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I saw someone i don't like

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Snowflake

MyPTSD Pro
I went shopping with my daughter, and looked in a mirror in a store. (not intentionally because I hate mirrors) I saw a person that I hate. I saw a fat, ugly, disgusting, dirty slob. Causes me to go into severe depression to the point of wanting to kill her.
 
I went shopping with my daughter, and looked in a mirror in a store. (not intentionally because I hat...

@Snowflake darling even if you are as vile in appearance as you try to tell us it doesn't mean you are undeserving of love and happiness. I'm pretty sure you are seeing something in the mirror that is not a true reflection but your perception of how you look. Depression is shitty and I'm sick of it too and I want to give up on a daily basis but you do not deserve to feel like this. You deserve love and happiness just like all human beings.
 
Aw @Snowflake , you are not 'fat', ugly, disgusting nor dirty (unless you were out working in a yard ;) ).

But i understand. :hug:

Perhaps start with the fact you have a daughter that no doubt loves you, that atm you can spend some time with; possibly a SO, and oodles of support here to work on the inner critic.

FWIW, I have felt, for example, the same inside when my eye was stright or crossed (surgery, then goes back). It comes from inside out.

If you want to change your weight, even a small step every day can be celebrated.

Also, fwiw, oddly being disturbed by it is a good sign you want more, or value yourself to notice. It sounds contradictory, but there's a lower level to sink to (because I have) of even greater self-hatred & self-indifference, wherein no matter how you look it still = self-rejection as the core feels self-rejection-worthy.

Hope that makes sense! Plese be kind to yourself! :hug:
 
I saw a person that I hate. I saw a fat, ugly, disgusting, dirty slob. Causes me to go into severe depression to the point of wanting to kill her.

I do this. So I DO target the shit I don't like for destruction. Shrug. But I figure I may as well run with some symptoms.

Dirty? I can destroy that. Water & soap.
Slob? I can destroy that. Square things away.
Fat? I can destroy that. Exercise.
Ugly? IF I care, and in most ways I don't, I can destroy that. Plastic surgery.
Disgusting? Needs more data. Specifically if the disgust is still present AFTER those things I've targeted to change have actually been changed.

Only some of the things on my I-Hate-Myself-List have quick & easy fixes. Hitting those up daily (or as often as I can become aware of them and take them out) makes me feel better. But many of the things on my personal list will flat out take time. Like I've been saving for surgery for years (I'm ugly as sin, and I really don't care in MOST ways, but there are some I do care about, and they're going down. We live in an age where science & modern medicine makes it possible, so damn straight). Then life happens, and poof, there go my savings and I have to start over. Or I get sick for months, and I'm all fat & weak & have to start over, there, too :banghead:

But no matter what it is? If I actually hate it? I CAN change it. Can't change the past, and there are things I hate about my past, but I can change what I do in the present. And everything else? Tick, tick, boom! Item by item. That's a goals list. I hate it? Outstanding. Target acquired.
 
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I like the whole idea of watching weight here because of the side effects of meds. a lot of us have an issue with that. I'm only 25lbs over weight which feels like no big deal because when I first got medicated I shot up to 60lbs overweight in 3 months.

But just recently someone had a mirror in an office and I didnt know, sitting on the sofa there I glance up to see myself look like a big puddle on it. It truly is hideous to unexpectedly see yourself sitting down. The sinking feeling of being instantaneously worthless based on that reflection was horrible.

One thing that makes me feel better is something I'll never understand, I used to work out obsessively and spend a fortune on clothes, botox, fillers, not proud of all that but its true. I had the full high maintenance BS going on in my 30's. I also was never treated like I was particularly special while doing any of that.

Somewhere about 4 years into my nervous breakdown I'd gotten into a pattern of sweats and t-shirts no or little make up and I have curly hair, I let it turn into a long mass of dreadlocks. During that time complete strangers would sometimes just casually tell me in stores or coffee shops, the laundry mat etc....that I was beautiful.

At first I thought it was just part of the process of losing my mind, which I was already knee deep in. I definitely could eliminate the possibility that my inner beauty was shining through, because I was a void of darkness and despair at the time.

That experience just gave me the knowledge that it is absolutely true, no matter what, that we can never know what other people are seeing when they look at us.
 
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I had to see my Nephrolgost on Friday. Started seeing him in 2009 and haven't been back in a few yrs. one of the comments he made was about my weight gain. ASSHOLE just had to point out that I've gained 28 pounds since 2009. REALLY??? Like I didn't know this!!!

Anyways, I'm not happy with the reflection in the mirror either, but I just keep saying.... "Ahhhhh. Who gives a rats ass. I live alone, I have no one to impress and wouldn't want anyone to impress either. So basically I'll just have another piece of chocolate." I'm overweight by about 20 pounds and at my age.. Who gives a rats ass. I repeat that mantra daily, sometimes hourly if needed....
 
I had to see my Nephrolgost on Friday. Started seeing him in 2009 and haven't been back in a few yrs. o...

He's a doctor and I actually applaud him for saying something as that's his job. Most doctors shove the weight issues of their patients under the rug. Maybe if more doctors were able to say these things to their patients then we wouldn't be in a country where most people are either overweight or obese. Ignoring health issues only make them worse, but this is what doctors on whole have resorted to. It suxxxxxx to have the weight thing pointed out, I know! God knows I know------but I rather have a pro-active doctor as opposed to one who won't address very real health concerns simply because they don't want to hurt my feelings.
 
OP

:hug:

Have you ever watched my big fat fabulous life on TLC? I think Whitney is an incredible inspiration as she spreads the word about body acceptance no matter what your size. Maybe check it out? I know the show has helped me immensely!
 
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