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I Never Grieved After My Wife Died

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Josh77, Dec 9, 2006.

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  1. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    This past Thursday was the 2nd anniversary of my wife's death, and i still haven't fully grieved, yet. i've been blocking it out for the past 2 years, and i notice the pain coming back when someone talks about it in detail to me;like my family talking about that horrible night... or just sharing with me a memory of my wife. Her death did NOT cause my PTSD, but it did make my symptoms worse. The physical attack on me by 8 people caused my PTSD... although I felt helpless both times, the symptoms started when i was attacked 4 years ago. :boxem: :stupid:
    Anyway, i don't know how to start the grieving process; especially this long after her death. I never got to say goodbye to her. I never got to apologize for things that i did wrong to her. i have gaps in my memory of that night... i don't know why!! Is there something that painful(more painful than finding her lifeless on the floor) that i'm subconciously blocking out? I don't know. I guess the purpose of this post is to ask if anyone knows how to start the grieving process this long after my loss. I think that it will also help my PTSD if i do finish grieving. It feels as though i was in such horrible pain for the first 2 weeks :crybaby: after she died, and then i started blocking out the pain... NOW i'm just NUMB!!:poke:
     
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  3. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    Hey Josh, I'm really sorry that you have suffered the loss of your wife.

    There is no hard and fast rule for "the proper time" to grieve.
    I'm really glad that you are now in a place to notice these oncoming emotions and are able to indentify the issue.

    It sounds like you are ready to get started, so here's a tip that may help you begin. Sit down and write a letter to your wife. Sounds easy but it can be hard to get started.
    Dear (wife),
    I love you and miss you. Last week (_________) happened and I wish you were here to share it with me.
    etc.

    Just write to your hearts' content. Don't be afraid to cry, scream, be angry with her for leaving you....

    You don't have to share the letters with anyone if you don't want to.
    The next step would be to contact a grief support group in your area. The hospital may be a good place to start.

    Take it slow, be kind to yourself.

    ~Boo-Damphir
     
  4. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    Thank you! I knew if i reached out for help, my question would be answered here. Thanks again.
    Have a blessed day,
    Josh
     
  5. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Josh, another idea would be to take out pictures of her (make sure you have a nice quiet setting, eat beforehand, be comfortable) and with each picture take your time to remember what you were doing, what she said etc... Feel each moment. I would suggest having a PJ night and doing this. Take your time on it though. As Boo said, there is no hard fast rule for this.

    Bec
     
  6. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    There is no time limit to grieve. Many of us are still grieving for deaths that had happened in childhood. I did not grieve for my birth dad's death until I was thirteen. He died when I was four. I did exactly what Boo suggested. I wrote him a letter. It's helped tremendously.
     
  7. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    I don't think I've grieved for my family either, Josh. It's been over 5 years in my case. I agree with what everyone's saying, no time limit on the grieving. Boo's suggestion is really good. Take care.
     
  8. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Josh,

    It took me three years to grieve for my father's death. After he died, it hurt so bad that it was just easier to be numb.

    Everyone has given wonderful advice to you. If I may add something-you say you never got to say goodbye (I didn't either) and you want to apologize for things you did. My suggestion would be to talk to you wife. Out-loud or in your head (either way it doesn't matter), but tell her goodbye, that you love and miss her and you're sorry, etc. It's difficult to do, but you may find that once you start a lot of things will come out that you didn't even know where there. At least they did for me.

    Just give yourself time to let your emotions do what they need to do. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to rant and rave and holler...then have at it. Everyone grieves differently and there's no set way to do it. Just make sure to take care of yourself (eating, sleeping, etc.) while you're grieving.

    I've found that since I've let myself grieve, a lot of the good memories have begun to come back through and the bad memories (my father being so ill at the end of his life) are fading to the background.

    (((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))
     
  9. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Josh, I am sorry to hear that you lost your beloved wife.

    I lost my father 15 years ago and I still grieve his death. The grief I feel now is not as severe as it once was, but it is still there. I still cry about it. I still get angry that he's not here to help me (he was the only one in the family that I felt cared for and about me).

    So, take your time. And don't feel pressured to get over the grieving process by a certain time (and deck anyone who tries to tell you that you should be over it by now!!).
     
  10. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    Thank you for the great advice and concern, everyone!!
    I'm sorry for your losses, also. I'm ready to take your advice and start the process; i'm just afraid of what i will remember(you know, the things that have been blocked out... especially the gaps in my memory of the night she died!!) I have to at least start the process, though... or i will not be able to move on!
     
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