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I feel like i need help

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saraemerald

MyPTSD Pro
I feel overwhelmed and emotions are strong causing me tension and anxiety and fear. I am scared. I am tired. I want to wrap myself up in a blanket and hide myself from life and this world and people unless they are loving. I am having an extremely strong existential fear for this world. My religion/cult I grew up in taught me about this wonderful paradise that God was going to turn the earth into after He gets rid of all that's bad in the world and all we have to do is trust in Him. I felt like i was in a nice protective bubble and everything would be Ok and as long as I continue to have faith in Him and "survive this awful world controlled by Satan", then i will make it into this wonderful paradise where the whole earth is peaceful and nature is bountiful.
Now that I have left the cult, this fantasy that I once thought was reality, is gone. And now I am left to be in fear of global warming, what us humans are doing to each other (war, crime, shady politics, abuse, etc). I am also left with the insane task of healing from childhood abuse, and growing up in an isolated cult after the fact that I have already from my teenage years on, did everything I could for many years, to heal from PTSD and the abuse I endured, so that I could function in this world and contribute to it and be happy. I have since sabotaged that happiness i created for myself, left a protective, isolating cult and hurt myself including my once good self esteem and now from here, I just want to sit and cry. And I don't know what else to do. I already spent years healing and practicing self care, establishing healthy relationships, ect and no I am shunned by the very community in which I thought was a good, healing environment. I'm just so confused. Now I have to heal myself all over again and I don't want to
 
I can understand how you would feel alone after going through all that. I think getting out of there is an enormously courageous thing that you did.

I’m glad you’re in therapy, is it possible to go more often? It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and could use more frequent support.
 
Yes, every other week. And she's a really good therapist too.
I lost all my friends plus family whe...
I was hurt by a LOT of people when I started to leave the cult and my "friends" just watched me fall and didn't do anything to help me but gossip. Then people I encountered in "the world" (anyone outside the cult) such as ppl I reached out to or reconnecting with old classmates and such hurt me too, as in some took advantage of me being in a vulnerable place when i left and was hurting so much and just needed a true friend.

I can understand how you would feel alone after going through all that. I think getting out of there is a...
I can't afford to go every week. but my therapist did give me some things I could check out in addition to me seeing her. And I agree. I need extra support right now. This is so painful and raw. These people were people i grew up with and some of them practically raised me and now because I am out of that cult I was born into, they are required to shun me. That is so cruel. The only good thing right now is that Leah Remini has been exposing Scientology on her show on A&E and for her next season, she will be talking about other cults and the one I left is high on the list of what she will be exposing next.
 
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That is horrible!! People can be so cruel. When I came out of my traumatic situation I shut everyone out because no one felt safe. I had an attorney who was supposed to help me and instead revictimized me.People at my job turned on me horribly and made my life miserable until I finally couldn’t take it anymore and quit. You deserve to be surrounded by good people that are safe. Maybe your t has some ideas of where to meet people like that.
 
I am trying to breath right now. I know there are still so many good people out there but from my experience the last few years, hasn't felt that way. and I want solutions. I want to fix everything and I have such high expectations. I realise i need to somehow readjust this but it is too hard right now. Plus I'm all mixed up inside really bad, trying to figure who I am outside the cult, grieving lost years the cult and PTSD took away from me while I was still young and free spirited and now I just feel scared and ashamed. The free spirited me is lost
 
The free spirited me is lost
I understand that feeling very well. I’ve made progress in that area, but not sure I’ll ever be the same. It takes a lot of time to heal. I am learning about trying to be patient with myself. It’s not easy to do that. A lot of times I really want to give up.

How would you treat a friend who had been through what you went through? If you can turn around and treat you like you would that friend, you will be able to help yourself heal those wounds. Be a friend to yourself and your strength will continue to grow. You are brave and courageous, somewhere deep inside you is a strong survivor that will get you through this.
 
I understand that feeling very well. I’ve made progress in that area, but not sure I’ll ever be the s...
Thanx for this. It is so true. Maybe I'm not letting go of self judgement because I'm scared. I know too many things I wish I didn't know. And as for God and faith, it's so wrong to create something that is capable of life and love but then allow it to endure things it wasn't meant to endure.
 
And as for God and faith, it's so wrong to create something that is capable of life and love but then allow it to endure things it wasn't meant to endure.
I understand how you feel this way. I’m not trying to change how you feel or what you believe, but my experience was different....I was mad at God for allowing me to be trapped in trauma on both sides and I gave up on God and life and was ready to die. I almost did.

Eventually, I experienced the grace and love of God in a way I can hardly put words to. Had it NOT been for God’s unconditional love for me I have NO doubt that I wouldve be dead by now.

This is a very condensed version of it all, but I hope you don’t mind me sharing who I know God to be now. I didn’t always see it this way.
 
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