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I Give Up The Fight. I Am At Peace With It

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Deleted member 34195

I want to say thank you to the people on this forum who reached out to me on posts about what happened to me. Thank you for your kind words. YOU all are truly beautiful, kind, loving and compassionate people--you all are survivors of human suffering. I am sorry for everything you been there. Hugs to all of you. <3

I am letting all the people who have hurt me win. I am at peace with it. They already won. The truth is I try to talk strong, but I am beyond exhausted. There is no SAFE person to talk to in my county or city because of what is going on with the police situation. The police have hurt me- there will never be justice- they are above the law....they are. No one will help me. No one will touch it- they do scare tactics and keep me in the corner. I spoke the truth. I reported cops that hurt me. It is done and over with- there will NEVER be justice.

I have chosen to give up the fight. I reached out repeatedly for help- I did. I told people who were mandatory reporters by law and they did nothing in end to help. There is NO hope. I have lost all hope. I am not going to court and there is no justice. There will NEVER be justice. All the people who hurt me have walked free...... every single one of them. I have had crimes committed against me since I was a 5 year old child. I survived repeated molestations and survived three rapes- I was raped at age of 12. The other two I was raped as an adult. I was sexually exploited by my own father.

I was psychologically, emotionally, verbally and physically abused by my parents. I was left to die. I was homeless in middle of winter and dumpster dived at age 13 and used to eat grass with water cause I was hungry and be-friended the animals--my dog was more of mother than my own mom who gave birth to me. I was left to die at age 18. My mother put me down repeatedly...... I was told I was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, retarded, that no one would ever love me, etc. I was bullied after I was raped in 2010 by an 911 dispatcher who knew I was raped-- she took it to facebook and outed my PTSD on her profile publicly and called me degatory names-- mean girl-- I got picked on- I reported and there was no justice-- she walked free and she moved out of our county. There is NEVER been justice. There is NO hope for the future. I am permanently disabled physically and mentally. I never be able to work again or go to school, etc i was smart in school. I had 4.0 GPA in college- I was 44 credits away from graduating with a 4 year undergraduate degree- I had to file discharge on my school loans for my PTSD.

I never fall in love-- who will love someone who has nothing going for them...Now on top of it, I have two serious misdeamenor charges against me for speaking up against the police who hurt me. I am been publicly humiliated and when they put me in jail when I was arrested- they put me in segregation cell- they ignored my cries-- I was given nothing but toilet paper and cup and they refused me soap so that I couldn't wash my hands. I had to poop and pee without being able to wash my hands.. i couldn't wash my fork or nothing... I was given an unused tampon to use as sponge to wash out the cup..... I told the seargent that I had 11 heirneted discs in my back and that i couldn't carry this heavy tub thing and he said too bad- he made me carry it and i dropped it and it was hell. he said what are you doing in jail if you can't carry things.... I have to go to court next week which I will be publicly humiliated in news and will end up with a huge fine and probably end up back in jail....I reported officers who hurt me. There is NO justice.

I reached out to my county repeatedly and was denied help for two and half years.. i was told PTSD is not considered a persistent mental illness in our state- I didn't receive help. Then now, they knew about the cop who groomed me- yet they won't help me- the public defender won't call me back, the social workers won't call me back , the therapist won't call me back- no one cares. they only care about throwing you away and silencing your voice. There is No justice.

The human race is the cruelest species on this planet. 50 people were gunned down in the USA in Orlando, Florida-- everyday I read about the horrible things that humans are doing in terrorist attacks in Europe and in the gun violence in the USA and all the rapes, etc. I read about humans hurting and abusing animals and children, etc. There is no hope. People will put you down when you are already down...

The animals were always there for me when the humans weren't. I have always have felt a very strong connection with nature and animals..... I am grateful for them being there for me. I also want to say I love my teddy bear- I named her after my beloved dog that was more of mother for me than my own mother who gave birth to me. I love her with all my heart. She may not talk to me-- she is been there for me by my side in the last two years.

I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out to me. Peace. Love. Nature.
 
@Dylan_Green - are you planning to kill yourself?
NO, I have no plans on killing myself- I don't have a plan in place. I just give up the fight. There is no justice. I am exhausted. I wanted to thank everyone who was kind enough to reach back. I know that If I don't go to court, there will be a warrant for my arrest- I am going to wait until the day comes to decide what to do.. In meantime, I give up and will keep to myself.
 
@Dylan_Green - are you planning to kill yourself?
What I wish for more than anything, I wish I had the money to start over and leave this city and county and state and move far away and even change my name-- I know it sounds extreme-- i can't face the world anymore. I give up on the system here. I give up. I understand my mistakes I made- I went to jail for three days. I probably end up back in slammer. I can't fight the system anymore... there is NO justice. I wish i could live off the grid and be alone with the animals in nature. I wish I could escape this NIGHTMARE
 
Thanks for clarifying, @Dylan_Green.

I'm glad you are aware of your reaction as extreme - because it is. I'm not saying that with judgement, I've had spiral reactions like this, too.

Please remember that you can't predict the future or mind read. I doubt you'd go to jail on 2 misdemeanors. I also think you might feel like everyone looks at you with judgement now, but I promise - people are always more interested in their own problems, less interested in other people's problems. What you perceive as public humiliation is probably not.

I guess: feelings are not facts. I hope that you can continue to work though some of the events that have occurred and find more balanced thinking.
 
Thanks for clarifying, @Dylan_Green.

I'm glad you are aware of your reaction as...
Do you think I should check myself in hospital? do you think I should be civilly committed in psych hospital?? All the trauma has taken a toll on my mental health.. I do aknoweldge that I am might be a little paranoid in my PTSD state of others and what they think-- when I don't know what the public thinks- i do know that the news did pick up the story and did write it- and 95 people shared it publicly- i saw it and read it myself. HRO are public information. I googled my own name and the court stuff is online-- it is public information- it has my address and name and last name-- that is life....you are right-- people have their own issues- some people may talk about this--once i get charged in court next week- hope i don't go back to jail- there are serious misdemeanors- i had to get my finger prints done.... it says they need for me to be booked, photographed and finger prints down... one police officer told me that she didn't want me in jail-she has PTSD too- she is nice officer- she is not the officer who hurt me-- she told me she wanted me to ignore the people and the stuff online and get support for my PTSD and go forward and not let all this get me down. i have to calm myself down.
 
Please don't give up. The rabbit hole is deep but not impossible to climb out. I know it must loo...
MY PTSD-Depressed brain is going 100 miles per hour--it is racing mindset-- i need to go on walk or something -- i need to calm down before I do something stupid to myself in which I am sure in rational state mind i would regret in heartbeat
 
I don't see the point of going forward---you can say it is intense- it is not. I don't care. maybe someone will kill me and put me out of my misery. we as humans put our animals down when they are suffering, so why are humans force to live and suffer? it doesn't make any sense.
 
I don't see the point of going forward---you can say it is intense- it is not. I don't care. maybe...
I completely agree and have said the same thing . Too many years of abuse and neglect, 2 car accidents, a divorce after 22 yrs by the abuser and now I'm too sick with a lot of medical issues that no one will want me anyway. They run away when they see how sick I am. My kids won't even talk to me .
 
I completely agree and have said the same thing . Too many years of abuse and neglect, 2 car accidents,...
I have so many health issues too. I lost everything.... I can never go back to school. I can't work . I am in chronic pain everyday.........I am suffering....yes I am afraid to die. The reality is we are born into this world and we all face the same fate which is death. If I don't die today, tomorrow, etc. I am going to die anyways someday...... I am suffering........... I am. I have no lover, no partner, no animal companions, no family . I have two friends. I see one once a year --he lives out of state- I see my other friend once in a blue while... I have nothing to live for---nothing............. i have so much going against me. i am sick of the mental health professionals- you are just a number in this system and it is all about money.... that is the true. Hugs to you.
 
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