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General I f..ing hate my marine boyfriend' flaky behavior~ ptsd

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I dont get it anymore. It's been a year on and off. By now Im starting to loose interest and hope a little. I mean every girls story with their veterans relationship here sounds the same. Amazing guy, comes off strong, tells you all the sweet stories, empty promises, great sex, sweet connection. Its never going out anywhere tho or doing anything else besides chilling in his room, having sex when he finds time to meet, which due to his busy schedule is like once a month lately. ( we live in different cities) All the flakyness and canceled plans, gosh how many broken promises and not ever really been there for me or making time for our relationship. Broken up countless times, but always getting back together, bc he really tells me he loves me and he thinks we are meant to be together. ( He's 43/Im 36)
First I thought he was the biggest playboy, player and just full of shit. Trust me I called him out on beeing just a f*ckbuddy many times. But he always gets upset and tells me its so much more and that and he truly loves me. And the annoying part is when he looks at me with his deep blue eyes I really feel like he does, and maybe its just his untreated ptsd that keeps him from having a normal relationship. Maybe he's struggling and sad about it as well. I feel like deep down he really would like it to work, but he has too much pride to say he needs help and when he deals with his issues he needs to be alone in his man-gave, dissapears and isolates for days it's just all he knows. And maybe he does love me, bc by now if it was just a f*ck buddy thing, wouldnt he just call it what it is. I told him it's fine with me if that's all it is, since our chemistry is like no other. But he insists of telling me he really is in love with me and he never wants us to end and he just needs me to have patience. But boy, is he the man of views words. He messages me goodmorning here and there, we never talk on the phone anymore, we never see each other, only when he flies into my city he meets me for one night stand, but then keeps telling me he loves me. Im so f*cking confused and sick of this flaky shit, yet still holding on to some bs hope that maybe things will change and he does really need me. He's so f*cking handsome, what can I say. Im an idiot! Probably.
I just would like to hear from you men out there, with combat ptsd, is it possible you can be in love with a girl, need and want her, but your ptsd is holding you back from giving her the standard relationship what societies normal is. That all your constant anxiety, panic, depression, drinking, isolating, space needing, escaping for a while, traveling away often, hiding out, not talking about it, suffering in silence, keeping busy, avoiding conversations, running running and running from everything constantly...etc that you perhaps are embarrassed to admit you need help, but you have found this girl you're in love with and hope and wish and ask her to have patience with you, bc you secretly don't want to loose her. Is that possible for you guys or am I just blind and dealing with just a f*ckbuddy here and wearing blinders?
 
I used to think a bunch of this same stuff about my guy. I would question his motives. We are moving into 2 years and he doesn't want to call me his gf yet and needs to go suuuuupeeerr slllooowwwlyyy.

It took me a long time to realize I had to take him at his word. He can only do what he can do and I am ok with that finally. He asked me for patience. I think that says a lot and it means a lot to me that he asked me for that. It may be the same with your guy.

However, I am In a different place in my life and we don't live in different cities. That would be tough. I have the kids and career part sorted and I am personally not ready for a live in relationship myself after a divorce from a 16 year marriage.

You do need to decide if this is something you want to do for the long haul. You do not seem happy at all. It is super tough when you're starting out in a new relationship, believe me I get it.
 
@Chlowe Girl I’m here on this forum as a supporter for my wife with C-PTSD but your last paragraph brought up a very old memory that made me very sad for you. Your post could have been written by my first wife a very long time ago. You also wrote your boyfriend is not being treated for his PTSD and you want to hear from other combat veterans if it’s possible to love someone but the PTSD keeps them from giving that someone the love they deserve. I’m going to write my personal story, short version.

I am a VietNam combat veteran so that gives you an idea of how old I am today. I have since been diagnosed by the VA with PTSD but that was 25 years after I left the war. Great therapy, good meds, and a lot of time has mellowed me out and I manage fairly well today. When I got out of the war in 1972, I didn’t know I had PTSD and the VA and doctors were just beginning to understand what it was. We all got out, were hated by civilians who called us baby killers, and so we just got jobs and tried to assimilate into the general population.....never talking about what we did.

So I met my future first wife shortly after getting out and we married. For almost 20 years I put her through what what you described in your post. I acted like a first class ass with anger issues and drank to much. I didn’t know how to tell her why I was this way and, at the time, I don’t think I knew myself. I really did love this person but didn’t know how to show it.

My greatest regret in life is how I treated her. There was no malice in my heart. I had untreated PTSD at the time and she bore the brunt of my illness for a long time.

Are you being treated as an f-buddy or does he really love you and doesn’t know how to show it? I don’t know. Some men are ass hats with or without PTSD. That’s something only you can decide. But I can tell you that this young lady over 40 years ago was my first love and I truly loved her but my untreated PTSD kept me from showing her and treating her in the manner she deserved. It also kept me from really understanding why I would treat someone I loved the way I did.

I hope somehow my life experience a long time ago helps you today.
 
<untreated>

This is all you really need to know, as this is as good as it gets.

Remember, we aren’t responsible for what happened to us, but we ARE responsible for digging ourselves out of this hole and healing.

Your boyfriend has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to heal.
 
I just would like to hear from you men out there, with combat ptsd, is it possible you can be in love with a girl, need and want her, but your ptsd is holding you back from giving her the standard relationship what societies normal is.

Absoulty. Especially if untreated. But I am treated (not a man nor was I in combat but a PTSD sufferer nonetheless) and still would struggle while in the same city! There is no way I could hold a relationship in another city. No way. I struggle just to get out of the house to go to the store and get groceries and make as many weird things to eat as one can to avoid going to get more groceries just because I can't brave the store that day. If I had to drive to another city forget it. Even if they came to me everytime it would still be impossible to give the relationship the minium amount of attention. Long distance relationships and very hard in normal conditions. Add in PTSD (treated or not) and you are asking for trouble.

anxiety, panic, depression, drinking, isolating, space needing, escaping for a while, traveling away often, hiding out, not talking about it, suffering in silence, keeping busy, avoiding conversations, running running and running from everything constantly

All things even treated PTSDers go through. So, I'd ask, is this something you can continue doing for the long haul? Some of this gets better with treatment but it takes a long while of hard work and constant management and it does get worse, way worse many times, before it gets better. You need to ask yourself if you can set boundries but giving him the time and space he needs to get better and be ok with that. If he does get treatment. Also, why is he untreated? Is he refusing treatment? If so then there is your answer. I would want to know why he is untreated and then move from there but all of what you listed and more are all things I struggle with still today and I have been in therapy almost 9 years. Maybe a couples therapist can help here and I would recommend that to any PTSD relationship simply because PTSD is a huge stressor on a relationship and I would also advise you to seek out your own counseling. But you need to decide if this is something you can live with forever. I agree that you sound very unhappy and though PTSD can make the other unhappy very easily, in my opinion, you need to figure out a way to be happy in this relationship and not just be f*ckbuddies or call it quits. You deserve happiness. I am not sure why supporters tend to hold on so tight that they are willing to give up their entire happiness. That isn't right. But, you maybe able to find a place in this relationship where you feel content and happy. I am not saying it is hopeless but that your happiness is important.
 
@lostforgottensoul has some really really sound advice, and I also appreciated reading it. Thanks :)

If he's not showing any signs of wanting to make an improvement, things will be much more difficult for both of you. Read the article Anthony posted in the literature section of this site about PTSD relationships. If he is ready, he will try to make an effort. But even then, take baby steps. It is impossible to be impatient with a PTSD sufferer - does not help them - as frustrating as it is for a supporter. Speaking from experience as one who has come to this conclusion through time, self care and therapy. Both must be willing to work on this. Wishing you peace and ❤️
 
I just would like to hear from you men out there, with combat ptsd, is it possible you can be in love with a girl, need and want her, but your ptsd is holding you back from giving her the standard relationship what societies normal i
Chick with combatPTSD. Another jarhead, as it so happens.

Sounds to me like you two might want the same things, but need totally different things.
 
Wow @Friday you're a Marine? Respect! Army here and I don't think I could have made it through marine boot camp.

I was thinking about needs vs wants last night. Now in this case it is probably correct they need different things because @Chlowe Girl has said she wants (needs) babies and him, maybe not so much. And even if he did, there is not as much of a rush for him as there would be for her.

But sometimes we think we need things, when really they are only wants. For example, I used to think I needed a certain amount of contact and communication in my relationship, but i realized that is really only a want (desire).

Just a thought.
 
You want babies?

Please, for the health of your unborn children, move on.

A daddy with untreated ptsd? No no no. Do you hate your unborn children? (Sorry if that sounds rude, but children should not be put through the hell of having a parent with untreated ptsd.)
 
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