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Relationship I Don't Know How To Cope

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ShanaK

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HI,

I am new to this site and not really sure what im doing yet in navigating it! My husband and I have been married for 17 years. A year ago he was officially diagnosed with PTSD by the VA.

He is a completely different person from the man I married. We had a very loving, close, intimate, tight knit relationship and with our 3 boys as well. He and I were best friends. We did everything together and planned things we were going to do together in the future. He was always so affectionate, attentive and loving. Everyday.

Our lives are completely turned upside down now and it feels like we are in the Twilight Zone. He no longer feels emotion or shows it. He pretty much feels like a zombie or is miserable. He doesn't want to do anything really. He goes through the motions with his job and what he has to do but that is it.

We have absolutely no relationship at all anymore. We don't talk much, we don't laugh, we don't spend time together. I don't know what to do. I try and try but sometimes I feel like a nervous breakdown is just around the corner. He has lost his quality of life and I have lost my husband and best friend but still live with him.

I am not willing to let him go but I don't know how to cope and is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel? My boys are teenagers and are aware of what their daddy is going through and why. I felt it important to tell them so they can do what they can to help and to pray for him.

Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I do get out and do things for myself and my boys but it doesn't really make me feel any better.
 
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@ShanaK ,

Can't imagine what you and your family are going through. Must be a very hard time for all of you. PTSD is soulcrushing. Please know that it is not your fault that your husband is feeling that way. I know it feels like it but it's not. He needs to find understanding for himself... Be it therapy, self-exploration or even medication. It's not going to magically become better one day. You and him need all the support you can get. You are probably feeling angry, insecure, unsafe and unwanted. Try to talk to him if you think that will lead you to a better place. Remember, that you are not the fixer and sometimes your efforts won't matter until he is ready to step up for himself
Is he in therapy? How long had he been like this?
 
@ShanaK ,

Can't imagine what you and your family are going through. Must be a very...
He has been in the state he is in for about 6 months. He is currently taking Welbutrin...I believe 300mg. We have talked several times and he just feels worse because he knows I am hurting but he cant help it or make himself care a lot. I would like for him to go to a therapist outside the VA but he doesn't want to talk about it more than once a month. He is also scared to try any other medication and I don't necessarily think the Welbutrin is doing him much good unless he would be really really bad without it.
 
That's a long time. Right now, you have a partner who can't be there for you. I'd suggest seeking counseling for yourself to be able to cope and remain strong through this. What happened 6 months ago? Do you think something caused this or it was out of blue?
 
I really agree with the recommendation for counseling. This is huge stuff to be going through and everyone needs support from time to time. It's not because there is anything wrong with you but that a counselor might be able to help you figure out ways to cope with everything and be an even stronger presence for your boys, your husband, and most of all, for yourself.

:hug:s to you if you accept them
 
He has had signs and symptoms for the past 20 years and was unofficially diagnosed that long ago by his Coast Guard doctor. He spent 6 years in the Coast Guard and was a rescue swimmer and worked drug interdiction on narcotic teams. Some pretty horrible stuff happened and his PTSD is a culmination of several traumatic events. His therapist told him she was really surprised he has held himself together as well as he has for so long but that it was only a matter of time before it came out full fledged.
 
His therapist told him she was really surprised he has held himself together as well as he has for so long

My therapist said the same thing as well as being very suprised how functional I was and still am. It takes a lot of strength to push it away, compartmentalize, and numb certian parts away.

I would state the obvious, that more therapy is necessary, fully necessary. I know he doesnt want to and its because you have to allow yourself to feel the pain all over again and feel what you tried so hard to numb away, but its so important to get better. I see my therapist weekly.

Also it doesnt sound like Welbutin is helping much? Just from reading. Id say he would maybe want to try a few types of meds. Ive got one for anxiety and right now trying out one that is supposed to level off my emotions some, give me some middle ground with them. It seems to be helping a little bit but i havent updosed yet.

For you, regardless of what he does, some therapy for you will most certianly help and the more you take care of you, the more and better support he will get, and your mental health is very important to!

Thank you for being there for him! Most dont want to "put up with so many issues". So thank you for that!

Welcome to the forum and if nothing else, you will get some great support by great people on here!
 
I am definitely going to try to get him to go to more therapy. While I am thankful for the VA and all their resources to him I don't feel like the therapist is helping a whole lot...I don't know mabe it takes awhile to get into.

He is scared of what more meds will do to him. He is a cop so he won't take some things she has suggested because he says he arrests people on the streets with some of that stuff so Welbutrin is the only one he has tried.

He is the best man I have ever known and I would never want to love anyone else. We have built a life together and I refuse to let PTSD tear it all down. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when I barely make it through or Im just a mess. I want him to have his life back. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel joy, excitement, love, peace.

It is heartbreaking what PTSD does to veterans. Anyone really but I can only relate to what I've seen it do to him. He was so proud of his accomplishments in the Coast Guard. He has several medals, letters of commondations, and is in history with his ship as making the biggest drug bust in Coast Guard history. We still have the VCR tape in the closet of the news footage of him on that ship as it was burning down around him pulling out drugs.

Now he feels everything he did ruined his life. It kills me that something extraordinary that he did and should be proud of has turned into what in his mind has ruined him.
 
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I would leave getting more therapy up to him and his therapist. You could consider asking to have a join therapy session or going to couples counseling...

But at the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is you.

Right now, you need support and probably some counseling for you to shore yourself up to get through this, and I think arranging that support is probably one of the most important things you can do right now.

Sometimes, if someone on the "edge of a nervous breakdown" and who is otherwise filled with their own legitimate and reasonable anxiety about a situation pushes for more counseling for a PTSD a sufferer without their own support, the situation can self destruct faster.

Instead get support for you first, then talk to him about what you need in the relationship and your concerns regarding a need for more help for him. The less anxious and more calm of a place it comes from, the better someone else can hear it and take it in and not react back. Otherwise he will likely push away your request for him to get more therapy and you away even more.

Even if he gets more therapy, he is likely to struggle for an extended period of time. He may get worse before he gets better - this commonly happens in therapy for PTSD.

So even if he gets the higher level of help he needs, this is going to be a long haul situation and the sooner you get support of your own, the better.
 
I would leave getting more therapy up to him and his therapist. You could consider asking to have a j...
I know I definitely need to go to counseling. I try and try to make being at home not stressful for him and I try to hide how I am feeling a lot because he doesn't like to talk about it but we have been married for 17 years. He can tell just as sure as the sky is blue. I am looking at some counselors and I am also talking to a few really good friends who I have told about it. They help a lot as far as mellowing out any frustration and anger I may be feeling at the moment (anger towards the situation..not my husband) but I definitely need help coping and they can't do that because they cant relate.
 
Do you think that they get worse while in therapy because talking about things makes them retreat from themselves?

For me, and for most, it gets worse before it gets better.

@ShanaK i totally get "i arrest people that sell and take Xanax" for example but there is a HUGE difference in taking something when and as prescribed only (and for Benzos, only when needed) than to sell it and take it from the street and thats coming from someone that cannot stand pills.

The one im trying out now is seroquel (more for BPD) but though its an anti-psycotic (as is Abilify but you see that on tv for depression) its prescribed in low doses for all sorts of stuff; depression, anxiety, emotional deregulation etc. And he can voice his concern of taking meds and becoming addicted etc to his Dr and the him & the Dr can watch out for signs of physical dependance.

I agree that id establish some support and counseling for yourself and build yourself back up first. You need to take care of you but also the more you do the better support you can be as well.

You are awesome to have hung in there! It takes a strong and wonderful person to! :hug:
 
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