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Relationship I Feel Horrible...

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mikehoncho

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I met my wife two years ago. We work at the same company. I told my stepmom that I plan on taking her out for a date. My step mom called me to days later and told me that she "heard" that her, my now wife, tried to kill her self at some point.

I knew that my step mom was telling gossip. I also know that my stepmom has a tendency to gossip. That goes even for me as her step child. Being depressed at certain times in my life I wanted to give my now wife the benefit of the doubt.

We went out and it was wonderful. She's very nice. So many qualities that I wanted in a woman.I fell in love plain simple.

She would at times be sad though. I would have to worry about her. She told me a lot of things about her past, issues with abuse both while growing up and with previous relationships.she's give me plenty of reasons that a person like her but at some point be depressed.

Now we are married, and my wife knows that my stepmom once said that she tried to kill her self. My wife as a result does not trust my stepmomand often has trouble trusting people my family. Sometimes if I defend them she doesn't trust me.

I wife has a lot of reasons not to trust people. Feel like sometimes of letter down, especially with regard to my stepmom saying those things about her.i'm feeling like my family, though I love them, are not providing my wife with a safe place.

I also feel that I have problems with boundaries with my family. I have trouble saying no, and I often listen to their criticism to intently. I need therapy. My wife is been getting therapy as well for posttraumatic stress disorder. But I need therapy as well it's plain and clear.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for her. Tonight I came home and I talked about how my stepmom might not be feeling well enough for Christmas tomorrow. My wife said "well I wish they would tell us now, instead of letting us know in the morning so that we can make other plans." She had a very good point, and I made a terrible mistake by telling my wife "well I think they won't know until the morning because they will not be able to know how good she feels."

My wife got very upset because she felt like I was taking there side. I feel horrible. My wife has so many reasons not to trust my stepmom, and perhaps my family back stanchion. She gets very defensive if they say something wrong. They say wrong things to me all the time yet I don't feel bad about it because I am probably so desensitized from it.

She just drove off to run an errand, and also to be alone. I'm so worried. I fear that I may not be Goodnuf for her because I've not been able to place my own boundaries. I feel so confused, and I wish to get my own therapy. I only wish that I could offer her words of comfort right now at this very moment. But all I can say, over and over again, is that I'm sorry. And I was wrong.

It does not seem to be working at the moment, she feels like I completely breached your trust. And perhaps a half. I want so much for everyone to get along, I'm not used to picking sides, I'm used to making peace.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is here.
 
I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. Saying you won't know until the morning is not taking sides.

This is a tough situation, being its your family and you want to keep the peace. Perhaps ask your wife if you might go alone for a short length of time with the 'excuse' that your wife is not feeling well.......and then go home and whip it up with her for a good time. This might be a good compromise and you might have to do it in the future.

Yes, the ma in law should have NEVER disclosed such personal information. I normal person wouldn't trust her, let alone someone with ptsd. Might have to come up with solutions where your wife always has the choice whether or not to be around them, while you take some separate time with them.....
I couldn't be around my ex's brother. He was extremely disrespectful, sexist, and anti-environmental, pro-gun etc. The first time we met they were pushing my buttons left and right because I'm a biologist and he's a hunter.

After I tried a few times, I COULD NOT be around him without a flashback coming on. I was OK with the ex going to see them...but I never went again and was ok with that. I knew he had to remain in relationship with them.....but I sure as heck didn't have to and wasn't forced to.

That being said.....the husband is an ex for a reason. Turned out to be a lot like his brother, just took awhile for his true colors to show. Hence EX.
 
You are good enough for your wife. It sounds like you are really caught in a bind. Maybe you can tell your wife you are going to start therapy so that you can learn how to set better boundaries with your step mom, her mother-in-law.
 
My wife is too important for me to let her become an ex. For the first time in my life I'm able to share things. I've never felt that safe before.

She's been able to point out dysfunctions that I always new where there, but never felt good enough about myself to stand up and say so. I felt like I would be cut off. My father kicked me out of the house when I was 14 because I told someone that we were thinking of moving. Albeit it was only for a weekend and I stayed at my moms, so I wasn't homeless. But seriously, to spend a day thinking people I loved never wanted to see me again.

I want everything to work out so that trauma like that doesn't happen again. I get tempted sometimes to go with the flow. But my wife is trying to help me see things differently.....to say that something is wrong when it is. To stand up to my fear.

I don't want to go back to the way things were.

All the same she doesn't trust me right now. She's here doing things around the house, not wanting to talk to me, but still not leaving.
 
I'm a sufferer....

Just a few things....

I don't see your step-mother as being unreasonable *in this instance*. (Past crap aside....) I see her as someone who is trying to keep the family get together alive by saying she'll let you know how she is doing in the morning. I don't think you did a damn thing wrong in this instance. I do, however think that you are very much walking on eggshells at this point as your wife is now pissed and all you say is that you're sorry and that you were wrong.

I honestly do not see this as a time where you were taking sides. I see you as the person who was told by your step-mother that she would let you know how she was feeling in the morning, and you said "ok, that's fine". How in the hell is this taking sides?

Your wife needs a reality check. Were you supposed to be an ass to your step mom and say "well if you can't tell me NOW if tomorrow is going to happen, then we're NOT coming!"

I'm not saying that there aren't other boundary issues going on, but IN THIS INSTANCE I think your wife is a bit out of bounds so to speak because I don't honestly see how you were taking their side.

And what's to stop you from making alternative plans NOW? Not a damn thing. Its called having a back-up plan and being flexible.

Sorry if this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, but please, please, PLEASE don't start walking on eggshells. Nothing good ever comes of it. You need to stand strong in your boundaries with your wife. One SINCERE sorry should suffice. If you have to grovel then its not a good thing....
 
Solara, I appreciate your thoughts.

At this point, she does not seem open to that idea. In her mind I breached trust. I am the enemy. She was screaming at me. She had a look in her eye as if she truly hated me.

Now she says she doesn't care what I do. She calmed down before we went to bed, we said goodnight and that we love each other, but she is distant.

After reading your post, Solara, I feel inclined to be angry. However, before overreacting I plan to get my own therapy. We have also been seeing a marriage counselor.

Until our next appointment, I'm going to remain calm. I don't think our conversations will be very in-depth anyway.
 
@mghondo, it is important that you don't let yourself constantly feel that you are to blame when your wife lashes out. If she is stressed, and doesn't know how to handle her stressors yet, she may lash out or blame you for things that aren't your fault. Unfortunately, you are the person closest to her, so you may bear the brunt of this behavior. If you start the habit of feeling like the designated dirtbag in the relationship you are going to be miserable.
 
Hi justmehere. Can I just say that I was a pure and utter bitch to my ex 2nd husband....I said jump and he said how high, I was a disgusting human being to him. He allowed me to control him, and I took that control with open arms.....I loved the fact that finally nobody was taking control of me, I was, or thought I was, in control of everything. I sought help and through that I realised I had no respect for him, so did the right thing and I left him. Where is a relationship when there is no mutual respect? Please do seek therapy for yourself......you deserve to be able to stand by your very own thoughts and feelings. Your wife needs to realise this no matter what she is going through personally.
 
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