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Ifs and how to kill the exile...

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Freida

MyPTSD Pro
T and I've been working with the Internal Family System for quite a while now and I have it fairly under control. I've made peace with my manager, critic and my protectors - and they are more or less cooperative. My firefighters -- well I can sort of get them to step back or at least pause before they explode so that's a win

My challenge is the exile. She needs to die. I have wanted to kill her since the day I figured out who/what she was. The sooner I can kill her, the sooner I can move on. I know my life will be way better once she dies. It's like cutting out a cancer - kill her and the damage goes with her.

The Ts, however, say I can't kill her. They insist that at some point I have to accept her for who she is, what she did, how she survived and somehow come to something other than raging hate and disgust for her. They also blather on about accepting her and her experiences as part of me. yeaaaaaa. no.

So my question --- have any of you done this phase in IFS? How did you get rid of your exile? She is responsible for f*cking up a large part of my life so I have zero desire to "rescue" her, at least not at this point. Has anyone successfully killed theirs? Or dealt with them any other way?
 
Keep in my mind, I know nothing about this treatment, however, trust your therapist. I wouldn't kill your exile. If there were no pain or sorrow, how can there be good and happiness? Balance.
 
My Caveat:
I don't do IFS.

My experience:
When you kill a part of yourself? You become an entirely different person. Not the same person with that piece gone. It's not like emotions. You can f*ck around with your emotions one whole helluva lot, but you're still you. Harder, colder, number, effervescent, wilder, list goes on, but it's you. When a part of you dies? You have absolutely zero say in replacement.

Obvious Questions:
Would I go back to who I was before? No way in f*cking hell. But that's a part of it, isn't it? I'm me. I'm who I am. And I don't want to die. I want to be me, to be myself. Change? Certainly. Change is a...necessary thug. I change all the time, but it's still me changing. I am the sum total of all my broken pieces, all the lives I've lived, all the everything. I am responsible for all of it. My life. My choices. Even the ones I wasn't aware I was making. Even those that were purely reaction to circumstance. I may spend every day wanting to die, but I also fight tooth and nail to live. No bodysnatchers allowed. I live. I die. All of me. Full stop. No completely new person with my memories walking around with my voice, my body, my life... And their thoughts. Who I was before didn't want to die, either. Too bad, that happened. But I sure as hell know better than to make the same mistake. This is my life, my kid, my broken heart and mind. Ain't nobody taking them from me. Not as long as I draw breath. Mine.

Can it be done? Yes. Will you like the person who replaces you? Doesn't matter. You'll be dead.
 
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You’ve TRIED killing off the exile. You’ve tried to exiling the exile in such a manner. How’s it working for you?
So my question --- have any of you done this phase in IFS? How did you get rid of your exile? She is responsible for f*cking up a large part of my life so I have zero desire to "rescue" her, at least not at this point. Has anyone successfully killed theirs? Or dealt with them any other way?
I’ve done IFS. Still doing it...

Here is the funny/maddening thing about trying to kill it off: they actually show up more and come out sideways and create more havoc. So much more havoc.

Your therapist is spot on. It’s not about saying the good things were bad. It’s about working with that part in a whole new way, so that it doesn’t make havoc for you again.
The sooner I can kill her, the sooner I can move on. I know my life will be way better once she dies. It's like cutting out a cancer - kill her and the damage goes with her.
It doesn’t work that way. In fact, the more you try to self-murder her the more she wins.

It’s more like a broken leg. One would not just cut off the leg because look, the broken leg is slowing you down and screwing you up. No, it’s abiut mending that broken leg. For a time, the leg has to be stabilized, in a cast to heal, and then eventually the cast comes off, the crutches are put away, and you use the leg again, but physical therapy is needed to help learn how to walk better with the leg. To walk, run, even dance, on that previously broken leg. (Ok, so it’s. It the best analogy, but I hope it makes a little sense.)

These parts often initially form as kids or teens surviving trauma, or approach adult life in an un-adult and irresponsible manner. I’m not sure if that applies in your case, but maybe it would help to think of this part as a kid or an unruly teenager who needs guidance. Not quite rescuing. It doesn’t mean you have to be overly positive and glowing about this part or the painful things it did... but maybe try neutral and try guiding it to try new things and new behaviors to get it’s needs met without f*cking up life again.

I have one part that I had to initially approach dealing with of like it was anteenager who didn’t know better but was acting out all over, and I was there to mentor this part to stop. And call a truce.

Don’t self-perpetrate and try to kill her. This part didn’t just pop out of nowhere. Someone probably taught her, through words or actions, to be exiled in order to survive. Direct the anger there. Grieve what’s been lost. It’s going to be hard, but worth it.

One part I’ve worked with, that I wanted to kill off as well, it’s taken me some time to just be neutral about it. It’s also been some of the best work. It’s been really strangely settling for all of me.
 
The exile is acting out because you hate her.

Take the time to get to know her. Understand what she’s about. Respect her. (After all she acts in your best interest, although misguided.). Give her a new job.

Killing parts doesn’t really happen. Parts must be reassigned to new jobs.
 
She needs to die. I have wanted to kill her since the day I figured out who/what she was.

She doesn't need to die.

You wanting to kill her is an entirely different problem. That's on you. That you can't handle her, that's on you. Not on her.

Murder doesn't tend to solve problems. It adds a layer of entirely new ones.
And in case it's personal, like a huge part of your life? It doesn't even give you a sense of relief. It's just a gone space in your life.

She wouldn't be just gone. You would be gone with her.
 
If there were no pain or sorrow, how can there be good and happiness? Balance.
ugh.. that's a good point. I don't like it..but its good. the opposite of her is death..which I guess means she is why I lived.

Even the ones I wasn't aware I was making. Even those that were purely reaction to circumstance.
I think that is what is triggering me so badly right now --- the idea that I wasn't aware I had created an exile in reaction to what was happening

Don’t self-perpetrate and try to kill her. This part didn’t just pop out of nowhere. Someone probably taught her, through words or actions, to be exiled in order to survive. Direct the anger there. Grieve what’s been lost. It’s going to be hard, but worth it.

Anger and grief....... I know my T wants me to head that way but it I'm afraid of being overwhelmed and collapsing into nothingness. I want to believe it will be worth it -- that I will learn to look at her as a survivor and not as pathetic and whiny and useless and so on....
It's just so hard to even image a world where I can let that out.

Parts must be reassigned to new jobs.
Ok - that is interesting. I wonder what job she would have? I must take that to the T....

She wouldn't be just gone. You would be gone with her.
heavy sigh --- that's my challenge. How do I let her live and acknowledge her without destroying me?

Thank you all! You have given me some big things to think about.....
 
How do I let her live and acknowledge her without destroying me?
Feels threatening and doesn't have to be / feels threatening and is temporary.

You co-existed already, all of these years. :sneaky: Being aware now, won't destroy you; not being aware didn't (and in my book, if it's a danger and close, and you don't know about it? It's worse than if you do. So by the same logic, you've gotten through -more- dangerous times... without being endangered.)

the idea that I wasn't aware I had created an exile in reaction to what was happening
That's kind of the point of any fragmentation though.

You're not supposed to know; you're supposed to keep going.
It's not a matter of choice from the start, and that is not on ANY of you... and isn't bad, either, as filtering the awareness/consciousness off kept you whole alive.
 
f**ing exile has successfully derailed my EMDR therapy. T says that until I come to peace with her she will keep blocking it. EMDR T wants me to work with other T to try to integrate her and her memories/feelings. They both keep asking me what I think will happen if I let her live. Honestly - I don't know. I'm afraid of the lengths I will go to to avoid her terror. I barely survived the first time around - and I know that the only reason I did was that I left her behind. He BROKE me. She carries all of that. I had to leave her -- because I had to survive and try to hold on to what little sanity I had left. And later --People kept trying to kill me. I couldn't let her out because there was too much else going on. I couldn't be afraid if I was going to continue living.

If I couldn't handle it the first time around, and I broke, what will happen if I let those feelings process? Suicide? Breaking again into even more parts? Integrating?

Now I don't need to be afraid. I am safe (if I say it enough I will believe it right?). My life is different. But I still don't know that I am strong enough to take her and all her baggage back into my world. T wants me to think in terms of spreading out her feelings among all of my parts to see if they can help take some of it. But that still means I have to open that door. And I don't know that I can
 
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