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I wish i never trusted my therapist

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I wish I never trusted my therapist.
I wish I never told her any of my secrets.
I wish I never told her any of my memories.
I wish I never opened up to her.
I wish I never started having hope.
I wish I never let her see inside my soul, after I had promised I would never let myself get hurt again.
I wish I had left when my gut feeling told me over and over again to leave.
I wish I had left before, and not now that it's going to be so painful to sever this attachment.

Help. How do you get over a pain like this?
 
I have felt the same way about a pervious T. What helped was finding a new T that never pressured and gave infinite time to go at my pace and hover back and forth between trusting and being unsure of her. And also her reassuring me that she is not my old T. But that it was important to discuss what happened with her so that it wouldn't mess up our therapy. Though it definitely still affects it. It's like getting over an ex imo. But you need to allow yourself time to grieve. It takes a while before you can step back and gain clarity and perspective.

Have you a supportive partner/friend/relative? And/or are you able to consider finding a new T to support you right now?
 
Help. How do you get over a pain like this?

Because you loved her & she died?
Because she betrayed you?
Because she retired?
Because she fired you?
Because you can't afford her?
Because you don't want to leave?
Because you've fallen in love and been told no?
Because you used to admire her and now no longer respect her?
Because you realize you respect her deeply and that scares you?
Because she sexually assaulted you?


All of these (and other things commonly seen here in the forums) have different answers.

So, strong second, why do you wish these things?
 
I can tell you, it will get better with time. It f*cking hurts like hell but it WILL pass. Please look after yourself. What helped me.. I thought of all the things I hated about my ex T, I ended up despising her, and pretended she was dead. That really helped.
 
I was too afraid to ask for a long time, for her to be more validating and warm. I thought that with time it would come, I thought that with time she would help me name things, recognize them as abuse, plus I was scared of the answer as I couldn't see another therapist. Now all this time later, I have finally had the courage to ask for things and I am realizing that she doesn't understand me at all. She is so focused on therapy as a technique, that I feel so invisible. If I ever say I don't like something she insists that I am imaging it, and that I am going through transference. I have been so open and honest with her, but at this point I don't see how we can recover our relationship, as anything I say that I don't like she says I am imaging it. I wish I had spoken up earlier. She says I am misreading her, but I think she is misreading me as well. I am too attached to her now and not sure how to find a new therapist. Should I ask her to help me see someone else?
 
It hurts so much to feel so invalidated. To never hear a good word. To never hear you have worked so hard, or you're so brave, or you're so strong. Nothing. Just silence. I feel like I am starting to despise myself even more. If a therapist cannot even like me, is there hope for me?
 
I was too afraid to ask for a long time, for her to be more validating and warm. I thought that with time it would come...
I'm confused. I thought from your initial post that the relationship was finished and that was definite. You seem rather uncertain as to what exactly your next move will be. Clearly there have been ambiguous feelings along the way. Are you sure they're specific to this particular T? Or have you considered that maybe your reticence could be partly related to previous traumatic attachments? Could you ask your T whether she seeks supervision to guide her in your treatment? Ultimately if you're truly unhappy with her and feel like you're getting nowhere, why not test the waters elsewhere? But what I'm reading is a juxtaposition because you harness resentment towards her (?partially acted out) yet have this strong attachment to her. Can you elaborate on the attached feelings? She must be some good to develop such feelings, right? I've met a few poor therapists and I immediately put up a wall preventing any attachment.
 
I'd agree--in that I have only experienced attachment now, with one T. The one I had before I abandoned easily and it felt like validating--didn't look back--no attachment. The attachment is excruciating. There have been things we've navigated in our relationship where I really didn't think I could take another minute. It COULD be part of the work, but you need to figure that out in conversation with your T. You have to bring it and really tell her exactly how you feel (only you know how much--or whether--you've held out on her to this end). If you go all in and she can't navigate that--ok--maybe she's no longer a fit. But...therapists (it turns out) are also people who are struggling and trying to make sense of their own feelings as they go along with us. Might be reasonable to hang in and push her a bit, see if she can meet you somewhere in the middle.
And I'll say--what you expressed--wishing you never etc etc...I've felt those things, too--it is so deeply terrifying to be so vulnerable. So many times I've wished I could leave her, or at least hide somewhere in the office where she couldn't see me. These could be feelings that indicate you are pushing yourself forward into growth. At least in part, this could--could--be a credit to your T--but can she continue to go forward with you as the pain gets deeper? To be determined....Wishing you much good and healing. Hope I've been helpful.
 
Whatever your decision, you have unresolved issues with your current T. It is always a good idea to try to get closure in the therapeutic relationship. For me, it's really important because it's an intimate relationship like no other and so I want it to be healing whether we can work through all of the trauma stuff together or not.
 
Hi I have had similar experiences over time with 2 different therapist. The first one I put on a pedestal and loved. She encouraged this. I think now it was very damaging when she showed her lack of respect for me at the time I had to stop therapy. It took a long time to get my head around the betrayal. The second therapist was cold and at first I thought this was good for me because it set clear boundaries but it didn't take long to realise she wasnt a good fit for me. I was more confident by then and summoned up the courage to tell her how I felt about things she said. She apologised for her assumptions and I gave it a few more sessions but I realised she was not a good fit for me. Funnily enough the psychologist that did the assessment on me for acc funding is the therapist I'm seeing now. She has the qualities I need in a therapist. She is warm and her boundaries are clear. Also her theoretical view is very nurturing and useful. Her approach is based on Schematic Therapy. It is really the best therapy I have had. You could have a look at Schema therapy online and if you think it suits you, you could check out some therapists using this approach. It's taken me many years to understand I have the right to my feelings and I am not always wrong. Changing therapists is tough but if you address the issues with your therapist and things still don't feel right you have the right to move on.
 
Your responses are so helpful! I never felt a true connection to her, but I always invalidated myself and pushed myself more and more. I think this has led to me being attached. Now that things aren't working out for the last six months or so, I have started feel deeply suicidal. I think I am the same and I invalidate my own feelings. I feel that if things aren't working it's my fault and that means that I don't deserve better help. In the last few weeks however, it's dawning on me that perhaps this therapist is just not a good fit. When I first started with her, I was in such a low place and had never had a therapist, so I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I deserved, or what would work. But now I feel much stronger so I can see that she's just not meeting me half-way. I have tried to be pretty open and try to explore these harder questions, but I just don't think she gets me. I think she is a good therapist and is definitely talented, but we are so stuck and she doesn't even seem to acknowledge it. She has been practicing for about five years or so and when I started we didn't know we were about to deal with trauma and repressed memories. Maybe this has caught her off guard, which I understand. But at least, I wish she could say, listen sometimes I don't know where exactly we're going either, but I am here for you and willing to go through this with you. Ultimately, I don't think she is. I don't know if this is a new territory for her or something as I have been seeing her for two years now. To her credit, the fact that I am strong enough to even say what I want or need to her, or to understand that even though she might not work for me as a therapist, doesn't meet that I don't deserve help, or doesn't mean that there's no therapist out there who would be willing to see me, is a huge feat. Everytime, I try to bring this up, things don't get resolved as I think we get a bit stuck a little more. I guess it's hard on her part, but I wish she could get a little less defensive and also stop being so scared that something bad might happen to me. I think this fear she has is keeping us both stuck. I tried to talk to her about it, but she gets defensive and says and I am misreading her. I have finally contacted a few other therapists. I am looking forward to meeting them and starting from a different perspective. If it happens that I move, I am definitely going to miss my therapist and I am greatful to her for bringing me from such a dark place. I can't believe that I am even strong enough to acknowledge that if I worthy of the help I think I need. That is huge. We'll see how it goes. I will be talking to her on Tuesday.Thank you for sharing all your experiences!
 
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