• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I miss them all - weird as it seems

Status
Not open for further replies.
E

Eku

Speaking about my childhood with my psychologist, I shared with her how my family would engage in frequent arguments. I was struggling with CSA and they did not know for my "acting out" was masked by being a rebellious teen. I don't blame them, I was a horror to deal with then and they could never have known why. Arguments were about anything and everything, coming home late, going to school, not going to school, sleeping, or not, just revolving around really shitty everyday stupid stuff that I did.

I did not tell her that these arguments often lead to beatings
(I would always want to talk back just to keep things going to the stage of a trashing).
I did not tell her that during those arguments,
I had often wished with all my heart that I would get beaten.
I did not tell her that during those beatings,
I had often wished with all my heart that I would get beaten senseless.
I could not tell her I wanted to be beaten senseless and dead.

So I only blurted that I miss the arguments.
and that every beating lead to a full blown emotional meltdown/flashback.

Now as an adult I know that these wouldn't happen again and I'm actually sad about it.
I want to get beaten.
I want to be dead.
 
I went through a period where I wanted to fight all the time. It wasn’t about hurting others, it was about getting the crap beaten out of myself. The desire faded as I healed.
 
I’m hearing a lot of shame in your post. And I’m sorry, because you have nothing to be ashamed of.

When you’re ready to talk with your T more about it, try and do that. In the meantime, know that what you’re feeling? You’re not alone with that. Try and be gentle with yourself when you can.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top