P
p-no
I've been thinking about this quite a while now.
When I self-sabotage now, it is mainly for a) fear (e.g. not go to see a doctor because I'm scared of the possible results) or b) for the reason that I don't really want to do something taking into consideration all that the possible success entails.
b) is especially true with regard to (possible) relationships.
To give you an example: If you have success regarding a relationship, e.g. you ask someone out and they'll say yes, you will actually have to follow up on that. So, e.g. you ask today to go out next Friday. Since I can't know what next Friday holds (i.e. will I feel well enough to go, will I still want to, will something else have come up I'd prefer, will I have changed my mind but no clue of how to break the news to the person, etc. etc.), I may have a real problem even with that possible first date. After all a "yes" from the person concerned (i.e. success), will have it be my turn next.
So, what if that date happens and all goes well. Again, so many unknowns. Will I ask for another one? Will the other person? How long should I wait? Should I ask? Should they?
I do realize this is the anxiety in all of this and the letting go of things I cannot control anyways. But that is exactly my problem! I can not control things or people or what will happen. So many unknowns. That's why I am often scared of success: because all that it entails is still often too much for me to deal with.
Just to mention a different example: I am currently applying for jobs. Very good jobs with a great pay. All good! But what if the interview goes well? I'll have to make a decision for or against it. Who will tell me what the "right" decision to take is? What if I my decision will turn out to have been wrong later?
I do know I can't control these things. In some cases (job) I try to find a way of dealing with those fears and go to the interview anyways and will deal with whatever comes up later. With other things, e.g. some relationships, I don't dare take that step.
I am sorry I have no solution for you, and maybe this has nothing to do with you at all and you won't be able to use this. I hope you'll find your way through this. And I agree with what The Albatross said. You are ready to take the next step. There is almost always fear when taking new steps, at least this is true for my life.
When I self-sabotage now, it is mainly for a) fear (e.g. not go to see a doctor because I'm scared of the possible results) or b) for the reason that I don't really want to do something taking into consideration all that the possible success entails.
b) is especially true with regard to (possible) relationships.
To give you an example: If you have success regarding a relationship, e.g. you ask someone out and they'll say yes, you will actually have to follow up on that. So, e.g. you ask today to go out next Friday. Since I can't know what next Friday holds (i.e. will I feel well enough to go, will I still want to, will something else have come up I'd prefer, will I have changed my mind but no clue of how to break the news to the person, etc. etc.), I may have a real problem even with that possible first date. After all a "yes" from the person concerned (i.e. success), will have it be my turn next.
So, what if that date happens and all goes well. Again, so many unknowns. Will I ask for another one? Will the other person? How long should I wait? Should I ask? Should they?
I do realize this is the anxiety in all of this and the letting go of things I cannot control anyways. But that is exactly my problem! I can not control things or people or what will happen. So many unknowns. That's why I am often scared of success: because all that it entails is still often too much for me to deal with.
Just to mention a different example: I am currently applying for jobs. Very good jobs with a great pay. All good! But what if the interview goes well? I'll have to make a decision for or against it. Who will tell me what the "right" decision to take is? What if I my decision will turn out to have been wrong later?
I do know I can't control these things. In some cases (job) I try to find a way of dealing with those fears and go to the interview anyways and will deal with whatever comes up later. With other things, e.g. some relationships, I don't dare take that step.
I am sorry I have no solution for you, and maybe this has nothing to do with you at all and you won't be able to use this. I hope you'll find your way through this. And I agree with what The Albatross said. You are ready to take the next step. There is almost always fear when taking new steps, at least this is true for my life.