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General I Think I Am In A Shut Out.

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When this sort of thing happens do you just wait for him . ...or do you move on as if he's done and...

Only you can decide if you want to wait. I'm being shut out again right now. It's been zero contact for 3 weeks. I wasn't going to wait the last time because he actually broke it off, but then unexpectedly texted me.

I then decided to wait because of our situation. We are long distance. We dated on and off for 2 years in our 20s and now we're in our 50s. I think he feels a certain amount of trust toward me because of our history. It works for me right now because our situation is complicated, living so far apart. We both have jobs that prevent a move, although I would've if he wanted me too. I'm a state employee and have a lot to lose if I did that, so I guess I see it as karma or something, it wasn't meant to be. I'm an introvert, so dating new people at my age isn't something I'm terribly comfortable with.

I guess it also has to do with the way I grew up. My Dad goes MIA as well. Even when my parents were still married, he would get angry about something and not talk to us for months. He didn't speak to his sister and mother for years. When somebody shuts me out, I can often shut down my feelings for them. It's a little harder with my sufferer because I want to be with him and I want to be there for him.

When he's MIA I try not to think about him romantically. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, but when my thoughts get more intimate, romantic or sad I just put on music that distracts me. I try to make a lot of social plans. It was hard last year because I lost a lot of friends, but it's gotten a little better since I moved and met new people.

I guess what I'm saying is that I have my reasons and my ways of dealing with it. Maybe I should move on but I'm not ready to at this time. Only you can decide what is right for you. It's ok to move on. You have to take care of yourself. Sufferers are taking care of themselves in the best way they know how by shutting us out.
 
The hardest part for me right now is not knowing for sure if it's a shut out, or if he's actually done this time. I have asked this question to him directly and I get no response. Crickets.

Am I stupid to take this as an indication that it might not actually be over? If he can't tell me it's over, maybe that means he's not sure or he doesn't want to make that decision right now. I haven't reached my waiting limit yet, but feel like I'm getting close. We're nearing 4 weeks now. This is the 3rd time. The other times lasted around 5 weeks.
 
The hardest part for me right now is not knowing for sure if it's a shut out, or if he's actually done this...
I've never asked. I've just learned about it on here. This time he went exactly 4 weeks and then the contact was limited. He told me about an ailment and then didn't answer my question about it. So I basically wished him well in a way that he didn't have to respond. During the middle of the night he answered me. I didn't respond because there was nothing more for me to say.

I guess I never believe it's over because it's happened enough times now, and it hasn't been over. But I still feel like it is whenever it happens. The other thing is, in my case we are long distance but we've known each other for over 30 years. Even though we've always been long distance, it's created a kind of trust, or safe place in spite of what happens.

I don't know what our future is. Sometimes I miss him immensely, and I fantasize about being with him. Other times I think I should just move on and be with someone that will actually be there. For now it's one day at a time.
 
@SummerGirl @Glara @tlc Can I ask you, what i...
@tobunika my post here is two shutouts ago! Well, really only a little one recently. But yeah, the one from this posting lasted five weeks. Not easy! And like @Glara I think it always may be the last time. I also thought he was really done but I just didn't want to give up.

I will say for my relationship currently, he has gotten a wee bit better about maintaining some communication with me when he gets upset or overwhelmed. I think he's working on it in his own way. But we are currently in an on again phase after working out some kinks.

It has been helpful for him, me and our relationship when I back off and let him be for a while.

What's going on with you now?
 
@tlc My guy is avoiding to meet me in person, whole December, but he is writing every day.
When I said I miss him and want to meet him, he ignored that. He even wrote that I' ve got a terrible taste if I like somebody like him. After few messages he said that maybe this was his way to beg me for saying that I like him and people use to do things like that.
I am not proud, but after that I wrote that I am sad, he no longer likes me and doesn't want to meet me. He responded that it's not true.
He didn't say he likes me or misses me or wants to meet, only that my statement is not true.
 
Seems like he was asking for you to tell him that you really like him and you don't have bad taste. Have you seen pictures of him? It doesn't sound like you're in a shut out. If it were me, I would not try to get him to say that he likes you and misses you. It seems like he wants to be sure about meeting you and that he is insecure also.
 
We use to see each other everyday in work (till October, now he's waiting for new contract) and at least once a week after work. Four days in week, after work, he stays in "sanatorium" , there are group therapies, strict program, no phone or internet connection and people with similar problems, so I understand his free time is very limited. (We've got the private relationship for 12months).
 
My guy is sort of in a shut out. It was worse until I told him my health issues. Now he's texting every few days to ask how I'm feeling. He's being supportive at a time when he's really down. I keep wanting to visit but I can't until all of my stuff is straightened out. I'm also not sure that he could deal with me being there. If history is any example he'll suddenly pop back in and want to see me. Right now I appreciate the fact that he's being supportive because I know he's really depressed.

As far as a definition of our "relationship". There isn't one. We have great sex, when he's able to be with me in person. We are friends who supports each other, I'm surprised at how well he's supporting me. But he doesn't want a relationship. So he contacts me when he wants, it's all on his terms. And right now that's ok because I can't be there with him anyway...at least not wothbturning my life upside down. Which I would do if he could give more. Either he can't or he won't. It's my choice to decide what to believe. I choose to believe he can't, but being I live far away it's ok.

We have a relationship. It's just the kind most people want.
 
We use to see each other everyday in work (till October, now he's waiting for new contract) and at lea...
Oh I see. I was mistaken and thought you haven't met in person yet. It also sounds like he's in therapy? So that's a good thing. When is the therapy over? This strict program?

@Glara I'm sorry to hear you've got these health issues, but happy to hear your vet is supporting you well.
 
@Glara Wish you get well soon!

What impressed me the most, was you saying It's my choice decide what to believe.

Those are such strong words, thank you!

It's great to read that your guy supports you, even in his actual condition.
 
@tlc This is his third year in therapy, he was struggling with PTSD and abandonment issue, without therapy from childhood (more than 30 years).

Being in sanatorium is voluntary choice, but it helps him a lot, he makes such a progress from condition he had. But I've got no idea, when he would be able to quit, he is so strict to himself and sometimes lack of patience. I know his therapist had to make clear that he can't expect condition like a healthy person.
 
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