• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I feel so entirely alone tonight

Status
Not open for further replies.
I'm in an environment that is toxic for me right now, but I just need to wait a bit more(doesn't help that everything feels so much far from my control now). I'm trying, I am, but then there are days like this. It wasn't a bad week although I had one trigger. There were some nice steps forwards too.
So I don't know why I still feel so low. Except that I'm here still and I've been depressed and it's hard not to have the instinct to run from any situation that makes me feel so negative. But I am trying. I almost have a new job, I'm working on myself...I guess with everything going on I should have taken a day off, but I didn't. So today I woke up weak and feverish and anxious and depressed all at once, and I only managed to push through one task.

And now my brain is in panic for losing a day, and in panic because I have to put so much effort to get myself to do anything. I need to take care of myself, but some days I feel so guilty for needing anything, and so lost that I don't know if I know my needs anymore.

I wish I knew what to do or say, anything instead of this stupid numb feeling, like I'm just pushing through the days to get out of here and until I do I'm incapable of being healthy...I wish I was somewhere where I feel home.
 
It's almost like when things start to get better, and even tho we are very proud of the work we have done to get there... all the craziness leaves a void... all that chaos is our identity for so long.... and, needing to be in a better environment, it's like we are afraid to get comfortable or express and joy, because our environment can cause a disruption at any time.... and we haven't had enough time to really adjust to the good things... which,in and of their self, while good, is still not something we are used to..

And like you, I was so depressed all the time, even when good was entering my life, I was grateful, but afraid of it too... and being depressed, couldn't REALLY process the good.... I understand where you are... and being in a situation where you are somewhat stuck... doesn't help.

Was very very proud tho, to see all the good that you have worked for being shared and you taking pride in the changes... some days, I just learned, to not try to understand.. while I am in the middle of learning something new, I was usually on the other side before it really made sense... and I get the loneliness.... but is it that, or you are feeling an 'emptiness'?? The reason I am asking, is because we are so new at always knowing what we are feeling... could it be the 'absence' of the chaos and pain, that you are feeling... ?

I could be totally off the mark, and apologize, but I do know I read a LOT of hope in your post... thank you for sharing this... it gave me much needed support for where I am today.... so, you really aren't alone, I just don't get to set on the couch with you having coffee.... and having someone to talk with in real time about all the changes and what they mean.... I think it would help both of us to remember, we are never really alone... someone , somewhere is thinking of us... and I live a gazillion miles from you... but you are very much in my thoughts.

Hope tomorrow is a better day, it does get better, it really does... sending you gentle hugs if you accept.
 
It's almost like when things start to get better, and even tho we are very proud of the work we have done...
I think you and @She Cat are both right in some ways. Except for the emptiness(there is still a lot of pain in me, and way too much anger, and darkness too, though I am working on it, getting stronger). Since I wrote that post, a lot happened. I got way too overwhelmed and had to postpone some things. Then I had a trip, which was nice but overwhelming.

And we come to this week...I joined free online conference for my work. I have 2 job interviews next week with good prospects(and in my work you need more than one work as it is usually not full time), small gig that will sort of save this week, since my other work/client is non here yet, and one more company to apply for...

Honestly I haven't been so active workwise in a long time. For a first time I am starting to see change, option for change at least, and everything in me is freaking out. I didn't realize that until now, but it is. I am still trying of course. I wouldn't have gotten more interviews if I wasn't. But it is SCARY. Because of mental health and other reasons I have dug myself in financial hole where anytime my client is few days late on payment or absent for a week, I can't pay my bills. Where I owe money I don't know how to return yet, and I just have too little coming in, simply as that. I am having no illusions, this will take time to get out of. Even if I get these jobs, I have no idea how I'll pay anything of my bills(though I have where to sleep and eat and rent is paid for now)in the meantime, and I am 6 weeks late on my phone bill.

But nevertheless, 1 of the interviews is a 2nd interview, pretty much testing me at the job, and from what I know I have high hopes to get it. And if I do, at the very least after my first wage, I'll be able to pay my bills okay. If I get the other job I'm interviewing for, I'll be able to start settling the important things(like debt and savings), slowly, but surely. And if I don't get these I have started learning to keep applying so something must pop up. I am polishing my skills too. So it has to get better. And yeah, I'll be hanging on a thread for few weeks, financially, but I have been like this for months and survived- now I may at least get to something better.

But I am freaking out, I am. A HUGE part of me feels like it's not real. Like it's a fluke I get interviews now and they won't pay. Or accept me. Or I won't be able to live/pay for life until the first proper salaries. Or somehow I'll screw it up. It's been a long time since I was well, and just as long since my finances are stable. I can't even remember what it is to have money left at the end of a month. I am shaky and I need therapy and a lot more, but fixing my finances is a step towards that, and it is scary. Some nights I just need to take few hours for myself to try and let my mind adjust to all happening:). I hope it is really happening, that it will happen, that it will be good.
 
Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but if you’re 6 weeks behind on your phone bill then why did you go on a trip??? The money you spent on trip should have been used to pay bills.... For me, it’s all about priorities first, then pleasure. My holiday, once a year.... I take a week off and I allow myself to go to our state fair and to the mall. That’s it!!!!
 
Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but if you’re 6 weeks behind on your phone bill then why did you go on a...
You're not too harsh and I never would be behind either-I've never been since I use these bills. But I live in foreign country, not my birth one. The trip was connected to documents which I couldn't deal with in any other way, so I had to. I wish I didn't, but it wasn't optional nor for the purpose of pleasure. Hopefully with all the new work coming my way I will soon pay off everything.
 
Thanks for clarifying that. I suggest that if possible, you pay a little bit to everyone you owe money too. At least they will know that you’re making the effort, people and business HATE when they are ignored, so even a few dollars every week will at least let them know that you are trying....
 
@SeekingAfrica , I understand the feelings about things making a good turn around.... and me standing there like a deer in the headlights.... just waiting for it not to be real.... and I too, have had a long time since I had any money left over at the end of the month... but some things changed for me... and I am now in a safe place, with lower rent, and so much good has happened, I'm still processing... it just feels surreal sometimes... like I am going to wake up and none of this true...

We have lived in a non deserving state of mind for sooooo long... instead of being happy, we get suspicious... but, that is normal for US.
We just don't quite trust happy, or good, or even ok.... but it's like the rest of our journey... we find our self in a situation and we just figure it out...

It's hard to believe that we truly do get pay offs for the hard work, staying consistent.... so am hoping you get the jobs and things are less stressful for you.... and that you slowly start to realize that you are getting what you have worked so hard for... it will happen... just give your self permission to keep looking at the light at the end of the tunnel... Gentle hugs if you accept.
 
Always accept hugs @SeekingAfrica , and we just have to remind each other, that we aren't alone.. some one here, is feeling and thinking like we do.. it's hard to process good because it's so new... we aren't sure what it's supposed to feel like, or look like, but I bet, given enough time... we will get hold of this... and compare notes down the line.... we might even get a little bit used to it... and understand more deeply, this is part of our pay off for hard work..I really believe we can do this... gentle hugs
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top