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I was told a diary could help so lets give it a go.

Where do I start?
I thought I had it hard with C-PTSD and depression 5 years ago, but now it's so much worse, so much stronger.
I feel so unoptimistic for the future the more I try to think positive the more it gets thrown back in my face.
I haven't had any therapy/counselling/help for two years - and I can't believe it's only been two years.. it feels like so much longer, my counsellor helped me in so many ways and she thought I would be OK - but the reality is I'm really not. I wish I would of argued with her about getting more help (the counselling service was for children so under the age of 18, patients would need referral to the adult service from their counsellor after they had turned 18). She told me that I would be able to deal with all the symptoms myself and that when my mood drops I will be able to pick it back up. I had recently come off anti-depressants and hadn't self harmed in about 2 years. Me being naïve was sceptical of this, but positive and was under the impression that my counsellor knew me and how I was feeling more than I did, and I am absolutely gutted that I took her advice and made the decision to carry on with my life with no help whatsoever.
Although I haven't had any help since, I have been trying to remember the coping strategies that I was given to help me when I'm feeling a certain way. And recently I've felt all over the place, I was on antidepressants up until April 2017, but we moved to another area and so I needed to find a new doctor. I am sure many of you can sympathise when I say depression is an absolute bastard for letting you get things done, now it is almost August, I still don't have a doctor and I haven't had any tablets which were helping a little. So yeah, now I'm everywhere and dealing with my life now is near impossible. I have a somewhat supportive boyfriend - I say somewhat because he does try but he has his own problems and demons to deal with, he has little knowledge of PTSD so he struggles to understand my behaviour sometimes but he does try, which I guess is what's important however I do tend to feel isolated and hopeless when I am feeling down. So I am now turning to what I can remember from my counselling sessions, I recall her telling me to be creative with my thoughts, so to write down how I feel or paint/sing/write a poem... I am the furthest thing from creative so I think writing a diary would be appropriate.

So, I guess I have suffered from trauma my whole life.. but there were also significant traumatic events as well which has affected me and is ultimately the reason why PTSD turned into Complex PTSD for me. My dad was a heroin/drug addict, and my mum used to drink a lot, I was dumped with my aunty quite a lot and was often late to school when my parents had to take me, it's quite sad really. As a result my teachers pretty much hated me (probably not the case but it's how I felt, and they were pretty horrible to me when I was late to school, I was around 5 so this really upset me, when your life is crappy at home then you want it to be better at least at school). My dad's addiction meant that for years he would emotionally abuse me, I was always belittled and he absolutely f*cked my self esteem up. When my mum was elsewhere (at work I think) and my dad had to look after me, I had to go to my bedroom and wasn't allowed to go downstairs (I can't remember how long for, I think it would be for a few hours at least) and I felt very isolated. Sometimes, when he hadn't had his fix he would get aggressive with me (he didn't hit me - I don't think but it came extremely close on multiple occasions), I was also blackmailed into keeping things from my mum and was threatened multiple times too. There were a couple major events which resulted from drug and alcohol addiction too which did include witnessing more than one attempted suicide which is where the emotional flashbacks primarily come from.
The emotional abuse carried on until I was about 16 (where I started receiving counselling and where my dad started to realise what he'd done, even though he was in denial and blamed it on other people), so it was actually quite recent where it all stopped for me. When I was 15 I suffered a sexual assault, it wasn't taken to court though as there wasn't enough evidence, which damaged my health even more.

So that's where it came from, and now I am forever suffering the consequences of all this, and it has well and truly f*cked me up. I am constantly hypervigilant, I suffer from chronic fatigue even though when I try to sleep I can't, I hate leaving the house but hate to feel isolated, I can't look in the mirror because I feel sick. I want to starve myself but I want to binge eat at the same time etc etc. My self esteem is in tatters I have this stupid inner voice that tells me things I don't want to hear, very dark stuff too and it really cripples me. The worst thing is the isolation, nobody seems to understand how I feel and it hurts me because I feel so alone, I don't know whether my behaviour is normal or whether it's just another side effect of this awful illness..
 
Your behavior is not abnormal, no. These things that you are feeling are quite common among us here. I feel so bad for you, what has happened to you is so wrong!

Is there any way you can contact that therapist and get a referral now? That might be your best option.
 
Hi, I have been trying but she doesn't work there anymore, I thought it would be my only hope which was shattered into tiny pieces :( I am feeling so low today and I don't know when things are going to pick up for me :(
 
So sorry! I think they should still have your records there, even if she herself does not work there any longer. Maybe they can refer you anyway, even though she is no longer there?
 
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