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I Feel Like A Horrible Person

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LilSam

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I feel like my relationship could end at any time and I don't want it to. My girlfriend says she loves me and I do too, but a lot of the time we'll be kissing/cuddling/going on days out, Etc. And I'll be triggered out of nowhere, it upsets her and it upsets me, I really love this girl but I feel horrible because my PTSD is making me not good enough for her and often wastes the time we have together by me either going into a flashback and staring at a wall, unresponsive, or crying for no apparent reason. I want to know how to control the PTSD, it's a lot to ask for but for me the relationship is completely off limits to everyone and everything, my own private time I spend with her and escape from the stress of school and my parents, but being triggered keeps interrupting it. I don't know what I'm saying. To be honest, I'm triggered and crying right now but all I can think about is the abuse and how I'm going to get past it and to a good relationship..

(FAQ; I have a psychologist, the police know what happened to me, my parents know too.)
 
Maybe you just need some more boundaries with your special person in order to feel safe.

Would the person be Ok if you requested not to be sexual for a certain period of time, for example. Not to presume this is the nature of the triggering situation, just using it as an example.

If I understood what my BF/GF was dealing with and wanted the relationship to last, I would be willing to consider anything that would help my person feel safe and comfortable enough to continue.

Just a thought. I am sorry to hear you are suffering with this.
 
I have known 2 couples who have been together virtually their whole lives. So I'm going to approach this from the stance that, yes, it can happen that the person you're dating at 14/15 is the person you will be with in 75 years.

That said? So will the PTSD. It won't leave your relationships untouched. If your relationship survives the rest of forever? It won't be because the PTSD has left it entirely alone. It will be because your relationship works with your PTSD.
 
Maybe you just need some more boundaries with your special person in order to feel safe.

Would the person...

I should've been more specific.... she lives down the road from my abusive exes new boyfriend, the one she cheated on me with and dumped me for. She wants to move house and school but she can't. What happened to me didn't involved much kissing, it rarely triggers me and we're both 14 so haven't gone very far sexually at all, for obvious reasons, I don't know if sex would trigger me but so far it's just the location that does it
 
Thanks for clarifying.

Can you hang out with this person at another place - your house, the library, somewhere safe?

At 14 I agree that it would be in your and the other person's best interests to take it super slow , especially because you were in an abusive relationship before.
 
I want to know how to control the PTSD
Me too! ;-) And I hate to say it, but it is a work in progress. I think the biggest thing here is that if your PTSD is getting in the way (as you say), that there ARE people out there who understand. Aiming for someone who doesn't judge you or treat you badly for your reactions. Those types won't help you one little bit.

However, if it is you that is saying you aren't good enough for this person.... well that isn't up to you to make that decision for them. If they treat you well and show you that you are not a bother... the biggest gift you can give them is to believe them. And to thank them for being kinder to you than YOU are to you.
 
@LilSam , dear fellow sufferer, I know your pain and I am sorry that flashbacks during intimacy trigger you, and create an issue in your relationship.
I'll be triggered out of nowhere, it upsets her and it upsets me,
Flashbacks often occur in situations where we (our brain) is noting a present situation similarity (intimacy) to a past situation-that was violating. Hence, the whistles and sirens go off.

  • Please know that you are absolutely good enough, for a relationship, while you have PTSD. It takes a patience of both people, to work together, on what is coming up.
  • My partner could not wait for me to heal: In the long run this was a gift because I was not triggered frequently and had time to heal.
  • You won't be totally alone. You can find support through other people; for me, I'm in a few Alanon groups where adults speak briefly about their childhood trauma that was related to dysfunctional childhoods.
  • Once I chose to ignore my flashbacks and my symptoms got worse; had persistent nightmares and increased depression.
  • Although inconvenient, my flashbacks (first just muscular) were the beginning of a significant healing of the past.
  • If you heed your body's signals consider finding a therapist so you can explore and express any known or unknown memories that are connected to these triggers, you will likely be able to eventually be intimate without having triggers.
  • When I first had such triggers during intimacy, I had suppressed all memories of being violated. Therapy helped a lot.
I think it takes time, courage, patience, and people to help heal a trauma. If I can do it, so can you!
Take good care! :hug:
 
@LilSam. Wow. You really did add the tagline. :p

In my life, I've always found forthrightness to be the best policy. You might be able to avoid the location, but you don't know yet what will trigger you. Can you talk to her about PTSD and ask her to do some research on that and the supporter's role? This way, there'll be no surprises down the road...

And if you were good enough for her before the abuse, you're certainly good enough for her now.
 
As far as what helps control the PTSD, what is starting to work for me is the concept of Wise Mind that is discussed as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy - DBT. It is best known as a treatment for borderline personality disorder, but you Idon't have to be borderline to benefit from it.

I still have my triggers but what is new is that an adult, calm, and rational self is now also present and is able to take the driver's seat, so I don't act impulsively out of fear based on the trigger.

But honey, I am an adult and you are not. Give yourself the space to be a kid. I hope you are getting help, professional help, and being patient with yourself.
 
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