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Sexual Assault I Feel Like I Am Crawling In My Skin

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SinkorSwim

MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday was the day I shared with my therapist what I remember about the time around my sexual abuse. It is a lot of broken up memories that I had a really hard time explaining. There was one that really bugged me. She told me to practice my self care so I did last night and I went for a run and ran my aromatherapy. I slept like crap but I don't even know what I am thinking about. I'm just lost at the moment between memories trying to figure stuff out. I feel like I am crawling in my skin. I very much want to solve all this bottled up emotion right away and I can't. I've been holding all of this in 22 years. I feel like I need to very much talk out my feelings but I can't find the words right now. She told me to write things down and then forget about it, but I can't even seem to write anything out except this. She also told me I can call her at any moment and she would return my call. She is very good about this, but I don't even know what to explain to her right now. I am just lost.
 
I understand. I kept everything in for 40 years, just started therapy a few months ago, and I feel like that a lot.
 
I find that often song lyrics can express what I cannot say or won't allow myself to say, or they do a good job of describing my feelings. Examples: "Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb/I can't remember what it was I came here to get away from." -Bob Dylan, "Not Dark Yet."

"I'm staring at a stranger in the mirror
he's looking like a ghost in human form
that used to be my head
but the occupant has fled
Lord, where's the good man gone ?" -The Waterboys "Good Man Gone"

Might you want to try to look for song lyrics that convey your feelings? Sometimes I only feel my feelings when listening to music that reflects them. Sometimes it's just the music, not even the lyrics that connect to my feelings.
 
That is all so understandable. When trauma happens it is normal for the language part of your brain to shut down. So when you attempt to go there again words are not easy to find. Try coloring, drawing....don't try to "draw anything specific"...but is there a color that speaks to you or a shape or just scribble. Sometimes for me just scribbling or using hands in paint helps move some things out and words come a little easier. Sounds like you are doing an awesome job with exercise, aroma to keep yourself grounded. I so understand wanting to "figure" it out, move on...unfortunately it does not work like that....I used to be so in my head trying to figure it out and when I started using art I found a way to connect emotion to it and express what there were/are no words for.
Not sure any of this makes sense...just know that you are not alone. Keep trying to care for yourself....and it is ok to say...i am struggling...even if that is all you can say to your T right now that is ok.
 
That is all so understandable. When trauma happens it is normal for the language part of your brain to sh...
Great suggestion, Joan. I've tried that in the past but my inner critic tells me I can't draw a straight line with a ruler! Even grown-up coloring books don't work because I get so anxious trying to stay in the lines!

Still, I know many people for whom art therapy has been awesome.
 
That is all so understandable. When trauma happens it is normal for the language part of your brain to sh...
I am an incredibly creative person so I actually have a vision in my head of what I want to draw so I guess I just need to get it out. It doesn't explain anything really it just is a big mess right now but at least I could see that mess on paper and maybe attach to it somehow.
 
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