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I Have Been Having Flashbacks To When I Was Homeless. And It's Really Scaring Me!

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Kristina25

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I was homeless for like a year from June 1st, 2011 and May 23rd, 2012. I lived in a homeless shelter so I wasn't seriously living on the streets but it still really scarred me for life. I will never be the same again. I learned how to survive on the streets even though I didn't sleep on them. I ate at a food kitchen everyday. One building in the morning and another building at night (the one at night you had to have a ticket they passed out to get in). I had to be up at 6AM and out of the dorm area by 7AM unless I had chores which they had there.

I was always scared I was going to lose my bed because my case manager (the person that usually helps you in the process of finding a job) didn't believe that I was Mentally Ill and she didn't support the fact that I eventually applied for Social Security Disability Insurance. And she kept hounding me to keep looking for a job. And I told her I couldn't get one because nobody wanted to hire me because I was fired from 3 already. So I was constantly worried about that. They did random cubicle checks to make sure we didn't have food in our beds which we weren't supposed to have. We couldn't even have canned goods.

I got in fights with a couple of my cubicle mates (there were 2 people per cubicle). I got warnings about things a few times mostly over really stupid things. I almost got kicked out because they said I threatened someone else that slept in the dorm. But they thankfully dropped it. Which I'm glad cuz if they hadn't I would have had to go to the Womens overflow shelter where I had heard bad things about. Like people stabbing people in the showers. People stealing peoples shit there. That's why I'm glad I had a lock for my bed drawer at the shelter I was at because I had some valuable things. But that's all the really bad things that have scarred me that I can remember. The good things were that when I became homeless I got health insurance and found out in September that I actually had Mental Illness. I was then put on meds which was good. Cuz I needed it really bad.

I also got fillings filled that I needed filled at the dental clinic there and I also had my Wisdom teeth taken out. Which hurt like hell till they healed because they gave me basically just a regular old pain killer like Tylenol. A little stronger but not much. I went to college for 2 months while there because I was going to try and be a Vet Tech but that didn't work out because I needed way too much help with my homework and essays and it was stressing me out way too much so I had to drop out plus I went to a for profit school called Anthem College that was way too much money. They had little party type things outside that I went to where they had hot dogs and stuff and dancing and you could win things. The place I went to in the mornings on Mondays they had drawings to win things and twice I won Diamondbacks tickets.

I was officially diagnosed SMI there so I got more access to more services when I was there. I was able to go to this place that served breakfast lunch and dinner everyday that actually had decent food instead of donations. And they had coffee out to drink all the time and they had new word finds all the time you could do. They had a place to watch tv. And I could have gone there even after I got my housing but apparently I didn't go there enough so they un-enrolled me.and I couldn't be re-enrolled because I had to be homeless. There was constantly people from churches giving away clothes and deoderant and other things like that. There was a church that came on Sundays and served a lot of food to the homeless people there. People would come around with water bottles.

But the thing that scared me the most is that I knew if I got kicked out of C.A.S.S is what it was called where I stayed that I could get killed if I had to live on the streets because I wasn't going to go stay at the other womens overflow shelter. I knew I might get killed because we constantly heard gun shots in the little smoking area we had at night from this one preticuler spot. About 2 weeks ago I was going through some paperwork which is apparently where I also had a bunch of papers from the shelter about making sure my cubicle was tidy and it made me start thinking about it and I kept saying "No, no, no, no, no" because I didn't want to think about what I went through when I was homeless. And ever since I saw those papers I have been having flashbacks. And it's making me scared that I will lose my housing because I have my yearly inspection coming up on the 10th and right now my apartment is a mess so I am scared.
 
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I was homeless too as a kid for a year. I remember having to be out at 0700 and we weren't allowed back in until 2200. We had to take all of our stuff with us because you never knew if you were gonna get moved. I was homeless again about 2 years
later in the same situation. I also get very nervous about yearly inspection. I was actually moving up financially for a while, had a good job on the Learjet but lost it due to trauma, now I'm very close to the streets again.
 
Homelessness is scary. I have been on the edge and spent weeks where I had to sleep on friend's couches or in my car. I was never able to handle the chaos of a shelter. I was also lucky to only have endured weeks of having no home of my own. I'm impressed by your courage and determination. I'm glad you have pulled through.

Your psychiatrist sounds lazy. Putting a diagnosis in a chart is a key part of getting proper treatment by other providers and proper insurance coverage for any future treatment needs. If not, then why have any diagnosis at all? Docs could just prescribe meds and never bother with a diagnosis. Sigh. But I'm glad you are getting the help and support that you need and that you are here on the forum!
 
When I am scared/ stressed about something I try to do what I can to ease it a bit. You say your place is a mess, can you find someone to help you or do it bit by bit yourself? I know it may be hard to start it but it may bring down the panic and fear you have towards your oncoming inspection. Remember that inspectors will not judge you for living in a lived in home. They just want to make sure that all fittings and fixtures are how they should be and that you are keeping the place clean so as not to cause any problems with vermin etc.
I've been on the streets so I totally understand your fear. My ex landlord wishes she could find another tenant like myself as I was so paranoid of going back there that I worked hard at making sure she would not find a reason to get rid of me....that wasn't healthy for me anyway. I balanced out once I dealt with the fear. Hopefully yours will ease with help and support. Just remember, you are doing well to have come from where you were at.
 
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