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I Want to Tell My Story - Raped and Abuse By My Brother

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by annafennutchi, Jul 10, 2006.

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  1. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    I want to share my story with people, but I never know how to start, I always hear it as such an unbelievable story, that no one will ever understand. But here goes.

    I was molested by my older brother from the age of 8 until 13. The Abuse started out playful and non-threatening, like a game. I don't remember getting much attention from anyone in my family before that, and I remember it felt nice for someone to pay me some. It wasn't until after he had come to me a few times that it turned evil. It went from mild touching to demanding I allow him to insert fingers into my vagina, I knew that it was wrong but to me it was too late, if I told anyone now, they would blame me for not stopping it the first time it happened. I fought back and tried to resist, but he would hit me and throw me against his wall over and over. I felt like it was my punishment for not telling someone in the beginning.

    When we moved from that house a couple of years later, I thought that by some stroke of luck, the abuse would stop. By this time he was 15, I was 10. Little did I know things would only get worse. My parents worked farther away from home which gave him more time to work with. If I took a shower, he would come in. He made me touch him or let him touch me. One time I tried to fight in there and he whacked me on the head with the shower massager, after having to come up with a story for that one, I didn't fight him in there anymore.

    By this time I had become numb and just went through the motions. I felt it was easier to do that instead of getting my ass kicked. I felt like I was less than nothing, a subcreature, this was my hell and I wished I was dead.

    My numbness triggered a new level of abuse. He no longer did anything to me without hurting me. he even put a lock at the top of his door to make it so hard to unlock that he had time to catch me if I tried to run. He now fancied throwing me down and holding my arms with his knees he would force me to perform oral sex. I tried to bite him once, he punched me so hard in the chest, I couldn't breathe, it felt like he had killed me-I hoped. No such luck, I came to with the feeling of him climaxing,I always had to swallow or suffer more punishment.

    This is only the beginning, but I can't go on right now, this has worn me out. Thank you to you all for listening to me and giving me your support. I will share more another time:sleep: :dontknow:
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  3. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    I am so sorry.....I don't think there are words.....You are so strong to be here today. He stole a lot from you, your childhood, your happiness, your sense of self, your virginity, and even your family. You are strong to survive that. So strong. You are even stronger now that you have written about it, even if it's only just a little bit. It is one step closer to healing. Now that you are here, as an adult and not a helpless child, as a survivor, are you ready to heal? You can. Say it out loud: "I deserve to heal. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I am strong. I can do it." repeat as neccessary.
  4. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    okay, I went to bed but I'm too pissed to lay down.:angry-fla : I have a few words to say so I can vent and go to sleep. It might be humorous to everyone else, but the bastard is lucky that I don't know who he is. I am a tiny thing, but my hub is 6' 8" and I'm sure Anthony might have some weapons around????:die: (no offense anthony..) I need some proactive therapy. Now, that raises another you still have contact with this scum of the earth? Does he still breathe the same air as you? If he does, how do you cope and not just :gunem-dow ? You know, I still fantasize about finding the "bastard' and chopping his head off (we need a smilie that is getting head chopped off)....but I'm scared all at the same time. Really, I don't think I'll ever want to run into him...although I don't know if I would know it if I did. Is fear what you feel? Once again, I'm so sorry, but if you'll let me, I'll go kick his measly little ass.:mad:
  5. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    Want to have a go at my brother too? I think he went to the same psycho school.
  6. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    I can tell you where he lives too.
  7. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member


    Yep, you can beat his ass. I came so close to cutting his throat that it's not funny. I have decided that ruining his perfect existance by telling everyone what he did is a much more effective way to destroy him.
    To answer your questions, yes I still have contact with him if we happen to be at the same family events. Part of me waits for my parents to be dead and gone because I know at this point the only way to totally loose touch is for them to die.
    My brother is a huge source of fear. I had to see him last night and in frount of other people I have to talk to him and pretend that nothing is wrong, it's a tiring sharade and I am ready for it to be over. I just don't know any other way. I don't know how well I "cope" but I am a hell of an actress.
  8. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    Aren't we all. Trying to act normal when a War is going on inside. Trying to subdue the anger when it's about to blow. Trying to keep it all inside until it's safe to throw things, and scream, and run, and do whatever feels better....but usually it doesn't. Trying to keep a job, and trying to keep your family, and most of all, trying to keep your sanity. We have all been there, or going through it right now. I'm so sorry for the two of you to have to go through that (seeing him over and over..) I hope he's afraid too, that his real personality will eventually become public. That he sees you getting stronger and stronger. Hold your head high ladies, because you are stronger than him. You are a survivor.

    I'm so glad that the two of you found each other. A link between two survivors through cyberspace. It's awesome.. As Anthony will say, the hurt healing the hurt and in turn healing our selves.
  9. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    I do this too. I've been told I dissociate and block everything away. I tend to just go into automatic - say yes and no in the right places, don't start arguments, don't be in a room alone with the bastard. Better still, don't go unless I know he's at the other end of the country!

    I also get this weird need to sleep whenever I go to see the family. It's like I'm drugged or something. I find myself struggling to stay awake, yet I'm anxious as hell. Isn't it ironic that the only place I sleep like an absolute log is the place that I have nightmares about when I'm away from it? Mind you, my brother no longer lives there and my dog stays in the room with me. I also stay in my normal brother's old room if I stay over. Doesn't go well if I go in my old room!

    Dig your heels in girl and let em have it!
  10. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    I am so in disbelief that I have found someone so like myself in such an unlikely place. I thank you all for your support. I am finding new strength with every post I read. I am almost to a breaking point and when I would, in the past stifle the urge to flip the Thanksgiving table and tell the whole family who he really is.

    You know what, I never thought about him being still afraid that I might tell, or that he may get caught(if he is still making victims). That is a whole new source of power I feel now. I hate to sound vindictive, but I like the thought of him finally being scared.

    Believe me my heels are indeed digging in!
  11. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    An interesting point raised here. Every time I visit my family home, if my brother knows I'm there, he is straight over. I always viewed this as intimidation tactics "don't you dare tell or else" kind of thing, and also a jealousy thing - he never could cope with anyone else getting attention so would behave badly to get the focus on himself. The genral theme went: if he started hitting someone, the parents would be nice to him in order to get him to behave more appropriately. That's pretty much like giving treats to a dog for biting someone. All it does is encourage the behaviour - positive reinforcement. This type of training is excellent if used in the right way, but disastrous if not.

    These days I'm more of the view that he is as scared as he is jealous of me visiting our parents. This makes me still scared of him, but also slightly empowered. It makes a family visit just about bearable, despite the side effects. I don't think I would ever dare say anything in front of the family, as I would fear the consequences both for me and them. The fact that I COULD if I chose to still helps me cope.
  12. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    Wow, ladies, I don't know how you do it. I'm so glad you found each other! You guys are brave, patient, and strong to deal with being around "him" while you are trying to heal. I'm sure it makes healing hard. Talking about a freakin trigger!!!
  13. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Nicole... what can I say??? Honestly, for both you and Piglet, me personally, I would put them both behind bars, drag their sorry arses through court of law, whether winning or not, just for the satisfaction of complete humiliation on their behalf, with the story becoming so public, and even prompting it along with a tip off to the media at the time, just to hammer the nail into the coffin completely.

    Yes, I am a male, and will never know what a female suffers when being raped. What I do know though, is that what has happened with you Nicole, regardless of the offender being family, it is against the law, it is rape, and punishable by court of law. I guess it is easy for me to say tell the authorities, press charges, but another for you with the feelings, hurt and pain that is associated with your suffering. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

    I said this to Piglet some time ago now about her brother always wanting to be around when she visits her family, in that maybe he is just shit scared about what he has done, and whether or not she will tell, and all secrets are revealed. It gives power, but the problem is, is that the offences still occured, the trauma is still real, and now you have to decide whether its the right time for you to expose these people for what they really are worth (not much).

    You are one hell of a strong person Nicole to have fought this as long as you have, and I think you need to get yourself off to a relevant Expert for diagnosis ASAP to be honest. Whilst you have suffered your life with all these traumas already, a time comes when the body and mind just cannot continue in the state they have for so long, and they shutdown upon you.

    Its great that your talking about your trauma, because that is a serious step that you need to take, ensuring you get every little piece out of your system, to the point where you accept what has happened, and no longer fear your past. It doesn't mean that what has happened was right, because it most certainly wasn't, and no person, especially as a child, should have to suffer what you have suffered. What it means though, is that you can continue with your life, knowing that your past is completely behind you, and only a distant Memory of the rest of your life you have ahead of you, instead of your past controlling you, and controlling your present and future life.

    I could only encourage you Nicole to continue telling your story, continue getting it all out of your system, and continue to heal within yourself for the undue justice that has been served upon you previously. Your brother needs to be dealt with to be honest, and should be reported to the law for those dealings. He should be exposed so that he cannot ever hurt anyone else again, under any circumstances.

    As he has done this too you, who says he wouldn't do it too another? Or worst, have a daughter and end up abusing her also? I could only hope that one day if you are strong enough, that you report him for what he has done, and allow the law to provide him some trauma for the hell he has put you through already.
  14. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    Turning him in sounds like a fantasy.

    I always have fantasized about turning him in, but after all these years, I am afraid of no one believing me. I turn into that scared little girl all over again. I wish I had the guts to just go to the athourities and spill my guts. If I understand correctly, I have 2 more years before the statute of limitations is up. I have been encourageed by a few people to turn him in.

    The biggest reason I don't believe anything would be done is because when I told my parents what he had done, they flocked to his side and protected him. I was left to fall by the wayside and forgotten as "crazy like her mother"

    I hate my mother for that, I can't stand her voice, her presence, anything. The worst part about that is that I live with the sea hag. I can't stand for her to touch me. When she does I feel the same discusting feeling I felt whenever her son touched me. I don't really understand why I feel like that but every time she touches me this evil feeling pours over me like a green cloud.

    I want to research legal council just to see what could be done. I may or may not go through with it. It is a lot easier to sit here and say I will turn him in than it is to go down to the sherrif's office and spill it.

    Thanks for your support and encouragement!:thumbs-up
  15. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Absolutely, it is easy to sit here and discuss it, and another completely different story to do it, because at the end of the day, when you do, if you do, you have to be ready to have every bit of dirt dug up on yourself also, because for every accusation, his lawyer will be looking to find an opposing answer, something to discredit you with, whether true or not. I guess this is why so many women never do tell authorities about their rape, because the hell they will go through to achieve the aim, will be hell, especially with family involved.

    Maybe also another good path is rape or abuse groups, where maybe they could put you in touch with people who have pressed charges, and had both successful and unsuccessful convictions, so you can see both sides of the possible future you will endure, before enduring it yourself. Having others experience is worth its weight in gold in these circumstances, as it helps provide you some factual substance to what is going to occur, how it will occur, what is going to be said about you, and what you may feel if a successful conviction is sought. Some people say they get resolution for themselves when this is achieved, some say they got more distraught, because their rapist only got two years in jail for raping to begin with. I would try and contact some of these organisations and groups if possible, and try and find people who have walked the path themselves on both sides, then make your decision.

    You are just absolute correct though, where talking about it, and doing it, are two completely different things, and very life changing experiences to go with one of them. I think these type of people should be punished by law, and punished for the indecent crimes they commit, but that is just my viewpoint, and most certainly not what is actually best for you, as only you know that Nicole.
  16. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    I really appreciate all the help. Every day is a new discovery right now. It is easier to just sit back and let life pass you by than it is to disect it. It's like ripping off a bunch of bandaids-at first it really stings, but after a little while it feels better, sure there may be a scar, but the wound is healed.( Leave it to a nurse to make a bandaid reference!)
  17. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    I do the same thing except everything is related to gestation and birth! (I used to work in a maternity ward)
  18. Kerrie-Ann

    Kerrie-Ann Well-Known Member


    Is it possible that you could turn the b@#$tard in, without having to press charges? At least you will have the satisfaction of knowing the law knows about him but not putting you through the wringer of prosecuting. Surely that would defeat the statute of limitations. At the moment, although I agree that he needs to have his sorry ass dragged through the courts, I can't see how it would benefit you -emotionally anyway. Dealing with the aftermath is enough of a journey and will no doubt be a life long one for you. Its a Shame isn't it, that creatures like that get to walk this earth and you are the one being punished. I feel for you, hopefully talking via this forum will help you in the healing direction.
  19. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member


    That's exactly what I am looking into now. I have contacted a lawyer to see what options I have. I am tied in knots over the thought of all the things that would go along with a court case.
    Still Fighting though.:die: :mad: :hit-boss:
  20. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Yer, absolutely Nicole... easy for us to say it, but if you had to attend court, which no doubt you will, you have to make a pretty clear cut decision on whether or not you are up to it or not, or even if it had to be done, then it be done via video chat instead so you don't have to see him and have that extra pressure upon you.
  21. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    You know I have thought and thought. I want to make sure no one else gets hurt by him, and telling my family obviously has done no good. I tried again just the other day to tell them I needed to start therapy, not that I need their permission, but to inform them. It was like talking to a brick wall, no emotions, nothing. Just "what have you to be angry about?" from my mother. So I reminded her of what happened between 8 & 13 she acted completely unaffected. I am not surprised to get that reaction, but I guess I had really hoped for something a little more validating to the fact that I DO have the right to be angry, but instead she gave me the same nothing she's given me for as long as I can remember.

    Wow. I just realized I am furious right now. I went for a drink, and my hand is shaking like a leaf! I am boiling inside! I am so mad at them!

    Gotta take a breather, excuse me.
  22. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Its like your damned if you do, damned if you don't Nicole. If you do nothing, your being ignored and rejected about the issue from your family, if you do something, then he will hopefully be punished for his acts and not allowed to hurt another, whilst also your family will reject you some more no doubt. It doesn't seem to matter which approach is taken family wise, as you obviously have little support anyway.

    I really don't understand a family doing that sort of thing, in that if one of my brothers or sisters abused me, and I told my parents, they would believe me and the most likely response would be, let the law sort out the facts, and we support you both whatever the outcome. There is no way would I condone that sort of behaviour from my own children, and even though I love them, if they did that sort of thing, then they deserve to be punished in my mind, but that is my logic to an illogical situation...
  23. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    Trouble is, in families where sibling abuse starts, the family situation generally isn't very healthy already. There has got to be something wrong for someone to start abusing another person. Mind you, saying that, I know that my brother was a pain is the butt from the moment he was born -nightmare baby apparently, unlike my eldest brother and myself. I still find it hard to believe that people are born bad...
  24. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    I think your brother, as a baby, might have been fussy, piglet, but someone also reinforced his bad behavior like your parents. And when your parents did nothing about the abuse, that just reinforced his bad behavior even more!! (Bad behavior doesn't describe molesting very well) Piglet, I believe he will have his day. Either in court or in hell or maybe both.
  25. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    I think you are both right. I do believe that some people are "born bad" but I believe more strongly that sometimes people with behavior problems are somehow encouraged. After my parents were told everything they ( my mother mostly) kept treating him like he was made of gold. That is the main reason I am so resentful of her, because she pushed me away and drew him closer and closer.
    That fact makes it very hard not to make this about her. I really try to remind myself that it wasn't her fault either but sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind.
  26. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Wow... now that was all pretty damn insightful. What a great statement though, where the bad is being rewarded, basically by the parent for loss of what to do, or how to control them when needed.

    Piglet, you sure your brother wasn't dropped on his head or something at birth???

    I don't have these issues with my past, but I can pretty much state how I would feel if my siblings did bad, and my parents rewarded them for it... I wouldn't be talking or seeing any off them, ever again. I wouldn't allow them to continually punish me for someone else's mistakes in life. That is just my thought process though on the matter.
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