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I Need To Vent And Be Heard

  • Thread starter Deleted member 30956
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Deleted member 30956

Yesterday evening was the first time I saw my abuser (father who molested me) in close to a year, perhaps. It was through Skype. I needed help with paying for a certificate course (I'm recently unemployed and live below the poverty line), and had called him earlier in the middle of a massive panic attack which had to do with my financial worries. He agreed to cover the cost, though I wonder whether I should have declined the offer. He said he feels obliged to help me with education which could improve my situation, but doesn't think he should be obliged to help with rent or anything like that. He doesn't know I have PTSD and take medicine and have trouble functioning. He encouraged me to look for temporary work anywhere I could, like the local Starbucks. I said that I'd feel ashamed to be working for Starbucks at 35. His response was "I think you should feel ashamed that you're 35 and jobless and in such situation. When I see your caller ID, my heart freezes with terror, because I know that you are calling with problems."
It cut to the bone. I wanted to smash the f*cking screen.
He makes at least 90k a year.
He's a criminal who got away with a crime and he has the guts to f*cking insult me?
I wish I had other means of obtaining funding for my course, as being connected to him in any way, monetary or not, is like being encapsulated in a ball of swamp...
Today I can barely function and my deep instinct is to console myself in video games (this is how I survived the abuse). Tomorrow will be better. I won't have to see his face.
 
Hi Salad.
Just replying to let you know I feel your pain with this.
I suffered abuse as a child and can relate.
Is there somewhere you could go for financial advice at all? I dont know how it works in the states but in uk we have CAB and sometimes they can also point you in the right direction for help with other pains you are having to deal with.
Im around to listen or chat.
If you ever wish
S
 
I came to a realization yesterday. Or lets just say I openly told myself something I've understood for a long time.

There are people that are almost an alien species. Their DNA may be the same as ours (yet, I wonder) but they are so very different. Stupid, mean, and absolutely deaf, dumb, and blind to anything anyone else feels. They can't be taught, reasoned with, and there really is no point in attempting to have a human relationship with.

I'm sorry you had to endure this. I'm mad too. All the opposition to public assistance rests on the idea that people should rely on family when in need. Some of us don't really have family.
 
Why should you take anything a child molester says to heart, hon?
Sexually abusing your own kid is WAY more shameful than having to work at Starbucks when you are 35.

Maybe if he had not messed you up you would not be struggling so hard? You think he ever thinks that?
No, because he probably thinks he never does anything wrong.

You are a far better person than he will ever be.
 
((((((((((Salad))))))))))))
My heart aches with you - my father and yours sound like twins.
I'm so sorry...

I talked a lot with a T who had the task of working with offenders. They never came voluntarily to her - they were court-ordered. She said to never expect to be able to confront an abuser and have them understand the damage they've done to you. She said it would be rare for you to receive an apology, and if you do, it will be surrounded with excuses, justification for what he did, and will still twist everything around to blame you. You have to be very stable and have good therapeutic support, if you're going to dialog with your father about his abusive treatment. If you are fragile, it isn't safe for you to open your heart and discuss your PTSD with him. This will enable him to continue to hurt you, psychologically. She said fathers who abuse their own children have no capacity for empathy.

Please don't expect him to recognize and acknowledge the damage he's done to you. It is rare that he would feel guilty, and even if he does, he won't inconvenience himself to do what is right: to pay for your therapy or help much. It isn't fair, but abusers, even when confronted, still manage to be their own hero and are constantly shifting how they see their actions as twistedly justified - at your expense.

He won't help. He will continue to hurt you - if no longer physically, by cutting you down: making you feel like nothing while elevating himself above you. He will always want to win, in his eyes. It still doesn't matter to him if he hurts you.

As unfair as it is, you must be able to create a new, and healthier life, without expecting or hoping for his repentance or help. You need to let go of any fantasy or hope that he will change into a good, responsible father who loves you that you so desperately need. You will not find it in the twisted, sick, flawed, abusive man who fathered you. He is not capable of it.

I hope you are in intensive counseling. You need good people standing with you, helping you make a new life - apart from your abuser. Please make sure you have experienced people advising you and guiding you. Women's shelters, Victim Assistance centers often have free programs to help women who were incested. They also have advocates who can help you, at no cost, in the court system, if you decide to go that way. (I didn't. but it might be right for you.)

There is more, Soul-Sister... If you understand some of how the mind of an abuser works, and the reality of his emotional deficit, it will make it much easier for you to let go of him. move on and heal into new life. Reality helps you find a new way. Magical thinking (someday he will change into the father I need) will keep you helpless, dependent and trapped.

I hope this helps. What I've said here doesn't come close to the fullness of what the specialist taught me, but I hope this will help you protect your heart and spirit from emotional abuse from your father.
With caring and deep concern for you,
Love, Deer
 
I can relate. They don't realize how hard it is to reach out to a parent (abuser) for help in desperate times (even when they know you have PTSD and other serious issues from their abuse.) Even if just over phone or email....how absolutely draining it is. I've emailed, "why can't you just be a dad for once?"

Take care of yourself first Salad.

Today I can barely function and my deep instinct is to console myself

Can relate to that....console yourself. I wish you the best.
 
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I'm 45 and waiting to see about disability but no matter what, a job is a job. Let's turn this around and make you realize your self worth.
First of all, don't go back to your abuser for anything; things can wait except for your sanity. Take care of you first !!!!
Second, have no contact with your abuser, even if he makes a lot of money. If he flaunts in your face, tell him to shove it up his keyhole. He molested you. He is not worth the money or the time spent on.
Third, as yourself if your certification can wait until you get up enough money? I think it could.

Hugs and love, Heather
 
...Actually, I don't think having to work at any low-level job is somehow demeaning. I find that a rather weird way of thinking, myself.
Any job is worth taking pride in.
It is frustrating to work hard and not get paid enough to pay your bills on, though?

( BIG fan of indoor plumbing here. Lack of indoor plumbing is a real drag.)

I personally care VERY little about what snotty people think of me. I advise that attitude for everyone. There's amazing people in all walks of life, you know?

You are one of them.

Your survival is worth taking pride in. YOU are worth taking pride in.
 
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I think working at Starbucks is pretty awesome, both as a customer and former worker there. There's no shame in that. It's doing a valuable job, anyone not appreciating it is not worth your attention.

That disability judgment coming from an abuser? He doesn't get a say, by being abuser. His opinion on basically anything you is going to be skewed. Disregard & discard at will.
 
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...Actually, I don't think having to work at any low-level job is somehow demeaning. I find that a rath...
That is very correct. The amount of personal wealth someone has, and their social "status", mean absolutely nothing. A huge bank account, degrees hanging on a wall, and high paying job do not make someone a decent human being. It is their inner character that matters. I would much rather date a waitress working for peanuts or someone on disability than waste my time on a shallow, selfish bitch that wears a power suit and drives a Mercedes.
 
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