I've a five day slump after several really weeks. I thought it was getting better, I thought it was all in my imagination and I was faking it.
On Sunday I tried to put on a coloured cardigan to go out, but couldn't manage it. I did stay in the coloured T shirt, but a soon as my husband commented on it I had to go back and change to grey which of course I couldn't find because I'm too idle to do the washing or ironing. In the end I said lets not go, but realised that once again I'd misjudged and he actually did want to go. We agreed to walk the dog instead, but I didn't see where we were as I was in tunnel vision. I told him that if we sold the house he could take out more than he originally put in and get somewhere nice, but he said he didn't want that. It's absurd, he clearly can't want to be saddled with me and no life.
On Monday I said we should still go the Tai Chi class I can't keep giving in. As soon as we started the warm up I realise I couldn't cope with the exposure of not holding my arms in front of me, shook my head said no and walked quietly out. I waited a bit, but there were people about, so I walked home, going by the route we normally drive instead of cross country so he would see me. He got home at the same time as me, having done the whole class and just said we shouldn't have tried. But i feel like running away every week, I'm just usually able to pull myself together, but this time I had to show off instead.
I cancelled seeing the counsellor yesterday, because I couldn't face dressing or leaving the house. But that is clearly a lie, I walked home three miles on Monday. I'm a coward and a liar. Worse than that, I've deceived her. I said on the phone message that I'd see her next week and pay this week then, but she called back and said she wasn't going to charge as it was a case of it being impossible, not just random cancelling. I've made her think I'm a decent person, when Im actually a nasty little liar.
Just now I accidentally knocked a vase over, and threw an enormous tantrum, screaming and shouting at myself and throwing things. I'd never do that in front of anyone else, I do know what is socially acceptable, but that is what I'm really like - just like my father was. Not only am I too stupid to avoid spreading water all over the floor, I'm too selfish to accept it and just get on with the job.
This is why they won't give me treatment. They recognise how foul I actually am. I don't deserve it and I'll be stuck like this for ever, and never be any use to my family again.
On Sunday I tried to put on a coloured cardigan to go out, but couldn't manage it. I did stay in the coloured T shirt, but a soon as my husband commented on it I had to go back and change to grey which of course I couldn't find because I'm too idle to do the washing or ironing. In the end I said lets not go, but realised that once again I'd misjudged and he actually did want to go. We agreed to walk the dog instead, but I didn't see where we were as I was in tunnel vision. I told him that if we sold the house he could take out more than he originally put in and get somewhere nice, but he said he didn't want that. It's absurd, he clearly can't want to be saddled with me and no life.
On Monday I said we should still go the Tai Chi class I can't keep giving in. As soon as we started the warm up I realise I couldn't cope with the exposure of not holding my arms in front of me, shook my head said no and walked quietly out. I waited a bit, but there were people about, so I walked home, going by the route we normally drive instead of cross country so he would see me. He got home at the same time as me, having done the whole class and just said we shouldn't have tried. But i feel like running away every week, I'm just usually able to pull myself together, but this time I had to show off instead.
I cancelled seeing the counsellor yesterday, because I couldn't face dressing or leaving the house. But that is clearly a lie, I walked home three miles on Monday. I'm a coward and a liar. Worse than that, I've deceived her. I said on the phone message that I'd see her next week and pay this week then, but she called back and said she wasn't going to charge as it was a case of it being impossible, not just random cancelling. I've made her think I'm a decent person, when Im actually a nasty little liar.
Just now I accidentally knocked a vase over, and threw an enormous tantrum, screaming and shouting at myself and throwing things. I'd never do that in front of anyone else, I do know what is socially acceptable, but that is what I'm really like - just like my father was. Not only am I too stupid to avoid spreading water all over the floor, I'm too selfish to accept it and just get on with the job.
This is why they won't give me treatment. They recognise how foul I actually am. I don't deserve it and I'll be stuck like this for ever, and never be any use to my family again.