• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Dom Violence I feel like i'm doing wrong by him, but really i'm finally doingright by me.

Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DazedAndUsed

So, on October 30th of last year, I left the man I had been seeing for five years. When we began this relationship, he had been so very sweet. He had persued me with what seemed like passion, I had never had anyone want me so badly. We both work in a jail, him as a deputy jailer, and me as a outside contractor of sorts. We had fun riding his truck up into the mountains and drinking some beers. I soon became tired of this, but he could drink one after another until he had killed a whole 30 pack.

He was sweet, but secretive. He made sure to keep his phone on silent, he only checked it when I wasn't around. I don't even remember when this behavior became the norm. I just remember that I realized it was one day and brought it up. It was around 1:00 a.m. so he was probably over three quarters of the way through a 30 pack. I had drank half a 6-pack of strawberry ale. We started arguing, I don't remember how it happened, but he hadsomehow gotten into my iPad and had taken it to the bathroom and locked himself inside with it, going through my messages and texts. I became furious because he was going through my iPad when he couldn't even take his phone out in front of me.

So I used my phone to lock my iPad. He tore out of the bathroom threw my iPad at me, and pushed me into the living room. I was never one to back down and he had been pushing me around a lot lately. I don't remember when that started either, just that it had become the norm in an argument. That night I pushed from behind as he was walking into the kitchen. When he turned around he had his phone in his hand and I grabbed it.

This is where everything gets fuzzy. I don't know how he moved me approximately 6 foot to the left of where I had been standing after I pushed him. But he had and he had his hands around my throat. I couldn't feel the ground below my feet and I couldn't breathe. Then I was on the floor, trying to move away from him and stand up all at once. I started toward the living room and the front door but he grabbed me by my hair and I hit something hard with my face. I was on the kitchen floor looking at the legs of my bartop kitchen table and he is screaming at me "where is it?" "You f*cking bitch." "Where is my phone." I was laying on my side and I saw it, under the kitchen table. He was bent over me yelling at me. I said something about its under the table and I don't remember getting up or why I didn't go for the living room door, but I ran to my bathroom and shut the door, locking it.

He was screaming and beating on the door. I don't remember him breaking the thin door in half above the kno , I don't remember him reaching in and unlocking the door, or swinging the bottom half of the door open. But I remember him pushing me and me ending up laying in the bathtub with my legs hanging over the side. I had my phone in my hand and for some reason I took a picture. I sat there for a long time, crying, confused, scared. He storm d back to the door a few times, yelling at me, I don't remember what he yelled.

He came into my view and was staring at me through the broken door. I got furious, looking st him through the mess he had made. I climbed out of the bathtub and went after him. I remember pushing him out of my front door with my hands wrapped into the back of his shirt, digging my nicked into his back as I pushed with my entire body into him. He was letting my push him, in 5'5, 200lbs. He is 6'8 435 lbs, bench pressed 405 easily. I pushed him out and he left my house.

That was the first time he was violent with me. Since then he has held a gun to my chest with his finger on the trigger and then he actually shot at me On October 30th 2016. I was afraid to contact the police, because he is also a deputized sheriff, his best friend is the sheriff. They wouldn't believe me. And I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I didn't understand it, I was scared and humiliated. He begged, and I took him back.

Fast forward to last weekend and he is starting to make regular drunken stops at my house in which he begs me back then gets irate and screams and yells and towers over me then backed out of my driveway and flys up the road.

I've called the police, to no avail. They actually showed up once, I had reported that we had gotten into it and he had threatened me with a gun. A trooper showed up, said contact the county attorney, and left. I was lost. I work with the court attorney, I didn't want him to know how bad things were. My boyfriend was my problem. I had to figure out a way to help him. Bringing attention to a alcohol problem would ruin his career. I didn't want that. Actually because his job was what I think was holding him back from being more violent. I was so dumb.

After recent events I filed for an EPO, which takes away his concealed carry license, but still allows him to carry a loaded weapon while on the job. His position as deputy jailer is K-9 unit and he is always on call 24/7, so he always gets to carry still. But I know he is furious and hurt that I filed it.

See, technically he could lose his job if it stays in force for a long time. This won't happened because he is the Sheriff's best friend, but they're using that in court to justify dropping the EPO. I sometimes genuinely feel like I'm doing wrong by him. I feel like I've over reacted and I shouldn't have given up the relationship so soon, then I come back to my senses and remember that he choked me until I blacked out, he held a gun to my chest and threatened to kill me, he actually pointed a loaded gun at me and pulled the trigger, he has had a total of three affairs within the 5 years we had been together. So I'm justified.

But I can't help but feel like I'm wrong still. Like this has all gotten out of control and I'm intentionally harming him and threatening his job. I feel like I'm doing wrong by him somehow. Why do I feel this way?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top