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I don't know if my friend is crossing boundaries or is legitimately trying to help me

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Iyllsa, Jun 4, 2017.

  1. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    My friend has noticed that I've been getting worse and feels really close to wanting to call an ambulance. I don't blame her and I am well aware that talking to her about this stuff is not correct. I don't want to, but she insists and I get so desperate to talk about it somewhere that I end up impulsively talking to her. Sometimes I wish I didn't because, although I know she cares, she reacts in ways that makes me feel bad or I'll think she's really upset. I know it stresses her out and she can't handle any more of it, yet she insists I talk to her so I don't know what to do.

    She's trying to force me into making the steps toward recovery. She knows that I'll feel too uncomfortable or nervous to do it myself, but she'll say that if I don't she'll be disappointed or she'll call an ambulance and they'll force me to take all these steps.

    It's not that I don't want to. I do want to get better. I'm so close to getting these different treatments and I'm so close to possibly getting medication and evaluated again by a specialist. It really feels like the ball is rolling, but so slowly and it feels like I have difficulty continuing its momentum, and my friend knows and sees this, so she's "putting my ass to the fire" as she would say and really hammering down.

    An example would be that right now she wants me to write a letter to my therapist and demand I get a recommendation letter and help me make an appointment in a given time otherwise I'll stop going to my therapist.

    My friend says my therapist is bad because she's ignoring my suicidal thoughts and expressions as well as other things that I don't feel ready to explain on here. It feels like my therapist shuts down any suggestions or questions I have by saying, "It's normal considering what you've been through," but won't actually help me figure it out or try to manage it. I don't care if it's "normal" for me. I want help for it which is why I bothered to tell her about it..

    To me, it feels like this is going to be very helpful, but at the same time very damaging to her. It's like she's trying to put all of this weight on herself and she can't handle it all, and it'll be my fault if it crushes her or if I don't do anything. I feel so lost and confused.

    She's told me to live for her and then to not live for her. She's told me to rely on her, but then pushes me away and encourages me to rely on other people. She tells me I need to try and talk to other people which I know is true, but it's difficult and I tell her this. I feel like such a toxic friend and I can't stop myself. I feel like I'll hurt her either way dead or alive.
     
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  3. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

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    In order to cross boundaries, you actually have to have them, first. It doesn't sound like you have -or have ever had?- any boundaries with this friend.
     
    tiredtexan, Fayne Jane and Deadman like this.
  4. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    You're probably right. I don't think I do and I guess that's a bad thing..? I mean, I trust her and she is both my best friend and my family really.. she's more than what I just type about on here. I know I only give the worst of it all on here, and I don't mean to, but she is more than what's being written about on here.
     
  5. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    Forgot to add, with other people there are huge boundaries. So much so, many don't even know my real name. very simple things, but I set the boundaries clear. With my friend, trust and all that was built over the years and slowly I let down my walls with her along with the boundaries. We're pretty close with each other and I'd probably never let anyone else be as close to me as her, or at least not for a long time as I think it would be weird, rare, and difficult to manage more than one really close friend. I don't think I'd ever find someone like her again.
     
  6. joeylittle

    joeylittle ˁ˚ᴥ˚ˀ All howl, no bite Administrator Generous $250+

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    What you describe is not a friendship. It's an enmeshed dysfunctional codependent relationship.

    Are you romantically involved with this person?

    What is their mental health diagnosis?

    Did you become obsessed with them right away, or did it develop over time?

    You've mentioned this letter of recommendation thing before. It literally does not make sense. Such a thing doesn't exist in the US, for a medical professional to write such a thing to another. So that part is just confusing.

    I mentioned in your other thread that I'd recommend seeking formal DBT therapy. You seem to need much more structure in your therapy than you are getting right now.
     
    tiredtexan, Fayne Jane and Deadman like this.
  7. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    The codependency still sits in the back of my mind. I'm still unsure of it, but something tells me you're right. Especially since I initially brought it up first in one of my first posts here.

    No, but many think so because of how close we are. We are really, really close... I won't go into detail, but to give an image the only thing we lack is the romantic feeling toward each other, really.

    No, definitely over time. Many people I don't bother thinking about or spending time thinking about them. I don't care for other people, but she offered me something I never had in my life and I opened up to her about so much stuff.. I guess that led to the obsession. I have OCD and I don't know if that plays a part, not to excuse my actions.


    I am unsure of it all, really. The therapist is the one that called it that and so I'm just calling it what she's calling it..

    I've thought about DBT and CBT. I've looked into it and thought about trying it on my own, but I know I wouldn't be able to stick to it. I don't handle change well and predictability and stability makes me comfortable. I think having some sort of therapist or coach that can keep me on track, who is not emotionally affected or connected by/to me, will help.
     
  8. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    As far as I know:

    ADHD
    Major Depression
    General Anxiety and Panic Disorder
    Sleep Apnea

    had a past of trichotillomania with head hair, but no longer.
     
  9. joeylittle

    joeylittle ˁ˚ᴥ˚ˀ All howl, no bite Administrator Generous $250+

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    That is exactly the point of a formal DBT program. You meet in a small group once a week, you see your individual therapist once a week, and you are instructed to use them for phone contact extensively. The homework is pretty structured. You won't specifically work on trauma - it's focused on dealing with your here and now. Creating stability. Improving emotional management.

    This is indicative of your problem. You don't even know what the letter is for. Yet you are willing to let your friend tell you that you need this letter and should deliver an ultimatum in order to get it.

    Forget this is about you and someone you know for a second. If it was another poster sharing this, would you think there was something wrong with that relationship?

    All the talk of "live for me"/"no, you need to live for yourself" points to a level of invented drama that is more the hallmark of a personality disorder, and you and your friend appear to be mutually enabling each other's penchant for dramatization by playing that 'game'.

    I'm not saying your depression isn't real. I am saying that you are getting some amount of pleasure or reward-feeling from this idea that you can live or die for another person. She is as well. It's really very dangerous behavior.

    Like @Friday suggested: there never were any boundaries to begin with. It's good that you are noticing this is a problem. I'd encourage you to take it seriously. Can you ask your therapist for a referral into a DBT program?
     
    Deadman likes this.
  10. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    Would it be a bad idea to bring up the possibility of the relationship being bad? I think that I may be the toxic friend out of the two of us.. She's well set up with supports and another close friend while also forming other good friends, while I'm not.

    I am the one that stresses her out with my issues and although I am trying to find help for it, I'm still struggling while my friend is currently working on it. I'm a hypocrite for encouraging her to continue with her treatment while i'm lagging.

    In a way I'm scared to because I know this can lead to us not being friends anymore, but I just want her to be happy and safe.. I know that's not a good mindset of me. I don't know what to do, but I want her to be safe and healthy. I know I should care for myself, but I can't focus on my wellbeing at the moment. I have no drive to get better for myself unless it's for some other reason.

    My friend is better off than me. She would do just fine in the absence of me while I feel like I wouldn't.

    I also have concerns about me having some personality disorder.. I don't want to go into detail as what it is that makes me think that because it's something that many would have a negative reaction to.. only my friend knows everything about me and how my mind works or how I see the world, and she's kind about it.
     
  11. Charleh

    Charleh Active Member

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    I had a friend like that. Had. If they can't respect your boundaries, give them one warning. Only one. Trust me. Believe it or not if a friend doesn't respect your boundaries, they aren't your friend. Simple as that. Every now and then you'll need a friend to kick your ass into gear, but that's not very often. Even then, that's a one time deal.

    Any friend I had, if I had to give them a good old fashioned compassionate kick in the ass (just giving a friend blunt advice in their crossroads) it was once, then I let them make their own choices. Anything past that is imposing your will upon others. The very definition of violence.
     
  12. Abigail7

    Abigail7 Guest

    This statement alone has the power to prevent any and all healing and moving forward.

    "I don't handle change well and predictability and stability makes me comfortable."

    PTSD treatment isn't about doing what makes us feel comfortable. If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you don't push yourself beyond your comfort zone, you will continue with old, bad, negative habits and you won't get better. It seems like this belief is also what's keeping you stuck in a codependent enmeshed relationship.

    Some of the most terrifying things are encountered during treatment, oftentimes in the form of processing trauma and exposure therapy.

    I hope you Understand that staying in your comfort zone is going to keep you stuck. Maybe it's not time for you to heal. Many people aren't ready to heal for years and years until they reach a breaking point, and that's ok. But just remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Finding a therapist who allows you to stay in your comfort zone may allow you to stabilize in the here and now, but won't provide long term healing.
     
  13. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

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    I tried telling her that I think I try to do another way of handling this by putting space and not relying on her, but she flat out refused that idea and got fairly upset. She's worried that I'll push people away and get worse than I already am, but I really want to try it. I don't want to upset her. I wish she wouldn't get so upset. She reminds me of my parents when they'd always swear and yell at me because I wasn't doing enough. She's suggesting I talk to support groups and these counselors online, which I'm not against, but I feel bad for upsetting her. I didn't mean to.

    Last night I had a bad anxiety attack and I didn't know what to do with myself so I ended up with a few bruises on my legs. I didn't want to rely on my main friend so I tried talking to another, who recently became very well bonded with my friend... they talk a lot now. I told him that I wanted to sleep and take sleeping pills, but I also wanted to be under some influence and at the moment wine was all I had. I was just musing myself, but I didn't make that clear to him so he went and quickly told my main friend who didn't see it until the morning. So of course she says I'm a liar when I tell her I didn't do anything because this other friend went and told her that I did something dangerous. We then spent my whole "waking up" with her swearing and getting upset and insisting she calls and me trying to explain that I didn't mean to upset her or cause this. She got frustrated because she tried telling me that she didn't think that, but I couldn't stop apologizing which I know is a big flaw of mine.

    I wanted to put space between her and, now, the other guy. I tried relying on someone else other than her, but it ended up back to her anyway. I should have known to not rely on someone related to her. I'm so stupid. I wanted to put space between her and I so that I can go back to keeping it all to myself and "secretly reach out." I wish I could go back to where she was oblivious to my health so that she wouldn't worry so much. I don't like stressing her out.
     
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