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General I S Anyone Else Daughter Of Combat Ptsd And Wife Of Combat Ptsd?

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Inbetween

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I will try to be as concise as possible. Father: 4 tours Vietnam, combat injuries diagnosed 100% P & T VA for injuries and combat PTSD 2000. He was basically indigent and my husband and I worked with VA to get him into his own home etc. I grew up with just him and two sisters our Mom took off when we were very small. Over the course of my childhood he basically imploded and ended up self treating with alcohol and drugs. I have worked very hard on forgiveness. Husband: 5 tours OIF/OEF (4 Iraq + 1 Afghanistan). Diagnosed combat PTSD in 2012. Still active duty Army on meds + behavioral therapy set to retire in November. We have been married 21 years and he has been in Army 22.

Y'all, between the two of them I am about to lose my own mind. If one of them is not in crisis the other is. My Dad is in WA state and we are stationed here in GA.

This week my Dad had to have his foot amputated at VA hospital and is in rehab at nursing home in Seattle. They may take his leg to the knee but waiting to see if this is enough surgery. (degenerative ulcers from diabetes on a combat wounded leg with bad scarring etc).

I NEED to go to WA to help figure out my Dad's long term rehab care. But as luck would have it my husband is in the field and doesn't come out until late this week. So, I have to decide in the next 72 hours when and for how long to go to WA.

But the only time I have left my husband alone in the past 4 years for 4 days did not go well. Whatever bad coping mechanism you can imagine, he did it. In four days he caused so much damage to a 21 year marriage I am still trying to recover from it financially and emotionally. So there ya go.

I do not know what to do. I don't know where my responsibility for one ends and the other begins. I find myself ready to spontaneously combust at all times. My husband wants us to move back to WA to care for him when we retire in Nov. I realize it makes me sound like the antichrist but I can barely deal with one soldier with "issues". The idea of living in a house with two of them, makes me want to walk right into the ocean and let myself drown.

Is anyone else here sandwiched like this? Dad combat PTSD and husband combat PTSD?

I clearly can't even really talk to my husband about the full extent of my anxiety dealing with this because he only hears: he has hurt me and now I can't trust him even to go to WA to take care of my war hero Dad. As you can imagine, he doesn't need any more guilt than he already packs around on a day to day basis.

I feel like I am the middle of the rope in a combat PTSD tug of War or working in a combat hospital doing triage at all times. Running to which of them needs me the most at any given time.
 
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I cannot relate to your story, but I know how frustrating it must be for you. You definitely cannot take care of others, if you aren't taking care of yourself first. Have you considered couples counseling? That way you can communicate how you're feeling with your hubby and there will be someone there to help moderate. Also, dedicating a day or two for yourself I think would help. Like every Monday afternoon, you go to the park and read, or go get your nails done, whatever you enjoy doing...
 
We go to couples counseling and he goes to behavioral therapy and I go to my own behavioral therapy. We are counseled to the 9s times 4 years.
 
I'm not trying to be argumentative and i thank you for your thoughts. We do everything you are supposed to do. Yes, I garden. I went to grad school. I do my own thing as well as try to help them. But I am getting the point I feel like: I. Just. Can. Not. any more. They diagnosed me with caregiver burnout two years ago. I'm trying to do the right thing by both of them, but there is only one of me.
I guess I am just trying to find anyone in the world to relate to. The Army being a generational family affair I can't possibly be the only person on the planet "child of AND spouse of" dealing with this after how long these OIF/OEF wars have drug on. But I can't find anyone else, so I maybe I am.
 
But I can't find anyone else, so I maybe I am.

I know loads of people in real life who are. In my own life I'm daughter-of & the vet (and also single-divorced), so that's a different thing than you're looking for. But there are a few people on the forum who meet the bill. @Sighs leaps to mind, but I believe there are a few others, as well.
 
I was going to tag @Sighs too. She's the daughter of a combat vet and her partner is one as well. She's in Oz though, so there is a time difference.

Compassion fatigue is no joke. I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it @Inbetween
 
G'day! Finally made it to the thread! 10.15am on Tues morning here.

First off @Inbetween - I'm sure you are not alone. My father and his three brothers are all vets of a little known African civil war and my family was on the losing side. No VA when you lose. No treatment, assistance or understanding. All 4 self medicated with alcohol. Two of the three physically abused their wives. One physically abused their children as well. I moved out of home at age 17 before I had finished high school. I've never moved back in no matter how desperate I've been.

I'm fortunate because my parents are still together and my mum bears the brunt of my dad. (I just bear the brunt of my vet. ;))

I have an 18 year old daughter living in another state. From time to time I go to see her. I have discovered that my vet really does not cope well if I am away for more than 3 nights. I feel bad about my visits to my daughter always being so fleeting. But I know he needs me more than she does. She would not agree with that statement. Sigh!

Is there anyway to deal with your dad's stuff by telephone etc? Or do you need to see facilities etc? If so, what is the absolute minimum you need to be away for? Is there anyone who can keep an eye on hubby while you are gone?

Hugs if you accept them!
 
@sigh I am hoping that is how the tagging works in this. Those are all great points. I am flying in and out in a 5 day span during the duty week decided today. It is the weekend alone to sit and mix his meds with alcohol which can lead to who knows what at this point that scares me. He hasn't had a bad episode in 2 years and is actively doing treatment and meds, but I haven't left him alone at all in those 2 years either. So in this case we are in that area where my anxiety is probably more than his anxiety.
He doesn't come out of the field until late this week so I am hoping a) I can make freezer foods etc enough for when I am gone before I leave b) leaving soon enough will give less time for some altercation with my husband when anxiety gets the best of one of us. He wants me to go and has been on the phone with my Dad even from the field. But he can barely let me go to the grocery store by myself without calling me 5 times so I am sure it will be a long nerve racking experience for all involved.
The social worker thinks I should be able to complete all the paperwork and run around in 1 work week.
I leave red eye Monday. Wish me luck.
 
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