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Discussion in 'Depression & Suicidality' started by Erics, Jan 12, 2018 at 6:50 PM.
I think what needs to happen is that I need to get my emotions sorted, and sorted out. Like she said; that's correct. It's not an issue of traveling, being here or there. It's my emotions, that's the problem and has always been a problem since my depression etc. and trauma. I have a lot of potential, skills, and abilities...if I could just put it to work in life.
What I have to do is work on emotional regulation, that's hard to do...I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, there's a group that meets every week at a church for ptsd. But that's the main issue. It's dogged me my entire life after it occurred. And it happened right during my developmental years and time. That's what I think... sighing. I have to do it. I will do it.
Maybe I missed it - is there a barrier with you moving overseas, besides the normal complications of citizenship/visa?
@Erics please log in to your member account to post replies. Thanks.
I hate to tell you but everywhere has problems. My husband is from Ireland. He was jumped by a group if people and left unconscious when he was 16.
Maybe you need to travel THIS country more and see what SHE has to offer before assuming it's so bad?
I don't know why I have to repeat myself so many times, did anyone go back and read the original post? I said it may have to do with my own problems, now I freely admit that; can't you understand as I have stated - that to me it holds special place in my mind? Why would that make you so defensive... I don't understand, please try and understand, I am trying to work out my issues; they are not your issues. They don't have to make sense to you, and I'm not interested in getting in a debate, please ... okay?
Then why don't you do that and see where you stand after that. Buy again not everywhere in America is like San Antonio
I posted other posts but it was under a guest name by accident, apparently and can't be retrieved. They had a lot of info on them but forgot what I wrote. Instead, I'll just have to try to remember. A lot of what I deal with, in some way or another is inextricably linked to my dad, and how he raised me. It's personal, but he was very different...strict, rigid and extremely controlling in his mindset and beliefs; this limited him and stifled all emotional expression and feeling; everything was work..even when we went out to 'have fun' it was to be done properly and stressful. He was always like this, I would say pathologically perfectionistic ...and it made me sad and as a kid it took away a lot of; it made a sadness in my heart when I saw him, it was a strained and painful relationship. I never communicated with him about anything really...he caused me a great deal, a lot of pain. I blocked it out and got used to it but it has been with me my ever since I was a kid. This is deeply personal stuff. My heart grieved and I hurt for him, but he hurt me every time he was around me... so I avoided him eventually during my teen years. And I developed an antagonistic relationship with him, I can remember he was never good for me or there for me to express myself. I had to always listen and never was allowed to express myself. It was the opposite of how it should be; parents should help children express themselves and listen to what they had to say. It was opposite, and that's probably to this day why I have emotion regulation problems and am unable to be normal. I was treated as if I wasn't supposed to have emotions - at all. Can't express to you what that did to me... I'm stunted inside for sure, but I'll get on. It's why I feel in pain every single day of my life. I never really got to have an adolescence. I remember I started to feel myself fade away sometime around mid adolescence, that's when the last trace of me went... And I became a bitter, depressed and confined and boxed....trapped in stifled perfectionism just like him. It is like he converted me. People may think I'm an asshole or don't understand it or think I come off as cold or callous or something on here, etc., but there are reasons for it, there are reasons for everything; nothing is as it appears to be...
that's the sad thing. I'm a human person trapped underneath this all and the traits that people see often end up perpetuating and continuing the cycle of what was did to me. Now I know that people feel towards me what I felt towards my Dad when I was a kid; I remember that feeling. I loved my dad, but he hurt me greatly and gravely... The sad thing is, most people with this, they'll go on their whole lives trying to control and stuff their emotions down away just as they are taught..... how sad is that? It breaks my heart to think about it. To be trapped and damaged and that's all you know. That's a damned saddest thing I can think of.
I cry for him - because that's where my feelings lay, my real feelings. There is a tremendous grief down there; at the bottom of my heart, for all the things I couldn't express. All the ways I missed him. All of the things I missed out on being a teenager and how in college I couldn't form friendships or relationships because I didn't have any sense of myself at all - because I couldn't ever express anything, but was to do what I was told all of the time. How sad? I grieved for him even though he wasn't around, though he was. It hurts. But it's real. Pain is the pathway to true freedom like a tunnel leading to daylight. It mustn't be avoided and pain is purging.
I liked Turkey for many reasons. But it reminded me of warmth, the people were nice and warm, friendly......Mediterannean sunshine and diet, beaches...laid back easy lifestyle. Turks took it easy, if it were not for that segment of part of my life, I don't think I'd have survived my childhood. It laid a balance in the direct opposite direction of my father. Even after we lived there for 4 years, (we went back two times...we all enjoyed it so much) we all came back different. My father came back different, he laid back and chilled out after that and I had never seen him like that before. Shortly after that, he took a stressful position back at the Pentagon and things were as usual; he died a few years later.
I never got to tell him these things. I never got to cry to him and tell him these things I could never tell him how I feel I just went on hating him and acting like he taught me because it was in me. I'm crying now because I realize that to cry is the only way through myself; to feel pain is the answer. It was what I was avoiding all this time... and it's what I need to do.
This just makes me want to go back to Turkey all the more. I feel closer to myself now... thank you for listening. I needed to get this out. Believe me, this is only the beginning.
@Erics It seems to me, that your issue is within your trauma and your relationship with your father in the past, and NOT with where you live. I think that you are confused on just what it is that’s bothering you. To me it sounds like unresolved issues rather than place of residency... JMO!!!!
I think it could be interesting for you (if you can afford/schedule it) to get back to Turkey, just for a bit, and notice what it's like for you now. It would help you uncover how much of the attachment you have to europe is really more to do with your experience of your family, being overseas vs. in US - and how much of it is truly, you feel more at home there.
It's a thing worth figuring out. You can figure it out without traveling, probably, but traveling might make it clearer, faster. Is it an option for you, to travel?
I agree with everything everyone is saying. @Erics is suffering from old, unresolved trauma. Throughout a life of stress with a perfectionist father, of course he is in pain. But then, respite came during a visit to Turkey. Finally, some light where there had only been darkness. I can completely identify with him. I literally ran away from America to Europe. I was never coming back to the hell I lived through. And it was great. All the things he says about Europe are true. Obviously, there are horrible people everywhere and I ended up being kidnapped. All that did was convince me that I’m doomed. I didn’t get to come home longing for the initial contentment I felt traveling. So I’ve never gone back. There is a vibe there that feels so different from America. You always see families together walking in the parks. All generations. And everyone wore nice well made clothing. They were kind and just seemed so content in their life. I would love to live in Portugal. The kindest place I visited. But, it was a smoke screen. I’ve learned on this site, that PTSD sufferers in many countries don’t have proper access to treatment. Socialized medicine has drawbacks. I know I have the best hospitals in the world in Boston. I have spoken with Bessel van der Kolk, probably the best mind in the world of PTSD. He trained my therapist. I have so much to be thankful here.
@Erics i wish that you could find a trauma specialist. It doesn’t much matter where you live until you can resolve your anger and other difficulties. It can get better. My father was a monster. But I am no longer paralyzed by the depression I had over his abuse. It takes a lot of therapy with the right therapist. These things you say about not having friends, of not knowing who you are and in general are not thriving. But you deserve to know happiness, and I know if you set your heart and soul to it, you can also have contentment. Nothing changes in a vacuum. I have only a few good friends. I think slot of us on this forum struggle with the same things as you. And I’m just saying that I relate to how you felt free in aturkey. I get it. But as they say, wherever you go, there you are. If you don’t have insurance can you get Medicaid? Community mental health centers usually have a sliding scale.it does take some effort on your part to find treatment. You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.
There’s something so special about traveling in foreign countries and seeing the ancient ruins and just so different architecture. But we romanticize it, because the fact of the matter is that everybody wishes they lived in America.
Maybe you didn't just like turkey for the place, maybe you liked it because it changed your dad.
People like that are very emotionally unavailable. That's hard on a kid. All business and no heart.