?! I guess if you're rollin in the bucks you can get by with just about anything! Oops! I'm a soundin' like a dog gone telle vangelist preachin' like that! Ah heck! Its the truth though! But I recon this is probably not helping you to feel any better! Just let me know if the Zoloft makes you grow a third eye. If it does, I'll paint one on my head and we can be twins! Any way, I think you have a great attitude about it. Hang in there and take gentle care of yourself.
    LUV & CARE
    Marilyn
     
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