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Sexual Assault Im Easy

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MrsBeasley86

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I have done things in my past that I deeply regret. Things that I've never told anyone. One night stands, sleeping with a friend's ex boyfriend, make out sessions with complete strangers. Things that make me feel horrible. I hate that I did these things. Because it's not me. In my right state of mind, I would never sleep with someone that I just met. This was in my early 20s. When I drank way too much. When I was struggling with my self esteem, my self worth, and my traumas. Maybe I needed that attention to feel like I meant something? But it didn't help. I've heard that being sexually abused as a child can cause this stuff. In my mind, I feel that if a guy wants something from me, he's going to get it. That's what happened in my past. Saying no didn't stop him. Fighting him off didn't help. So I guess I felt just giving them what they wanted was easier. Less traumatic than fighting it. I know this is a messed up way of thinking it. Because I know it's not right. It doesn't justify the things I've done.
 
I have been here, still am, actually, so I get it. And yes, it is a common symptom of sexual abuse -- it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you're easy. It just means that maybe you don't value yourself as much as you should yet (due to self esteem issues or whatever). I have found that I go through phases and act "easy" after I've been hurt somehow. It's a way of connecting with people without actually letting them in, a way of experiencing human contact (which, for many with PTSD, is difficult to find because we have such a hard time opening up) without actually taking the risk of having your heart broken. The main thing is that you are thinking about this side of yourself and exploring it. Just don't beat yourself up over it. Also, keep in mind the double standard here -- if men did the things you did, they'd be praised and high-fived. Just because you're female doesn't mean you're "easy" for doing the same thing many men do.
 
Oh, Mrs. Beasley. You're thread title hit me hard. You are/were NOT easy, hun. I too did the same things in my early twenties and did the same exact thing when my ex raped me. I didn't stop him. Same mentality about it.

I don't think that you did it for attention. I think it was maybe a way to fill a void. To feel "love". Sometimes that is why I did it. Sex was love to me. At least that is how I put it in my head. Even if it was a one night stand, there was always emotional attachment. I'd regret it. Feel shame and wonder why he wouldn't call me. I totally get it. Don't ever feel guilty, ashamed or regret for those things. There was a need in it for you. Survival? Maybe. Love? Perhaps. Dealing with trauma isn't easy. Just don't think for one minute your easy because someone took something away from you and you didn't stop them. You're a fighter! And still fighting today. :hug:
 
Aw thank you Tx! That makes me feel better :) maybe I was trying to fill a void. Wanting to feel loved. Feel like I meant something. Even for a moment. Atleast I was needed. Even if it was for someone's quick sexual satisfaction. I guess it made some part of me feel important. Until the next day :( im sorry that you have experienced this also! We are fighters :)
 
when my ex raped me. I didn't stop him.
I am going to critique, perhaps nit-pick at the semantics of this quote. You say your ex raped you. This means that at some point and time you set your boundaries, weather you said "no", or "not now" or "I have a headache" or "I'm not in the mood" or perhaps you just tried to push him away, He failed to respect them.

The main part of your quote that I want to critique is the second half; "I didn't stop him." This tells me that you believe that you are responsible for the decisions of your ex. you are never responsible for the decisions others make. Your ex failed to respect your boundaries, the is his fault, his responsibility, not yours. in the future I would hope you can rephrase this from "I didn't stop him" to "I couldn't stop him" or "I was unable to stop him". these minor changes now puts the burden of responsibility back upon you ex where it belongs and not upon you where it does not belong.
 
I have done things in my past that I deeply regret. Things that I've never told anyone. One night s...

Please don't feel bad!! Your early 20s is a normal time for girls to go through an experimental stage!! Do you feel bad because you feel you did this due to the abuse? I don't have words of advice on the thought process.. But I do know I had a small stage like that. And it was basically what I call "a tour of the Middle East" I still feel dirty about it sometimes, but I laugh too. The men were smooth talkers and thought terribly of women. I slept with one man who wanted me to be his American whore and basically had his house set up for porn. But who else had that experience?? I had an adventure. And I think the solution was me getting sick of it and saying I would only have sex with a significant other. But also most of us have done the walk of shame in our late 20s, early thirties, and so on. We're sexual beings!! It's ok to want it.
 
I personally hold onto the disgust I feel towards myself for certain things I've done..though I don't dwell on them, as that disgust stops me from ever getting myself into those situations again, and kicked me into working on myself....what's done is done.
 
Going against our own morality is an incredibly difficult thing.

You & I share completely different morals surrounding sex. Which I only share so that you may know that... Some people very honestly believe that there is only one commonly held morality, and regardless of what their own is (or may be), they take on the views of those immediately around them as gospel. If their own experience goes against what they believe is "normal" they hate themselves for it. I came of age in an incredibly open sexual culture, and am very grateful for both my own sexcapades, and for 70% of my time f*cking around being in an environment where that's actively encouraged & not looked down on at all.

((The parallel is having learned to drive in a country where it is legal for women to drive, done most of my driving in places where it is legal & looked upon as perfect natural for women to drive... Then spent time in countries where women driving is either illegal, or very much looked down upon. I have no internalized guilt about driving. In large part because it aligns with my own morals, but it has helped to be sure, not to be going against local custom! When I am in places it goes against local custom? Pfft. I'm not bothered. Discrete, perhaps (not always), but not bothered! Because that's their morality, not mine.))

If this is not "just" your going against local-sex-culture, but your own morals? That I've done. Not with sex, but with other things. That's a hard thing. What has helped me, personally, in dealing with that... Is two-fold: First off, looking at my past as "learning", and secondly? No longer doing in the present what I am morally opposed to. Sounds simple. Isn't.
 
I am going to critique, perhaps nit-pick at the semantics of this quote. You say your ex raped you...

This one is wise.^^^^^^^^^:tup::tup::tup::tup::tup:

@Jigsaw Puzzle has given you an excellent admonition.

"He chose to violate my obvious will and he overpowered my mind and body in an act of illegal, unconscionable violence"......is how I would say it but Jigsaw Puzzle's version is spot on.

"I'm easy."
now becomes
"I'm healing"
You deserve only good things:)
 
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