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I Finally Spoke Up

Discussion in 'General' started by Seeking_Nirvana, Nov 17, 2007.

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  1. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    I finally told my in-laws they have no right to expect me to go to holiday events and family functions.

    I was put on the spot yesterday by a phone call from my SIL. She asked why I wasn't coming to Thanksgiving at her house and I told her the reasons. She was on the verge of tears, and took it personal. I told her not to take it personal that I have a life of my own. Since she was in such a weak state of mind that is all I said to her.

    I then called my other SIL and asked who told that I wasn't going to attend Thanksgiving at the other SILs house and she said she didn't know. I told her it was wrong for her family to have so many expectations for me to show up for family get togethers when I don't feel well, and that some boundaries need to be set.

    She agreed that I didn't need to go to all of the get togethers, but I have to go to the big holiday events. I said, "No I don't because I don't agree with the way your family does things, and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do just because some one thinks I should. I was raised differently and feel differently about family affairs and no one has the right to get mad at me for that". We agreed to disagree.

    I then called my MIL and asked if she was the one who leaked the info, and she said she did and started laughing at her mistake when I told her how upset the one SIL got over me not attending. I told her there is nothing funny about it and the family needs to start setting boundaries with each other and quit expecting things with out asking first. Also, there is no need to get upset if I don't show up it's not because I don't like the person, it's because I don't feel up to going. AND, I'm a bit fed up with the whole issue, and if others keep pressuring me I will break.

    This is a follow up from a post earlier. If I hadn't joined this group I doubt I would have learned that I really needed to say those things NOW in a non-defensive manner before it got ugly. It felt good to say no to them, and tell them to respect my limitations.

    Thanks to everyone here that has responded to my posts and helped me realize I need to speak up before things get out of hand.

    Peace
    Tammy
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Excellent for you for setting boundaries. It is much needed yet so hard. You get used to doing it and it is a good thing. I am supposed to be going out of town and I had some recent family issues... Plus I totally forgot it was Thanksgiving this week, so I am only going for a couple days. I already this AM got pressure to go to my mother's as I will be in town and said no way. I know my limits and am pushing them just to go meet half way at my sis' to see my son and let my little girl go see her big brother.

    For some reason my side of the family just cannot grasp I have PTSD, but my inlaws read up on it and never pressure me. They read books and I opened up. They treat me well, I always get the invites through hubs and told I am welcome, but no pressure. It is a running joke at my hubs expense his wife is a myth. None have met me yet after 6 years. But all are just great and I should go meet... But I am not ready. They all respect it. I keep being told this is what normal families do. Support and understand. Maybe it is scary as this is the last thing my FOO does. And they were around during all of he reasons of PTSD. Go figure.

    But again awesome job setting boundaries. Way to go.
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Oh, MIL and FIL have met me as they help me out, but aunts, uncles, cousins.. They are who tease him as he did not marry until almost 40, and he picked someone as fried as me, LOL. Maybe I hope this weekend will loosen me up to go meet his family this week but it may just make me crash. Never know. Well, probably crash. Let's not kid ourselves.
     
  5. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    It's too bad you can't meet his family first since they are supportive of you and know your situation.

    If your family stress you out and trigger you, then the chance of doing anything after seeing them will probably not happen because some family members just wear on the nerves even for non PTSDers.

    I hope you don't crash so you can meet your in laws. They seem real nice for the way they treat you. If only all in laws were that way.

    I didn't want to say anything bad about my in laws because they are very good people with good hearts and would do anything for me. It's just expectations and pressure to be with them all the time. They think they are doing it because they care about me and want to see me, but don't realize how bad I feel sometimes.

    But hopefully they will ease up, and I think they will now that I have spilled the beans to my FIL about why I don't like holidays, and told SIL and MIL to set boundaries.

    BTW, I'm not sure what FOO means.

    Good luck this week!
    Tammy
     
  6. hodge

    hodge I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Hi Tammy,

    I'm pretty sure FOO means "family of origin."

    Hodge
     
  7. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    :thumbs-up My definition of FOO is the same.....PEACE TO THE PLANET
     
  8. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    Thanks wildfire and hodge.

    Tammy
     
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