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I Wrote My Goodbye Letter To My Late Wife - I Didn't Lose My Mind

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Josh77, Dec 22, 2006.

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  1. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    I wrote that goodbye letter to my late wife, and i feel somewhat relieved. I didn't lose my mind, but i didn't get emotional either. Did i do it wrong? I thought that i would at least cry!:crybaby: Maybe i wrote it wrong. I told her that i will always love her, and that she occupies a very special and totally exclusive part of my heart and soul; i told her that i was sorry if my words and/or actions contributed to her state of mind and her suicide/death. I ended by saying goodbye. The letter was about a page long. Shouldn't i have at least felt something? I still feel numb about her. :poke:

    I would also like to share a little more about her death; it will help me to get this out:

    My wife died of an overdose of my xanax and her heroin. We don't know if it was a suicide or an accident... the circumstances were confusing. But, I woke up and found her dead on the floor; I opened her eyelids and tried to wake her up, but she was already gone. I called 911 and they came right away, but there was nothing they could do, for she was already dead too long when I found her. I will NEVER forget that blank stare she had when I opened her eyes, and tried to wake her up!! That dead stare is a waking nightmare when I think about it for too long. I usually just block it out when it comes to mind. I just go numb for a little while! I feel heartless for not feeling sad and for not thinking about the memories and all, but it's too painful. This has helped though... you know, getting all of this out! Sometimes I FEEL LIKE A SCARED LITTLE BOY!!

    Thanks for listening, and i would appreciate any feedback anyone could offer me.

    Have a blessed day and a Merry Christmas,
    Josh
     
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Well done Josh! This was a huge step for you! I'm proud of you for taking it. It was a first step though. You've blocked out your feelings for a long time. Being able to recongize those feelings and release them is not going to happen instantely (although sometimes that is what happens, just not in this case). This means that you have more grief work to do. Do you have any books on grief or how to greive? It might help some to learn about it and see what options you have to keep going on this journey of feelings. Don't get discouraged just because you didn't lose it. You do have PTSD after all. I will post more later, but I have to finish getting ready for work right now. Great work! Be proud of yourself!!

    Bec
     
  4. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    Bec,
    You know, you're right because now i've been remembering (or letting myself remember) certain memories about my wife; both good and bad ones. If they come back a little bit at a time, then i can probably handle it; i'm just worried about the really repressed memories; the very, very painful ones that must be there! I know that there are some really painful ones waiting to come to my mind because there are certain key elements of that cold, dark night that i can't remember; gaps in memory of basic timeline of events of that night.
    Thanks for the support, Bec.

    Josh
     
  5. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Josh,

    I've found that grieving and PTSD have some things in common. Just about everyone goes through the same 'stuff', but at different times and in different ways. Everyone's grief in individual. How I grieved for my sister is very different from how I grieved for my father. I loved them both the same and miss them both everyday...but their deaths were different circumstances and my grief was different.

    From your other posts and this one, it's seems like you're bracing yourself for something really bad, really scary to come out of your memories. There may be parts of your memories of that night or those times that you won't get back or only parts will come back. People have told me about things that happened when my father was dying and after he died that I have no recollection of...and I was there. A lot of that time has a kind of haze to it and I doubt I'll ever totally remember it all. It's just something that I've had to come to accept.

    Just remember that grief has no timetable and (and like PTSD) it takes time to work through the memories. Please don't try to push yourself to get through it. It comes as it comes. Be patient and kind to yourself...please.

    BTW-I'm also proud of you that your wrote the letter. :kiss: Good going, hon.
     
  6. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

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    Writing the letter was a way of saying goodbye.

    Emotions, especially when you push them away, are really hard to recover. Once you do, it hurts like hell though.
    hugs tight.

    Proud of you.
     
  7. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    thanks, guys... i really do appreciate the support, and my eyes are open nice and wide, now; as far as the things that i need to do to help myself, now.

    Josh
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Well done Josh, very well done. Don't worry about your not feeling something then and their, because remember you have a big bucket of trauma sitting within you, clouding most things you think or feel. The idea is help you raise out of yourself what you are doing so well still, "I usually just block it out when it comes to mind. I just go numb for a little while." Don't expect miracles Josh from just one act, its not the point. The idea is for you to do the act itself, not much else. By doing the act you will provoke emotions. When these emotions come out, that is when you begin dealing with them. Hopefully, dealing with those emotions will provoke more emotions, thus raising them and having to deal with them also. The cycle continues once pandoras box has been opened.
     
  9. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    Way to go Josh! You have now stepped into a new realm. When you added that little piece at the end of your post about more details of your wifes' death THAT is where the power and the emotions lie!!

    You will write many letters to her. Letters of lonliness during a particular time of year. Letters of regret as you step into the world of "would have", "could have", "should have."

    Would you be willing to write your next letter to her explaining how you felt at the time you discovered her? The moments that followed when the emergency personnel arrived. Tell her about your anger and numbness as you stumbled through funeral or memorial services. Honestly tell her how thinking back to that day still haunts you.

    This will hurt. You may find yourself face to face with emotions that are unpleasant. It doesn't mean you don't love her. She is gone and you are left to pick up the pieces.

    Please know that as I push you (as others push me) you won't be alone.
    ~Boo
     
  10. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    I need someone to push me in the right directions

    Thank you, Boo...
    I need people to push me and guide me. I will write that letter you've just suggested on December 26 for i have relatives coming over for Christmas.:eek:ccasion: Plus, i don't want to rush things too much. i need a few days to sort out the feelings:think: from the last letter i wrote to her, but that is a logical next step!! Thanks again, Boo! i will definately not drag my feet this time,:walking: but i won't rush it either; perfect balance of getting shit done in a reasonable amount of time vs. rushing into things. i promise to write that letter on Dec 26!!

    Have a great, blessed day,
    Josh
     
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