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I Feel So Stupid And Exposed

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
Ongoing saga of getting NHS to act

I phoned my Care Co-ordinator on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning to ask what was happening and why the original plan was changed. He was "unavailable" each time, but the receptionist said she'd pass the message on. Nothing happened each day. He didn't know why I was calling, and is my only contact for crisis or otherwise.

This afternoon I phoned, and when he was out of the office, asked to speak to the duty worker. I explained I'd been calling and what I wanted to know. She predictably knew nothing, but said she would email him to ask him to call me. I then STUPIDLY said what was in my head "I'm really bad at understanding unspoken messages, so if by not calling back he means Go Away, then he needs to say so"

How ridiculous. how demanding and needy, and such a perfect way to annoy him and devalue myself. Why can't I keep things to myself? I want to hide under the bed and never answer the phone again. I'm supposed to be an adult and I throw a stupid tantrum.
 
Oh hun, i would of said the same thing (and probably more) if I was in any sort of crisis and no one was answering my calls. Or even i wasnt in crisis. Someone needs to call you back or something. How horrible! Im sorry! :hug:
 
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Actually, I think you did rather well.

The plan has changed. You, more than anyone, needs to know both how it's changed & why, and yet you don't & are out of the loop. You've phoned your point of contact in this process 3 days in a row. He hasn't called you back.

Telling the person on the other line that you don't read subtext, so if there is subtext it needs to be said directly? Far from out of line.

If his not calling you back actually means "Catch a clue, I'm not calling you because I'm not going to?"

A) Yes. You also need to know that. So that you can find a new point of contact.
B) The office needs to know that you will be continuing to call, daily, until someone either gives you a straight answer OR sends you to someone else for an answer, it's not something you're going to do on your own.
C) That's a crazy unprofessional way to handle clients (just not phoning them, if you want them to look elsewhere, rather than simply saying "I don't know. I'm not going to find out. You'll need to ask so&so."
D) It's a highly unprofessional way to handle clients (just not phoning them if you don't know the answe & are attempting to find put), rather than simply ringing them and saying that, but leaving them in the lurch as they keep phoning day after day after day. (Or even 1 phone call and never again. Ducking clients is, plain and simple, unprofessional).

It's a simple question "What has changed & why?" ... Although it may have a complex answer... You deserve an answer. It's your life & your treatment plan. If he has no intention of ringing you back, or is waiting to ring you back until he has answers? Those are things you need to know. Period.

So, no. I don't see this as a tantrum. I see this as you being direct as to what your needs & wants are in this situation. That's a good thing.
 
Doesn't sound like a stupid tantrum to me, rather, someone who needs the person who is meant to be helping, actually giving you that help you deserve and need. (plus, if you think what you said was bad, well you should hear the stuff I've said to some NHS workers - on phone and in person!)
 
Than you all for trying to encourage me. I wish I could go back in time and unsay it. I expect any request for help to lead to trouble. It is wrong to expose mt needs. I tried to type "it feels wrong", but I can't identify this as a feeling. He will be angry, it will backfire on me.
 
I don't actually think it makes you sound demanding or needy, nor like you were throwing a tantrum, nor that you have devalued yourself.

I think it sounds like you were frustrated and want them to be straight with you. Straight with you about the decision and why it's changed and now straight with you about doing what they say they're going to do in terms of calling you back etc. That's completely reasonable and understandable to me.

Sounds like you're angry with them/the process and that you're turning that anger on yourself.

Why do you feel it is wrong to expose your needs? I think we have both talked before about finding it difficult to a) know what our needs are and b) to express them - I understand the huge challenge and the massive vulnerability/exposure in that. But there's a big difference between "I can't"/"I'm finding it difficult to"/"I'm afraid to"/"I'm not sure how to" and a heap of other things around this messy area of needs and "it is wrong to". And I say that not to make you wrong to say it....not at all. I'm just curious about that.

Do you think it would be wrong if someone else (me, for example) expressed their needs? I suspect that if I came on here and said that I'd told someone (in the context of a system that has been letting me down and messing me around for a long period of time) that I need them to be straight with me and talk to me about what's going on...I suspect you might think I'd done a good thing...? And I genuinely think that's what you've done.

Why do you think he will be angry?
 
He will be angry
  • because I have drawn his colleagues attention to his inaction
  • because I have indicated that it has had an effect on me
  • because he is stuck in a failing organisation
  • because I am variable, sometimes I can keep my feelings conveniently out of the way, but sometimes they escape
Possibly also
  • because that part of the organisation thinks I am over demanding and attention seeking ( Psychology and Psychiatry don't seem to think that )
  • because given my past actions it is not appropriate for me to contact them
  • because I haven't hidden enough my view that his social work colleague is incompetent

It is wrong to expose needs because it affects others.My needs should stay with me. When I have broken that rule, the consequences have usually been bad
 
Well....he might be angry...maybe for the reasons you've identified, maybe others. Or, he might not be angry....he might feel something else instead.
  • He might feel embarrassed because you've flagged his inaction/incompetence to his colleague.
  • He might feel frustrated because he's stuck in a failing system.
  • He might feel angry with himself because he knows he's not been doing a great job.
  • He might feel depressed because he wants a different job but can't get one.
He also might not have given it a thought so might not feel anything much about it at all.

We could speculate all day about how he might feel and we might be wrong every time. And, even if we hit on some that are right (not that we'll know we have) that doesn't mean that your phone call expressing your needs has "caused" it - you can't "make" someone feel anything - they are in charge of their emotional response themselves.

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions and I don't think speculating and assuming and taking responsibility for others' feelings is a particularly helpful route to go down. It just means you end up building all kinds of evidence that will "prove" that you did something "wrong".

"It is wrong to expose needs because it affects others..." - I get that this belief has come from past experiences and that it is strong. But this is only one way of looking at it. And, again, I think it's partly based on your assumptions.

Not expressing your needs affects you...adversely...because it means your needs can't/won't be met. I think that really matters...

I'm not intending to be harsh, so I hope this isn't coming across that way. I just hate to think that you're believing you did something wrong here. You so haven't done anything wrong.

Did he ever get back to you?
 
@Sandstone I don't know the intricacies of your health system over there, so I can't speak to what one would need or want to do to massage the system accordingly.

What I do know, however, is that your reply would make sense over here. I've been fighting the U.S. system for years. They don't respond to niceties and when I finally dissolve on someone, I get results. This is such a known fact among people that we regularly exchange advice that goes like this: "call them up and cry."

I also think our repainted are weighted because we are the "patients." I know. For myself, that I am hyperconcious of my actions because I don't want to emphasize how inadequate I am (and my role as a patient emphasizes TO ME that I am inadequate). If anyone else were to make this statement regarding a broken limb? No one would blink twice.
 
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