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I'm New And Think You're Heroes - Lifetime of Abuse

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by MagicBus, Nov 6, 2006.

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  1. MagicBus

    MagicBus New Member

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    :claps: Hi everyone, magicbus here. My son just found this site for me last night, thank god. I still can't defend myself well yet, but i'd kick ass for all of you in a second. My life, as all of yours, has been a living hell since birth. My sisters and I grew up in daily fear of which horror was going to happen to us each day from my father. It would be his choice of a beating or two, a forced sexual act with us, killing one of our pets while we watch and he laughs with glee, burning us with cigars, pulling us up the stairs just to throw us down, strangling us just to the point of blacking out, calling us every filthy name ever heard while telling us how much he didn't want us, forcing us to lie about our bruises or we'd get it worse, making us eat things I won't get into, locking us up in rooms, making us bathe while he'd watch every time, sneaking outside our windows at night with a disguise and flashlight then tell us there are escaped convicts out there to rape us when we went outside, made my mother make stews out of our pet rabbits and make us eat them, and on and on. Things no one would believe.

    The only places we we allowed to go were to his brothers homes who were as sick as him to their kidsso we never saw normal family life. Back in those days the police did nothing because a man ruled his own household his way unless they saw it happenning. Due to this childhood, I grew into adulthood, making the same familiar choices i knew to be. These mistakes in return would cause my children to go through my pain also and were deprived of the happiness they should have had. Atleast they both say they knew how much i loved them and that i tried to keep them #1 in my life to the point of dying for them if i had to.

    I was a successful home owner, salon owner, had a nice car i worked so hard for, a good name, then i fell for the wrong man again who was on drugs without me knowing it and began to steal everything i owned. He took it all and the banks took the rest. I was alone, him in jail and me back to $0 after all those years of workand trying to put my kids through school. I had spent my whole life covering my pain through humor until this last rip off. In 1998. I no longer could keep it together and lost not only my physical belongings, but i lost my mind. I had a severe nervous breakdown, was totally suicidal, had shock treatments, couldn't eat, walk or talk, for years. I am now 53, live alone, have a small supportive family i love. I have gotten somewhat better with meds and weekly councelling. I can't say i'm happy but i can still laugh occasionally. I want to know if any of you have found the secret of true happiness. In my eyes, you are the true heroes in this world.
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Welcome to the board! Sorry to hear of the many trials but you are finally getting on track to treat this, and that is what matters. Don't think any of us would see ourselves as heros, but Anthony is as he created this place for us all and so many would still be left alone without him doing this.
     
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Magicbus, welcome along. I am no hero, but I just give a shit about those who are suffering PTSD, and don't need to be doing so anymore if they want the other side of life. I have PTSD, I have seen the worst of it, I have healed and learnt how to manage it, and I only want to share that with others, so more people who want to live healthy and live life once again, can do so.

    Nothing surprises me anymore, nothing at all in regard to humanity.
     
  5. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

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    Hello Magicbus, you truly are one strong and brave person. I hope and know you will find help and companionship here.
     
  6. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Hello Magicbus. I am another with PTSD. I've dealt with it, and I'm slowly coming back out of my cocoon. I'm not the same person as I was before, but I have found happiness. It's there waiting for you. It just takes a lot of fighting and healing to get there. Hope you stick around and tell us more about yourself.
     
  7. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Hi MagicBus, welcome to the forum.

    I'm sorry to hear what you went through as a child, but if it's any comfort to you, there are many of us who went through similar childhood abuses - and many years of it. It sucks the big bad one, but this place is wonderful to help us work through it.

    Stick around and read all you can (if you haven't already). There's a "plethora" (my new word of the day) of information here, not only from the articles, but from the people who post on the boards as well. Before you know it, your therapy here will include helping others!
     
  8. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    hey, magicbus, welcome. sorry you went through all that trauma. many of us here have been through similar things. about being happy, i'm still looking. fairly new here, this site has helped immensely, though. and i know if i work at it, i will get there.
     
  9. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Welcome Magicbus! When I read stories of lifetime abuse I'm just in awe of how people manage to carry on for years, without going totally insane. I'm sorry for everything that's happened to you, but it sounds like you're on the right track and I'm glad you found the forum. I hope you enjoy your time here.
     
  10. JoannaG

    JoannaG Active Member

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    Oh batgirl I feel for you. Am crying for you as is all bulls*** you didn't deserve. All I can say right now. You are such a strong and beautiful person.
     
  11. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    What a journey we are all on.....
     
  12. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hey magicbus,

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find some solace here because it sounds like it has been one s%^t journey so far. Take care.
     
  13. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Welcome Magic Bus!

    Hi Magic Bus and Welcome! I too Thank God for having found this forum. Hey your son found this site for you. Wow what an awesome gift.

    I'm the youngest of 3 girls and we too did exactly this...grew up in daily terror of which horror was going to happen to anyone or all of us on any given day.

    Neither did I Magic Bus, neither did I ever see a normal family life. And boy, wow, I remember those days when police did little to nothing. Mom had called them to tell them that my father was roaming around our house bragging and speaking derangedly while wielding his butcher knives and stating many horrible things. Oh and the cops they came once and took his knives away only to return them to him the following day and apologize. With the size of him, and his other interests he didn't need his knives anyways to beat, threaten and terrorize our lives. And, that's exactly it, "unless they saw it happening." And, so though we were terrorized somewhat differently at times. Teror is terror ...and even that word doesn't really communicate the full truth. It's more like petrified stiff.

    ...And, though your trauma may have manifested itself, somewhat differently, it still very similar in that it's aim is complete destruction of self, mind & body, and ultimately life. I can identify with catatonic states of mind, uncontrollable trembling, shaking and jerking of arms, seizure activity, inabilities and lack of desire to eat, walk or talk, ...or even if I managed to start, stricken with the inability to continue. ie. ..vomiting, falling over, and withdrawing within myself, into some of the most isolated, lonely, black f'n places in my mind. And certainly, suicidal ideation, homicidal thought and temptations and temp. institutionalization.

    Very little of this is true of me today. Well, the 'isolated, alienated, lonely, black f'n places of mind are still quite possible.'

    It's been suggested to me that I might feel worse in my healing from the trauma than I did during the actual trauma. And, perhaps this is true. However, Nothing, and I mean nothing could feel worse to me than the helpless & hopeless living with uncontrolled PTSD and my trauma begging and attempting to claw its way out of me at all cost, ...and, I'd just keep responding, no, No, NO, NO! Absolutely Not! No f'n way! Your staying put and that's that, or else. My fear always: I'll end up misdiagnosed and perm. instit. Magic Bus, if you haven't already noticed I'm intent. sharing my HTG exp. to let you know you're not alone. OTOH, it's uncomfortable, but I want to do this anyhow bc I know WTF you're talking about.

    Your story was very difficult for me to read, I couldn't even complete it in one sitting and cried throughout. And, yet I welcome it, bc I just love truth being exposed and set free. When of course it's safe. And, it's all safe right here in this forum. I trust this, and I've seldom trusted a whole heck of a lot. Yeah, I'm pretty serious, intense, honest, and think deeply. Everybody I know says this describes me...oh' well that's me.

    There's very little simple about me and I do apologize if my welcome is rather lengthy. LOL

    Magic Bus the only secrets I've found are continuing willingness and perserverance, as well as honesty, (in and under) most conditions.
     
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