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I thought i just had bad anxiety, but do i have ptsd and repressed trauma?

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rose1854

Ever since I was really young, maybe idk 4 years old, I remember feeling like I was different from everyone else. Maybe like I didn't fit in for some reason. I remember constantly removing myself mentally to "go somewhere else", and remember several instances of me "watching" myself as a child, as if i was in a movie. I praised myself on my ability to be aware of what others wanted/needed so I could be manipulative to protect myself. All in all, I've never liked attention and felt awkward about it. I grew up going on to have severe OCD issues in middle school, social anxiety in high school, and passive suicide and panic attacks in college. I am healthy and happy right now, but am also very unaware and fearful as to whether or not i will have another depressive episode.

I guess Ive just started to wonder if the cause of these issues was a result of something that happened that I don't remember? I do have had a fair share of events that have influenced some of my mental instability, but I am not sure if they are the one's to completely blame for my recurring anxiety about my lack of identity.

For background, I grew up with an alcoholic father, who I know now was unaware that he was struggling with this issue, and watched him repeatedly verbally abuse and sometimes physically harm my mother. I remember on countless occasions her hiding in my room with me from him, scared as to whether or not he was going to try to hurt us both. The first time I saw it happen as a seven year old, I counseled my mother and told her that it wasn't okay. I became her "protector" immediately and, never even thought about being scared of my father. Why did I naturally assume this leadership role as a young child, what gave me this empowerment? Had I developed this "protector" mentality to escape my own stress of having insufficient parents? I think I wanted to prove my awareness, and not be what the reality was, a victim child. Just to make it clear though he never physically or verbally abused me, just my mother. But why was it natural for me to be so emotionally distant from this?

Down the road, I eventually developed an "alternate personality" to escape my own stress from this situation. I began to have severe OCD in my middle school years, where I would have to touch things a certain number of times, and had a voice in my head basically controlling my every move. I think I thought it was the devil, shaming me for being ungrateful, and he told me if i didn't do these things (old behaviors), or if i told anyone about it, that my whole family would die. It took me a couple years to eventually realize that this "person" was fake and that i was indeed safe. It took me until several years after in high school to even tell anyone about my experience though.

I think my father's issues eventually began to make me depressed after I stopped hiding behind this "personality". I began yelling at him and perhaps even becoming emotionally abusive. I began to disassociate not with an alternate personality, but just from the situation in general. I pretended it wasn't my life, and not my body, I was just only engaged in it sometimes. This was during the time when I was 15, and I also began to develop social anxiety and intimacy issues. I was scared to include myself and felt unnatural talking to people. I was lucky to get a nice boyfriend who accepted me, but 2 years into our relationship as a 17 year old, I still refused to have sex with him. Im not sure why it scared me because our relationship was great and I loved him. But he grew increasingly frustrated, and I eventually gave in, totally regretting the experience. I often have flashbacks to him not respecting my wishes, but I am also just so curious why I was so uninterested to have my first sexual encounter as a 17 year old girl in what seemed to be like the perfect relationship at the time.

I began to see a therapist for the social anxiety, but I think I was completely still unaware at this point as an adolescent the role my father was playing and the effect of feeling helpless to have sex. I began feeling like I wanted to kill myself, but I was still so unaware at this point as to why I felt this way. Not understanding why I wanted to do this made me have even more anxiety. I neglected to tell my therapist because I was scared she would think I was lying since I didn't know why.

I left for college still with this issue. Had increased social anxiety and hung out with people that didn't make me happy, just trying to fit in. I had another poor sex encounter, in which I invited someone into my bedroom, unaware that he would rapidly take my clothes off and insert himself inside me without asking. I know this isn't rape necessarily, but I was scared to say I didn't want to do it, and didn't feel confident enough to say no. When I went home for winter break, and met up with my old boyfriend, I couldn't even hookup with him, because as soon as he began to touch me I began to cry. I also found out a few months later this person who violated me, also lied about their age and was almost 8 years older than me, making my anxiety worse.

I came home that semester still wanting to kill myself, although this time, my mom said something that made me burst into tears and finally tell everyone. My dad was still struggling with his own issues at this point, but my mom was supportive about my transparency and took me to a psychiatrist to get medication and organized seeing a therapist. I was totally honest with my therapist and psychiatrist this time, and actually began to improve.

When I came home in the summer my dad was also a changed person. Perhaps him seeing me in such a devastating state finally changed him? He explained his depression to me and cried to me for a long time about how sorry he was he f*cked up my childhood. For most people an apology wouldn't be enough, but that was the first time in my life I ever heard him say sorry to anyone, so I knew it was serious. Also his parents are totally f*cked up and abused him, so I knew why he acted the way he did for so long, and forgave him. Today we have a very healthy relationship and he is no longer abusive to my mother and controls his alcohol consumption. I enjoy spending time with him and he's finally the supportive dad he always wanted to be. I honestly love him so much, and am just happy he suffers less now.

So I guess you could say everything is better now. But this is like the first time ever, where I've just had like an entire year to reflect on who I am and not worry about my mom or my dad. And yet this is supposed to be good, I feel more disillusioned than ever. What's my purpose now? I often watch myself from a birds eye view, and even right now am watching myself type this. It's almost impossible for me to fall asleep without benedryl, and I find myself constantly avoiding simple interactions with people, because it's boring and I don't see why me asking finite details about their lives matters.

The more I thought about this, I realized this has been happening my whole life though. I have always had trouble sleeping and being present. Maybe I just never noticed, because there was always something else to focus on? Like right now I am happy and healthy, finally have the family, the friends, the supportive nice boyfriend, but I am still at a loss for who I am. Sometimes I imagine myself walking off alone when talking to someone, sometimes I imagine myself staring in the mirror with blood running down my face. I began to question if the social interactions and my own interactions are even real, and sometimes even forget to respond to people, because I get so caught up in this fantasy. It's become nearly impossible for me to think a reality exists beyond my own head.

All in all, we can blame my father for some of my issues. But like why did I automatically assume to protect my mother, wouldn't it have been normal to be scared? Why have I been so scared of sex all my life? Is there a bigger issue that happened, that caused this OCD, anxiety and depression, that I'm missing? Was I sexually abused when I was younger and don't remember? Am I just f*cked up and don't want to participate in my own life? Like I just am starting to believe something else has to be wrong here. I took the DID test earlier and scored a 31, which I guess is high.
 
Ever since I was really young, maybe idk 4 years old, I remember feeling like I was different from everyone else. May...

Hi -- I read your post. :) I'm a bit tired and so don't want to give you a half-hearted reply, but I don't like seeing unanswered threads so thought I'd say something! I'm sure someone will respond soon :) Take care
 
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