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I'm A Loathsome Person, Lacking In All Self Control

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
I've a five day slump after several really weeks. I thought it was getting better, I thought it was all in my imagination and I was faking it.
On Sunday I tried to put on a coloured cardigan to go out, but couldn't manage it. I did stay in the coloured T shirt, but a soon as my husband commented on it I had to go back and change to grey which of course I couldn't find because I'm too idle to do the washing or ironing. In the end I said lets not go, but realised that once again I'd misjudged and he actually did want to go. We agreed to walk the dog instead, but I didn't see where we were as I was in tunnel vision. I told him that if we sold the house he could take out more than he originally put in and get somewhere nice, but he said he didn't want that. It's absurd, he clearly can't want to be saddled with me and no life.

On Monday I said we should still go the Tai Chi class I can't keep giving in. As soon as we started the warm up I realise I couldn't cope with the exposure of not holding my arms in front of me, shook my head said no and walked quietly out. I waited a bit, but there were people about, so I walked home, going by the route we normally drive instead of cross country so he would see me. He got home at the same time as me, having done the whole class and just said we shouldn't have tried. But i feel like running away every week, I'm just usually able to pull myself together, but this time I had to show off instead.

I cancelled seeing the counsellor yesterday, because I couldn't face dressing or leaving the house. But that is clearly a lie, I walked home three miles on Monday. I'm a coward and a liar. Worse than that, I've deceived her. I said on the phone message that I'd see her next week and pay this week then, but she called back and said she wasn't going to charge as it was a case of it being impossible, not just random cancelling. I've made her think I'm a decent person, when Im actually a nasty little liar.

Just now I accidentally knocked a vase over, and threw an enormous tantrum, screaming and shouting at myself and throwing things. I'd never do that in front of anyone else, I do know what is socially acceptable, but that is what I'm really like - just like my father was. Not only am I too stupid to avoid spreading water all over the floor, I'm too selfish to accept it and just get on with the job.

This is why they won't give me treatment. They recognise how foul I actually am. I don't deserve it and I'll be stuck like this for ever, and never be any use to my family again.
 
I miss a lot of stuff on the forum because of my schedule. Some days I'm not on here and miss whole topics. So, I'm kind of lost and maybe that's why. But YOU? "Loathsome"?????? I hardly think so!

You sound depressed and you sound like you're going through a rough time, but it also sounds like you're seeing yourself much differently than other people are. Your husband doesn't seem to think you're any sort of bad person. Neither does the counselor. Neither of them responded to you like one would respond to a "loathsome" person. You've never stuck me as being any kind of bad person around here. And I kind of doubt you're that good a lying to people that you've tricked them. (Because people who are that good a lying rarely turn around and condemn themselves for ANYTHING, much less for being liars.)

Keep the next appointment and keep working. You DO deserve it. :hug:
 
Sandstone I haven't been here that long but I agree with scout this is the depression talking. You are not loathsome. You need to take care of your self, let others care for you. Keep that appointment next week and keep doing the work you are worth it.
 
It's kind of you all to try to put a positive slant on it, but I can't agree with what you say. At times like this it bursts out of me with more passion and virulence, but I can't see myself as anything decent any more. I am at best useless, and inevitably a selfish burden.

So far as doing the work - if only I was. I'm seeing a fairly basic counsellor, in what I hoped would be a containment measure until I got some sort of therapy sorted.She is a lovely person, but I don't think she has much understanding, and is definitely providing what I thought I wanted, which was simply a place to unload my brain every week. I'm being very careful to avoid talking about trauma in any more than the most superficial way.

I hate it when my husband gets dragged into my illness. He does so much, without any sign of minding, and claims not to mind that I am wholly dependant on him. I do my utmost to keep it all out of his way, but it bursts out. I don't think this is depression. It feels much too volatile and explosive for that. It is a tearing, vicious attack on myself.
 
If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. - Buddha

Be gentle with yourself. When you start beating yourself up, try to challenge it or use something to distract yourself, like this saying.
It helps me to focus on self forgiveness.
 
:hug:

Is finding a trauma therapist an option for you?

Unloading in therapy can be beneficial to a point, but healing trauma really does require a more interactive type of therapy where we process what happened and learn skills to cope.

:hug:
 
Oh, I wish...

On the advice of the advocate, I wrote to my alleged " Care Co-Ordinator" to ask
  1. for a timescale when therapy is going to commence
  2. what therapy the new team are planning to provide
  3. if the Structured Clinical Interview for Dissociative Disorders will be used
  4. if the Therapist has appropriate experience with PTSD and Dissociative Disorder
  5. If it is later decided that the trust cannot provide appropriate therapy identified by Clinical Phycologist, can an application be put forward for external specialist treatment
  6. can I have some short term support, whilst a decision I being made. as I am struggling on a daily basis.and In the short term, I need support with medical tests and their meaning, and with tackling the lifestyle changes that could help reduce the rate of kidney decline.
He responded by sending the letter to Complaints, and hasn't been in contact since As I said in the first post, they see me as not deserving any help, and are so firm on that it must be true. I feel I've been labelled asa complainer, and the complaint is his about me
 
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