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I'm flunking! bah humbug on cbt worksheets!

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I have spent hours on filling out an ABC worksheet concerning a returning memory and acting out a flashback episode, today. That was hard enough but then I am supposed to fill out a CBT Challenging Beliefs worksheet on it. As hard as I try, I cannot fill them out. I understand the broad concept but when it comes to details, my mind shuts down and I find myself staring at the paper. I get so upset at myself for "not getting it". Today's efforts put me into a panic and I had to stop and do my breathing. Then I walked away from the assignment, feeling like I was a failure and not wanting to go to therapy. But, I returned to the homework tonight and got half of the sheet done only to believe that the rest of the worksheet does not apply to the memory and flashback. Again, the incomplete assignment makes me upset at myself. I just don't get the detailing. I go blank. Tonight's experience made me think that I should simply bail on therapy and let the dust settle where it may. This makes me feel like I am back in school, having to take and pass exams. In true "stuck point" character, I struggle with feeling like I am flunking out. Ugh. I need a tudor for my homework! I am stressing out in order to get rid of the PTSD stress!!! Double ugh! This seems to be never-ending.
 
I don’t know if it was intentional, but you just worked through a pretty good example of ABC in your post.

The activating event was struggling to complete your cbt homework, which triggered panic (emotions) and thinking “I can’t do this” (thoughts) and maybe bailing on therapy (behaviour), and the underlying belief that you identified at work in all this was the fear of failure (which you were even able to connect with similar experiences). That’d be like a gold star effort if you ask me.

Doing the same exercise on something complex like flashbacks is going to be much harder, and not something that I think anyone would be able to nut out in the space of a week. The thoughts, emotions and core beliefs going on get incredibly confused and complicated really quick.

But are you capable of practicing the ABC model? Absolutely, you nailed it in the space of a short post:)
 
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I don’t know if it was intentional, but you just worked through a pretty good example of ABC i...
First let me say that I really appreciated your response, Ragdoll. Though I do not see the ABC's in my response, I liked your concise observations and encouragement. Deep down you struck a chord in my process of figuring this homework out. Somehow I know you are right. What you shared has helped to calm me down and the homework does not look so intimidating. Thank you, sincerely. I will discuss this with the psych doc, tonight. I think I can talk to him without dissociating or crying, now.
 
Ugh I couldn’t do therapy homework! I got too much into perfectionism with the workbook my last t had me start. Didn’t even get through the first chapter!!! I just had to get everything just perfect and I didn’t know how to do that so I crumbled under the pressure.

What really helps me is one of the Four Agreements. Always do your best. It was written that your best is always gonna change. When you’re sick your best will be different from when you are healthy. So right now, where you’re at, what is your best? Just do that. Your best will always change. Even if all you can do is right down a few words it’s better than leaving it blank, you know?
 
I tremendously dislike the worksheets. They make me go crazy in my head and then I shut down. I feel like I am locked into a pass or fail situation. It is an all or nothing mindset. Either I complete one or I don't do it at all. I understand the overall concept and can give a broad overview of what my thought process and emotional reactions are, but to detail it all out, it is like I have stepped from one world into the dark domains of another and the latter plays by a different sent of rules...often times, defying logic. It is not the controlled world that I live in. All I can say is that I keep plugging away at it because I really don't want to quit therapy and give up. ~groan~ I always used to tell my younger sister that she had to suffer to be beautiful, as I tried to clean up her acne on her back, when she was a teen. (yeah, I know...yuck!) I think this is payback for her days of beautifying torture! Though there will be no beautifying results, in my case, there certainly is enough suffering to commiserate over.~
 
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