E
Eku
Speaking about my childhood with my psychologist, I shared with her how my family would engage in frequent arguments. I was struggling with CSA and they did not know for my "acting out" was masked by being a rebellious teen. I don't blame them, I was a horror to deal with then and they could never have known why. Arguments were about anything and everything, coming home late, going to school, not going to school, sleeping, or not, just revolving around really shitty everyday stupid stuff that I did.
I did not tell her that these arguments often lead to beatings
(I would always want to talk back just to keep things going to the stage of a trashing).
I did not tell her that during those arguments,
I had often wished with all my heart that I would get beaten.
I did not tell her that during those beatings,
I had often wished with all my heart that I would get beaten senseless.
I could not tell her I wanted to be beaten senseless and dead.
So I only blurted that I miss the arguments.
and that every beating lead to a full blown emotional meltdown/flashback.
Now as an adult I know that these wouldn't happen again and I'm actually sad about it.
I want to get beaten.
I want to be dead.
I did not tell her that these arguments often lead to beatings
(I would always want to talk back just to keep things going to the stage of a trashing).
I did not tell her that during those arguments,
I had often wished with all my heart that I would get beaten.
I did not tell her that during those beatings,
I had often wished with all my heart that I would get beaten senseless.
I could not tell her I wanted to be beaten senseless and dead.
So I only blurted that I miss the arguments.
and that every beating lead to a full blown emotional meltdown/flashback.
Now as an adult I know that these wouldn't happen again and I'm actually sad about it.
I want to get beaten.
I want to be dead.